Careless words

It has been awhile since I have felt so hurt by things that people say... About Angel or this path that I am on.

Over the past few days I have heard a few comments that have really pierced me. It makes me so sad and angry. 

In some cases I don't think it was out of malice -- just insensitive comments. Most recently though, someone said something to Jeff and by association me, that was so incredibly mean. The lowest blow. And the frustrating thing is that I barely know this person and I can't really retaliate... Not that I would but I feel like protecting Angel, Jeff and I by at least calling them out for being so cruel and insensitive. There is never an ok reason to thrash out at someone about the loss of their child and the pain that exists in this space after loss. Never ever. My heart hurts tonight.

Happy Father's Day

Right where I am - 1 year, 9 months, 29 days

For the second year, I am participating in Angie's blog round up, Right Where I am.

http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.ca/2013/05/right-where-i-am-2013-four-years-five.html?m=1

I debated about writing this post this year  as in some ways I don't feel that I am in that much of a different place. Some days I still feel somewhat lost and unsure of what the future holds. I have PTSD moments when I feel like I am reliving things. I still get sucked under the current of grief.  A part of my soul died that day with her.

But when I really reflect on it I know I have changed. In some ways I feel a lot stronger and I have learned how to cope with things as best I know how.

I have put myself out there and tried just about anything to heal. Individual counselling, group support, online support, reading and writing about grief and losing a child. Creating and tending to Angel's garden. 

I am still learning. I accept there is no end line and no closure and not to expect that.  I live in that fine balance of joy and sorrow. I grab on to the happy moments in life as hard as I can. 

I know that I feel most whole when I can be my complete and authentic self and can speak about my loss and my daughter and feel love and support. I have less time for frivolous relationships that aren't reciprocal.  I can say I have no desire to put myself in places that trigger me, like baby showers or kids parties. I am still selfish in that regard, but it is about self preservation for me and why do something that will take me 10 steps back in my journey? It is a sacrifice I don't want to make, at least not right now.

I can say that I feel Angel's presence a lot. Jeff and I have talked about this because we both do. I know her spirit is with me, with us.  I don't need to necessarily write it all down here, what I feel and how much I love and miss her...she knows. I know she does.

I know she would say to me "move forward, all will be well."  She is my "caim."

They remember

I love when people remember Angel with me. Last night I was able to speak freely about her without people cringing. In fact they brought her up without me prompting anything. They talked about my tattoo and my beautiful garden and how they wish this hadn't happened to Jeff and I. They showed true friendship and compassion. It means so very much when I can talk about my daughter and feel normal about it with others. It feels authentic and healing. I feel 100 percent myself and it really is a gift that most people can't give me. Feeling so grateful for it today. The small things make all the difference.