The call

Last night Jeff and I got "the call."  His coworker's friend lost her baby boy, Noah, on Monday of this week, at full term.  We were reached out to for advice and resources. 
I knew this would happen at some point, and I had thought maybe it would be from the hospital/memory box recipient, but all the same, I am glad that I can help someone else who is going through this heartbreaking experience.  Glad that I can be there but devastated for her and for the loss of her precious son. 

It took us back to the early days for sure.  Jeff told me as soon as I walked in the door.  At first I said "No" and was shocked really...then I went upstairs and saw Angel's picture and I just cried.   

 

I have to say, I did have to struggle a bit to try to put myself back in that place, 5 days after it happened.  What was I really thinking and feeling and what did I need most?  Although I have flashbacks to that time often, I know that I have overcome so much in this past year.  I feel strong enough to reach back and grab someone else's hand.   

I didn't want to overwhelm her with resources, but I sent her a few key things - online resources and face to face groups she could join.  I also sent her a letter from Little Bird, for moms and dads that have lost a baby, and I told her about my experience with individual counselling and how it could help her cope.  I also gave my contact info. I hope that she contacts me. 

Today is the funeral for Noah....fly high.....

Redondo Beach

Last night, Jeff discovered another Morrissey song that references a little girl...and angel....we listened to it and cried. 

It reminds me of  the first moments of grief, and the early days of heartache on the beach in Jamaica, looking for answers in the ocean....wondering about her setting sail to her afterlife.  And we are here, left behind.  She is gone.

Down by the ocean
It was so dismal
Women all standing
With shock on their faces
Sad description
Oh, I was looking for you

Everyone was singing
Girl is washed up
On Redondo Beach
And everyone is so sad
I was looking for you
Are you gone, gone?

Hey little girl
Everyone cried
How she was the victim of suicide
I was looking for you
Are you gone, gone?
Down by the ocean
It was so dismal
Women all standing
With shock on their faces
Sad description
Oh, I was looking for you

Desk clerk told me
A girl is washed up
Was small, an angel
With apple blond hair now
I was looking for you
Are you gone, gone?

Picked up my key
And I didn't reply
I just went into my room
And I started to cry
It was morning, angel
Are you gone, gone?

Down by the ocean
It was so dismal
I was just standing
With shock on my face though
The hearse pulled away
And the girl that had died it was you
You'll never return
Into my arms
You'll never return
Into my arms
You'll never return
Into my arms
'Cause you're gone, gone
Gone, gone
Gone, gone

It still hurts.  It always will.  We grieve for Angel every. single. day.

A link to share - Living Child Free

I debated about sharing this link here but I think it is important to talk about all aspects of babyloss and the life thereafter, and ensure this is an open discourse for women and men that come by my site.

Mrs. Spit posted about this link today, on “Living Child Free.”

http://mrsspit.ca/?page_id=3702

She talks about making the choice, about what this choice meant to her, finding a new path, and also responding to others when they question the choice.  She touches on loneliness, and support networks, and finding meaning as you move forward.   

I really loved her reference to the "mini-van mafia" - this had me laugh out loud.  But the most poignant thing I thought was when she says:

It’s never the job of another human to make you complete. Making yourself complete is your job.

I have to say, I really appreciate the honest and transparent perspective of someone who is walking this road.  I don’t know if this will be my choice, but if it is, and if it is the choice of some of you reading, I hope this article helps you find ways to cope, and allows you to find peace in your heart. 

26.8.11

One year ago today, we held our service of remembrance for Angel.  I remember alot about that day so clearly. 

We held it at James Gardens, the same park we had our wedding photos done at in 2003.  On the way over, I remember feeling like I was going to be sick to my stomach.  I think that was partly the shock of what we were about to do - and the turn of events I was still trying to come to terms with.  At the same time, I knew this was so important for us to give her a sendoff that we wanted, in her honour.

It was a perfect, sunny day and the park was so calm and beautiful.
I will never forget how many of our friends and family came out that day, to show their love and support.






Jeff and I wrote the service, and we tried to focus on our love for Angel and also what lessons we had learned from this experience.  I feel it was a message of love - for her and for everyone there - not to let a day go by without showing compassion for others on this Earth.
Jeff got up and spoke twice - once was a preplanned speech that he prepared, talking about what Angel has taught us.  The second time - the masters of ceremony left out a key story we wanted told near the end, so he stepped in and told it, without any notes.  I am so proud of his courage and strength that he showed that day. I know I didn't have the frame of mind to speak at that time.





At the end of the service, we did a butterfly release. 




One of the butterflies landed on the blanket I had brought, that I was sitting on earlier.







Driving home afterwards, with Angel's urn in my lap, I couldn't help but think that I should be holding her, not her urn. 

I shall remember you for as long
as there are fields of snow
and there are flowers in the ground
with strength to grow.

As long as there are stars above
and moonbeams on the sea,
and just as long as there are songs
of love and memory.

I shall remember you today
and dream of you tonight,
and look for you tomorrow when
the sun begins to light.

Whatever season, month or year,
this much will be the same,
the only sound of joy will be,
the mention of your name.

I shall remember you for as long
As there are earth and sky.
And all eternity
may take to say good bye.

~ James Metcalfe

Wishing tree

My friend Monica and her husband Nigel were in California recently and they visited a place called Little Tokyo, where you can find many "wishing trees" -- in these trees people attach notes to their loves ones that have passed, and you can also attach a wish. Monica generously offered to attach notes for my baby girl and for a few other babyloss moms too.
I am so glad I was able to do this, especially so close to Angel's birthday. At the same time it makes my heart hurt because I miss her so much. I can't say enough how I wish things were different, and that she was in my arms for her first birthday.

This week Jeff discovered a Morrissey song that talks about a girl named Angel...one of the lyrics is "I love you more than life." This pretty much sums up our feelings for our baby girl -- it is a heartache we carry every day.

Here is what I asked Monica to post for Angel.

August 19th - day of hope

"August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and grand daughters." Carly Marie Dudley



Remembering my daughter, Angel Eternity Stewart, today and everyday.

I think she sent me this beautiful butterfly this morning. :)

Why can't they all be here?

In the last few weeks, three of my babyloss friends have had rainbow babies, a subsequent child after their loss, or in some cases losses. I can't express how happy, relieved and hopeful this makes me for them, who have suffered so much and who deserve a change in this life's path or repayment in karma. They are beautiful mothers to all of their children, here and in heaven.

I still question why we can't have all our babies here with us. The injustice of the circumstance is beyond words for me. Why can't they all be in our arms? I will never understand.

I carried Angel with me for 31 weeks, I held my beautiful baby girl's little hand in mine at birth for a few treasured moments. I carry her in my heart for a lifetime.

Visit

Last year on this date Jeff and I were at the funeral home for our visitation with Angel. The last day I saw her physical body. It kind of felt like an out of body experience. So surreal.
We had picked her one and only outfit to wear...the hat she wore said little butterfly on it. We sent with her letters from Jeff and I, which we read to her, letters from her grandmas, photos of Jeff and I and her grandparents, a small teddy bear I got at the hospital, a few flower buds from the bouquets we got from her aunts and uncles, and the hungry caterpillar book which I read to her also.

Although it is hard to look back on that day, and the days following her birth, I am glad I remember so many details, as these are the only memories we have with her physically here. How I wish I had more time.

The arrangements

Last year on this date, Jeff and I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for Angel.

This is something no parent should have to do for their children.

I don't know how we got through that. How do you even make decisions when you are still in shock? When you are physically and emotionally broken? And everything is an emotional and heart wrenching choice too, like you want to have the perfect urn, a beautiful inscription, a memorial service that lives up to your expectations for your firstborn daughter's life and all that it means to you. These are some of the only decisions you get to make for your baby and you feel the pressure to make it just right. To make it perfect for her, to properly demonstrate your deep, deep love.

So much to consider and yet it is achingly painful, impossible to function, two days after she was born.

Instead of going to babies r us following my daughter's birth here we were at a funeral home. I don't think the brain can even grasp the gravity of the situation at the time.

And so although Angel's birthday has passed I am still drawn to these memories of the days following her birth....my heart is breaking to remember and to relive it all.

Happy Birthday sweet Angel

She was born into our arms at 2:45am.
I will never forget holding her. Touching her little feet and hands. Talking about her features. Letting her go from my arms--- it felt like losing a part of my own body and soul.
___

My dear angel
I can't believe a year has gone by. A whole year without you. Do you know how much you are missed? A piece of my heart was carved out and taken when you left us.
The love and the sorrow is so raw, even a year later. Know that your daddy and I love you and miss you now and everyday. Sending kisses to heaven for your first birthday.
 

As we wake up in the morning

And you're not here to see,

We grasp for some reality...

That our dreams will never be.

We'll bake a cake and buy balloons,

We'll burn a candle too.

We'll play your music and look at pictures,

And shed some tears for you.

We'll imagine what this day would bring,

If only you weren't gone.

You'd run and laugh and jump about,

We'd sing the birthday song.

You should be here today,

Excited as can be...

Sifting through toys and wrap,

Bursting forth with glee....

But God had other plans for you,

These plans we'll never know.

Today the candle burns,

With no tiny lips to blow.

So on this day my precious daughter

Your birthday number one.....

You're in our thoughts and in our hearts

...as we send to you our love.

Happy Birthday in heaven sweet girl

____

I know I am blessed. Even on this incredibly hard day I can say this.
Here are some of the ways Angel has been remembered by my family and friends.

A dozen knitted hats my mom made as a donation for Calvin's hats, a non profit organization that distributes hats to families who have lost their babies too soon. One hat for every month that grandma and grandpa have missed Angel. ♥

 

I have received so many posts on facebook and texts from friends and family that remember.  I can't tell you how much that means.  I really was afraid people wouldn't remember.  I feel the love and it makes yesterday and today a bit easier.

I've received a few handwritten cards from Shannon, Jackie and my aunt Jane.  Jackie also sent me a beautiful, soft, white feather as a keepsake for Angel.

Finally...Shannon created this beautiful video for me...she collected photos from my blog and from what she had, to put this together so Jeff and I could remember Angel on her birthday.   It really is such a special way to look back and reflect on the happy times of my pregnancy and the special memories Jeff and I have made in her honour since we lost her.   I can't imagine how long this took to do, and I am so, so grateful to her, it is amazing keepsake that I will watch many, many times now and in the future.  Thank you Shannon for being a dear friend to me and for always remembering my daughter with me.

Memory box donation

Jeff and I went back to St Joseph's hospital today to do the memory box donation. Luckily they have created a new maternity wing so we went to a different part of the hospital from where I was admitted on this date last year. We met with the social worker there, Kim, that helped us. We had a nice meeting with her and I showed her what I included in the box. The items were:
A scented candle
A mom of an angel bracelet
A parent of an angel pin
A teddy bear
A notebook and pen
2 blankets - one to wrap their baby in while they visited and then take home with them and a second blanket to wrap the baby in when they leave
Some resources -- information on now I lay me down to sleep that does memorial photography and some info on faces of loss
A knitted hat my mom made
A letter from me that included some things they may want to do with their baby and also my contact info if they want to reach out to me.

I asked Kim how often a woman comes in and loses her baby and she said there are 20 to 25 cases per year. The number doesn't really surprise me but it does make me so sad.

I really hope this box helps another mom in need. I hope they contact me and that I can offer some comfort. This is my wish, in Angel's honor.

8-10-11

A day I wish I could forget but which has been seared into my memory.
Going into that checkup and chatting with the midwife....I had no idea how things would change in a few short minutes.
Lying on the bed, she tried to find the heartbeat with the Doppler.
She changes the batteries
She tries a different Doppler
My heart starts to race and she picks up my own faster heartbeat...but we both know it is not hers
At some point early on I ask if I should be worried and she shakes her head and says no
She didn't want to believe or accept it either
She take me upstairs to try their big machine
Nothing
Panic and shock starts to set in
We need to go to the hospital for an ultrasound
She drives me as I am pretty out of my mind with fear
I have to call Jeff to ask him to meet me there and I tell him very little, because I know he has to drive
He tells me later he cries the whole way over
Waiting and waiting for the doctor to come
Lying there the doctor looks and just says "no..."
My midwife squeezes my hand and her eyes well with tears
I look back in a state of utter shock
No one says your baby is gone
It is too hard to have those words uttered
Jeff arrives and I tell him...I can't even put into words how heart wrenching it was to do
Shocked and beyond devastated we are asked to make decisions
Jeff makes the horrible phone calls to our parents
The social worker comes to start to ask about arrangements
As one point I am left alone in the hospital room and I feel so so lost in shock, my heart is cold with fear
I don't know how we got through the next 12 hours

Still trying to find my own way, without her here

I know I have been quiet this week so far and it's not because I have nothing to say. I could probably write for days right now about all the flashbacks and feelings I am experiencing but my life and mind has also been cluttered with work and trying to keep up.
Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe this new job and new focus fell into my lap as a gift from above.
The hurt is very much there, just a bit compartmentalized until I get in the car and drive....then my mind wanders to this time last year.  I was thinking today how upset I was that none of my side of the family, except my mom, wanted to come to my baby shower. Because they are superstitious. Well guess what she died anyways so good on you for being proved right. Seriously -- who puts these negative thoughts in a pregnant woman's mind??  I remember being so hurt by the lack of support.
If I ever get pregnant again I want to live in a bubble. Seriously though-I would just want to try to block out all the bullshit.
Here we are now almost a year later and I wonder if people that know me still think about Angel at all. I know there are the treasured few in my life that do and that support me.

Jeff said to me the other day that it doesn't hurt any less a year later. It is so true and not really a surprise.

A big part of me feels like I've been dropped off alone in a forest and left to figure things out on my own. As time passes it is really hard not to feel more alone with the pain, as others have moved on, are tired of hearing about/thinking about it, and/or don't realize the pain of certain dates or conversations. But can I really expect them to? Maybe I am the one that should adjust my expectations.

I was at a social function recently and two other women were complaining about how hard it is to raise their babies and what a sacrifice it is. While I am sure mothering a living child is hard, hard work, I cannot relate to their statements and it made me want to scream. And I really wanted to tell my story to add some perspective. But I kept my mouth shut. 

Experiences like that frustrate me, as I can't react or be like a normal person anymore. I can't empathize with regular struggles as much and yet at the same time I wish I could. I wish I could be normal.

Well this is it one year later. Still trying to find my own way, without her here.

Loving Angel

 

Sometimes I just get overcome with thinking about how much I love Angel. This shortly leads to tears welling up because then I quickly switch to how much she is missed.

 

 

I will never understand why she was taken from us so early but what I do know is love never dies and I try to hold on to that.
Our daughter was stillborn. She is still a part of our family. She is loved.

Ornament gift from my mom - it is called "Loving Angel" 

August

Here we are again August. How I have dreaded your return. 
Last year at this time was the last 9 days of innocence and happiness before she was gone. I was off work, preparing for her arrival....doing my registry, getting the nursery organized, visiting with my friends and family that recently had babies. Jeff and I even did a newborn care class the weekend before we found out she had died. I remember her kicking up a storm in that class. Now I wonder-- was it because something was wrong?  The unanswered questions and guilt creep in from time to time.

How is it possible I have survived this year? Looking back I don't really know. I would really prefer to close my eyes and wake up in September.
It hurts too much to remember.

"We can't know why the lily has so brief a time to bloom in the warmth of sunlight's kiss upon its face before it folds into its fragrance and bids the world good night, to rest its beauty in a gentler place.  But we can know that nothing that is loved is ever lost and no one who has touched a heart can really pass away because some beauty lingers on in each memory of which they've been a part."
Ellen Brennerman