There will never be another like you

Gratitude

I am feeling so very grateful for the comments and support received for my last post, on where I am right now in my grief.  So often in this journey I have felt isolated and alone with it all.  The babyloss community has been a lifeline for me, and it means so very much to have my feelings validated.  I feel less crazy and that I am less alone.  It really means the world to me.

Right Where I am – 9 months and 2 weeks

Angie, from Still Life with Circles, has for the 2^nd year in a row, launched a project called “Right Where I am” where she asks other babyloss parents to write about where they are with their grief in the present moment.  And that wherever you are, it is right.

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I am 9 months and 2 weeks into this journey of life after loss. I am slowly approaching the one year mark of Angel’s birthday.  As the weather turns warm, I am drawn back to so many memories of last summer, being pregnant in the engulfing heat.  And then of course that leads me to think about the day everything changed and the aftermath of that.  It’s funny how weather, or a season, can trigger you.  I also get triggered by smells – warm, pungent, wilting flowers in my living room takes me back to the days after we lost her and the flowers surrounding me from family and friends. 

I think back to where I was last year at this time.  One year ago tomorrow was my anatomy scan.  Here is a photo of me from that day. 

It’s really strange looking at pictures of me before this all happened.  I feel nostalgic for that person.  I feel like I’ve aged a hundred years since this photo was taken.

Right now, it is hard not to feel cheated by life some days.  Right now, I struggle not to become a bitter person.  Right now, I still miss her and wonder what she would have been like.  Right now, I try to grab onto moments of happiness that pull me along. Right now, I still for the most part put one foot in front of the other but don’t know where I will be 6 months down the road.   Right now, I still feel disoriented because I am living a life that I didn’t picture 9 months and 15 days ago.  The future is hard to imagine.  I hope it is full of healing.  I hope.     

Linking up with Right Where I Am over at Still Life With Circles

The pain sculpts us

It is so hard some days not to pulled back down into the darkness of grief. It creeps up on you and grabs you.  Sometimes I can't believe this all happened. It seems like a bad dream, in fact, the worst nightmare.  I suppose it is the brain protecting itself when I don't focus on the gravity of what happened, every second of every day.  But then when I think about it, it really does hit me.  She's gone.  I am missing out on so, so much.  Sometimes I am angry, and sad, and lost.  I really don't want to feel that way. When I get hit by the grief, I try to focus on all the gifts Angel gave me.

There was a beautiful post written in Still Standing magazine today about finding light in the darkness.   "And now, even if I've been denied the ability to hold her in my arms, I can still keep her close to me. I have found her in the little gifts the universe leaves me. I just have to open my heart up to receive them."

To steal a quote from my friend Amanda says about her son Cayvior -- Everything beautiful reminds me of her.  Life really is illuminated in a different way and that is her gift to me.  I remember her when I see butterflies, roses, sunsets, clouds floating in blue skies, the ocean, the stars, the sunlight through the trees.

Grief changes us. The pain sculpts us into someone who:

Understands more deeply,
Hurts more often,
Appreciates more quickly,
... Cries more easily,
Hopes more desperately,
Loves more openly. ♥

Do not NOT live because they are not here...Live because they were, because they touched us, because they made us understand, hurt, appreciate, cry, hope and love more deeply than we ever thought possible. Live for them not despite them.

Visit to Butterfly Conservatory

Shannon, Owen & I went to the Butterfly Conservatory in Cambridge yesterday. We saw many unique butterflies! here are some photos and a short video. It was very beautiful there.

Angel's garden is growing

Here are some more recent photos from Angel's garden...it is really started to get established, just over two weeks later. I have noticed growth in the plants and some are started to get buds and bloom.

The rose bush has grown new leaves and there are even small buds on it; also the plant behind it has purple blooms and the yellow plant in front also has purple flowers that open in the day sun

The plants around Angel's plaque are growing fuller and wider

Full  garden view - the grasses at the back are taller

Our butterfly bush is getting alot of new, green leaves on it also; it is expected to grow 4-5 feet tall

Mother's day gifts

This week I received a couple of items in the mail for Mother's day....A donation made by my mom to PBSO in Angel's name, and a lovely pink butterfly from my dear friend Amanda.  I love that Angel is being remembered!  I have the card and butterfly in Angel's spot at home.

It hurts but I don’t want to skip over it either

Flashbacks and painful memories still hit me when I least expect it.  This week at work, I was multi-tasking and focused on many different things, but in the middle of all that I had a flashback all of a sudden out of nowhere to August 10^th. To one of the most painful moments.  I don’t know why that happened because I wasn’t even triggered by anything at the time but it hit me all of a sudden and I had to take a moment to collect myself.  Lately, more and more comes back to me about that day…moments I must have forgotten in my fog.  I tried to figure out what might have prompted this particular flashback out of nowhere but honestly there was nothing.  I am surprised that I don’t have control of the flashbacks still.  But at the same time, this is my new life and I can’t push aside what has happened.

The other night we were driving home in the car and the song “What Sarah said” by Death Cab for Cutie came on…one of the songs that remind us of Angel. 

We decided to listen to it and it was emotional.  But what Jeff said was so true – It hurts to listen to it but I don’t want to skip over it either.  That is how I feel about integrating Angel into our lives also.  What happened, happened.   We can’t go back and change things, as much as we’d like to.  And it is healing to continue to acknowledge our loss, to reflect on all the memories, good and bad.   

Mother's Day

I do feel the love this Mother's Day.   Don't get me wrong, this day is still a painful reminder that Angel isn't here physically. However I have received so many nice and surprising guestures for Mother's Day this year.

Jeff gave me these lovely flowers. 

In the background you can also see the cards I recieved, from him, Shannon and my mom. 

I've also received so many nice messages from friends and especially from my circle of babyloss moms.   We will always think of eachother and our babies, during these milestones and I value that support.

I also feel Angel's love.  I went out to the garden this morning, and a purple flower had bloomed right near her plaque. 

If she could say anything to me today, I hope it would be this....

Miss you baby girl.

For those who had to give their child back

9 months

Dear Angel

9 months ago today we said hello & goodbye to you.  Soon it will be mother’s day, and I wish I had you in my arms.  This month is a bit hard Angel.  Maybe it is being without you on Mother’s day, or remembering where I was a year ago in May -so many special memories with you, or hurting for the other angel babies that were gone too soon in this month- there are so many moms that I hurt for.

One thing that has helped to heal my heart just a little is planting and caring for your garden. It brings me some joy this spring. I hope you can see the garden we’ve built for you.  One of the flowers started to bloom the other day and I thought of you. 

You gave me a tremendous gift Angel – the opportunity to feel the depth of my love for my child.  Even though you are not here physically, no one can take that away.

I long to feel the soft weight of you,
to welcome you home with kisses on silky round cheeks.
Instead my arms ache with the weight of your absence,
the empty places that were meant for you to grow into.
My love for you will last an eternity.
My hopes and dreams now carried on the fragile wings
of each butterfly passing, compelling me to peace,
to pause, to savour each moment
each flutter in my heart ~ your wings.
Author unknown.

Life illuminated

In commenting on another babyloss mom's blog earlier this week, I told her that I felt life since the loss is illuminated in all aspects.  And it is so true, I feel sorrow deeper, and yet I feel joy stronger, those elucid moments of joy that happen in between the grief.  I still feel many deep and sad emotions about this loss, and I expect to carry that for the rest of my life.  But I do feel hope and joy and gratitude also.  I am grateful that Angel is my daughter and that she has taught me so much about myself and about life.  She has changed me forever, in ways I will continue to discover.

Random acts of kindness

Our neighbour stopped by last night to give us this stone for Angel's garden.  I love it and I love her random act of kindness.  I am grateful to be reminded there are good people in this world, that remember Angel without me expecting or asking for it. 

For you are my child, forever my love is yours

Angel's memorial garden ♥

Well we did it!  I am so excited to share Angel’s garden!

I am going to post a ton of photos, but essentially the landscapers started on Monday and finished by Friday of this week.  They dug up the garden, which is 29 feet by about 6 feet.  It is huge and I love it!  We also got some nice stonework done around the garden. Eventually we will replace the fence behind it.

The plants are small and spaced out, but they are placed in a way that will allows them to grow in width and height.  The grasses at the back are expected to grow up tot 5 or 6 feet tall.  Also none of the plants have  blooms yet but I can’t wait to see how they grow and bloom this season. I picked lots of great colours – apricot roses, daisies, red bee balm, a multi colour butterfly bush….lots of bright colours that will really pop.

Our landscaper Mike took me to Plant World yesterday to pick everything out. We spent an hour and a half choosing everything.  He was describing the memorial garden to one of the sales people at the store who helped us, and he said he wanted it to be full of sensory experiences – sight, smell and sound.  After the sales person stepped away he asked if he described it ok, which I really appreciated.  He then said to me that for the sensory experience of the garden, he wants it to feel like children laughing.  I teared up a bit when he said that.  It means a lot that he cared enough about this project, our memorial garden, to really make it special.  He also took great care to place Angel’s plaque in a special spot, on and surrounded by rocks and plants. 

Here is the list of plants we have in the garden:

Nutmeg Thyme (a creeper plant with purple flowers)

Zebra grass

Physostegia Virgiana (white flowers)

Threadleaf Coreopsis (yellow and red flowers)

Perennial Sage (purple flowers)

Beebalm (red flowers)

Hakonechloa (gold)

Baptisia (purple and yellow flowers)

Fatal Attraction Coneflower (pink flowers)

June Hosta

Princess Margareta rose bush (apricot roses)

Feather Reed Grass

Becky Shasta Daisy

Maggie Daley Astilbe (pink flowers)

Emerald Pink Phlox ( a creeper plant with pink flowers)

Switch Grass

Euphorbia Polychroma (yellow flowers)

Nepeta racemosa (purple flowers)

Tradescantia (gold)

Red Baron Japanese blood grass

Gaillardia Arizona Apricot (orange and yellow flowers)

Wooly thyme (green creeper plant)

Golden Jenny (yellow creeping plant)

Tricolour butterfly bush

Now for the photo bomb….

Before...

Mid project

Garden going in!

Done!!!

Our butterfly bush...it is is supposed to grow to 5 to 6 feet in height, and it is tricolour, white, light pink and dark pink.

Our rose bush - apricot roses

Angel's plaque...it turned out a bit light in this photo but you can see the placement, etc.

Facing Mother's Day

There has been alot of discussion with my babyloss friends and in the broader babyloss community about Mother's Day.

What would I like other people to know about Mother's Day? 

That the number one thing I hear from my babyloss friends is they fear they will be forgotten.  Unfortunately this is probably fairly likely in many families.   Often the babies that we have lost are not counted among the family, as children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and therefore if you are a mother to only an angel baby, your motherhood doesn't count.

What else would I like people to know? 

That even though I don't care for a child on a daily basis… I'm still a Mom. I still carried my baby for 31 weeks and 5 days.  I still felt her kicking. I still gave birth. I still would have given my own life to save hers. I still think of her everyday. I am still a Mom.

May 6th has actually been marked as International Bereaved Mother's Day.  I like that we do get our own day, as we probably would get lost in the shuffle of the regular Mother's Day celebrations the following week.  On May 6th, I will be sending my love to all of my babyloss friends, my fellow moms facing the hardest journey I've ever know.

"Now that you are gone, my heart is broken. But because you were once here, it is completely filled with love."