2012

A year of pain and alot of darkness for me. Wearing a cloak of sadness that in most times was difficult to shrug off. The pain follows me as she does, in my waking moments and in my dreams. The pain of what was and what was meant to be.
I am weary of it all. I am sure others are weary of me. At times it is a very lonely place to be.

And yet. She lives on.

I watch her grow in the garden we built. She speaks to me through the art I make for her. Through mediums. Through butterflies that visit us, that land on our skin. She inspires me to reach out to other women. She influences me through new friends. I connect with others that I never would have without her here. She opens up a new spirituality that I wasn't earlier aware of. She is my greatest struggle of my life. She is my love. She pulls me through some of the darkest days I have ever known. She makes me want to be a stronger person. She encourages my endurance.

2012 was a difficult year. I can't say I am sad to see it gone. I want to let it go. I want to burn it up like a piece of paper that disappears into beautiful sparks and ash.

I know despite everything I feel I am leaping over the final hurdle of this year, a year that in many ways I would rather not reminisce about.

In 2013, I will to continue to move forward. Not forgetting but believing that I can have happiness.

A glimpse of heaven

I see her as a 4 year old girl, with wavy blond hair, an ethereal dress, a crown of wildflowers on her little head.

She is in a field, filled with these wildflowers, and long grass, and blinding sunlight.

She runs, she plays, she stops, she plays.  She runs to and from my nona who is also in the field.  She plays with other lost children.

She sees me and I catch my breath.  She hands me a bouquet of wildflowers and then runs along, away from me, saying as she goes "mommy I love you..."

For a brief moment I feel close to her.

She blows me a kiss and is gone.

What Christmas means to me now

I used to love Christmas. Since losing Angel it just isn't the same. Another blm blogger said it best when she said that Christmas is in the top 3 most painful days for those of us that have lost their babies, probably third after their birthday and Mother's Day. If you think about it, it makes sense that the most important days with your child would be some of the most painful after a loss. The loss is amplified for me, as I feel her absence and wonder what it would have been like to spoil my 15 month old daughter this year. To have her picture with Santa.

I have no desire to acknowledge the day or to put on a happy face for others. My reaction to hearing Christmas carols is a pit in my stomach.

What is important to me is that Jeff and I get through it together and cope as best as we know how. This is our deal to get through and I don't expect others to understand or even show sympathy. I know sadness makes other people uncomfortable so why make them acknowledge it.

What a grieving parent needs is space and understanding. And if you want to remember their child with them this holiday season, with a special ornament or a donation in their name, by lighting a candle or just a text saying you are thinking of their child, it really goes a long way.

This past week I received a special ornament from my mom, and my aunt made a donation for Angel. I appreciate their consideration so much.

This unforgiving world

The tragedy that occurred in Connecticut yesterday reaffirmed to me how unforgiving, unfair and unpredictable this world can be.
Innocent human beings killed. My heart hurts for the families of the victims as they reel in shock and have to pick up the pieces. How do you even do it?
It is incredibly devastating. And it can lead all of us to retreat into hiding, to live in constant fear of what might face us "out there."
I know after my loss I sometimes become overwhelmed with thinking how things can change in an instant. When I say goodbye to Jeff most mornings I be sure to say "I love you" because part of me thinks - what if this is the last time?
The only thing we can do is continue to live our lives with love and faith in the universe. Hug your children, your loved ones, and don't take a moment for granted.

Angel's ornaments

I am not really excited for the holidays but I did put the tree up this year and I hung all of Angel's ornaments front and centre. I like looking at them, so all in all I feel like I made the right decision to display them on the tree this year. I am remembering her and missing her this holiday season.

Love

At the service on Monday the priest said something that resonated with me. He talked about the choice we have in moving forward after the death of our loved one. We can be sad, angry, bitter and perhaps close ourself off. Or, we can move forward with love. The love that we felt for and with our loved one. We can keep them alive here by demonstrating that love in our daily life.
This can be easier said than done some days but I really do appreciate the message and want to try to act on it.
I received a reminder this week of how much love I have in my life. My friend Jen sent me this angel as a reminder that not only is my daughter always here with me, but so are my family and friends to help carry me along the way.
I love this piece. I will carry it with me.