that sentence seems a bit foreign to write. Even for myself, the idea of giving birth to a baby seems like distant past. was i really pregnant? Yes - I had life in me for 31 weeks and 5 days. she grew and she kicked and I loved her every moment. I love her now and forever.
the acute grief fortunately doesn't follow me every day anymore, however on days leading up to her "season" it comes roaring back. I can't help but wonder who she'd have been. I look at my 2 nieces Mya and Ally and they are so different, they are each their own person - Mya is quiet yet very perceptive and seems older than her age. last time I saw her, she wore a shirt that said "girls rule the world" -- and I have no doubt she will! Ally is a bundle of energy, very passionate, creative and also a bit of a hippy/girly girl. She will love fiercely.
what would Angel have been? it's the forever wondering that breaks my heart. when your baby is stillborn, you lose an entire future, and you live with that loss every day - but it comes out in force for special milestones, like birthdays, back to school, and everyday little things too. What would her style be? would she love reading? would she love dogs and chase Mimi around? what would she want to be when she grows up?
it's a piece of me that is always missing. an empty chair at the table. An empty bed at the cottage we rented last week.
I can't really say how to overcome the heartache. I haven't. I think you just have to move through it, accept it, and know it's part of your life. Jeff said today that he can't really remember what it was like before her. I get what he means, I don't remember what it was like without the permanent hole in my heart.
this isn't how I anticipated life to go - heck I also didn't expect to get cancer either. I don't want to pontificate about the lessons I've learned from my challenges in life. On days like this it seems not very genuine. the truth is I miss my daughter.
I think for me one of the coping strategies is to approach life with a grateful heart and to try to find meaning for myself. the annual backpack donation helps with that. I also try to find beauty and love in small things. I try to be in the present, and live in each day. I still have dreams and goals and I work towards these things. I love the people in my life and am there for them. I am still evolving as a person. I would hope Angel would be proud of all these things.
I get signs from her a lot. I see 11:11 on the clock all the time, and saw it this morning. I see butterflies and know she is with me. A song comes on the radio and it makes me think of her. She will always be a part of me - that won't ever change.
happy 8th birthday to my baby girl. sending you kisses in heaven.
