Where do you go from here?

I had this question asked of me recently and the only answer I could muster at the time was "I don't know."

Life after losing Angel is a bit of a blank canvas.  Uncertain, and very blank.  What I also read recently though, which tells me I am "normal", or at least this is a normal type of reaction - is this is also a symptom of post traumatic stress, common in women who faced the loss of their baby.

Post traumatic stress includes... “numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by . . . a sense of foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span).”

This sounds pretty ominous but really what I feel is that I don't know what the future holds.  Or a future is hard to envision right now.  So when people ask me where do I go from here....I really honestly don't know.  I had an imagined future with Angel all mapped out and that map has been wiped clean.  So the best I can say is - wait and see, let's figure it out as we go.  I guess what I would ask for back, from people that are wondering this of me - is please don't ask that.  Please just be there for me, and accept whatever comes.

Angel had a purpose

Last night, I met up with a good friend that I haven't seen since Angel's memorial.  We had such a wonderful conversation, my heart feels full.   She told me that Angel's life & death has impacted her and that the memorial we held for her last August was something she will never, ever forget.  She said she talked about the experience for at least a week, to so many people in her life.  She reminded me of the message that Jeff and I tried to share that day - that life is fragile and not to take it for granted.  To be a better person.  To take a moment and think about one small change we can make in our daily lives that would help others.  Forgive someone you are angry with, donate your time or resources to those less fortunate, share a moment of compassion with a friend in need, tell someone you love them - don't hesitate, and take the opportunity now to reach out to others and make a difference.
Most importantly, my friend told me that Angel had a purpose.   And that everyone that attended that memorial service felt it and was influenced by her.


Angel, do you know how many people you have changed for the better?  I am so proud of you.  This conversation reminded me of all the gifts you have given to Jeff & I, and our friends and family.

Angel's Name in the Book of Life

At The Church of The Holy Innocents, in New York, you can have your baby's name added to their "book of life."  Here is the certificate for Angel.

One year ago today, we were blessed to learn about you

January 25, 2011

On this date, one year ago today, Jeff & I found out we were pregnant with Angel.  I remember the day very well.  We were so excited that we barely slept that night.  Immediately we began to think about how different our lives were going to be, becoming a family of three.  That night, and then over the course of the pregnancy, we started to conceptualize all our hopes and dreams for our child.  It’s funny how you can start to plan things out in your head. Not just the birth of the baby and that first year with them, but years and years down the road.  You expect this new little person to be there. For the rest of your life.  I had so much joy planning things out and thinking about the future with our little one. 

What we can’t deny is that our lives have changed because of her.  We miss her terribly and some days it hurts as much as it did when we first lost her in August.  One thing is for certain - I would do it all over again, even knowing the outcome.   I am Angel’s mom and I would never change that, ever. Angel brought us SO MUCH happiness.  And that is what I want to remember today.

__________

Still Would Have Chosen You - by Terri Banish

If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you
If God told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you
If He would have told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you

Remembering Angel - baby book & bear

One of the things that is very important to me, is to keep Angel's memory alive, here & now, and going forward.  I am constantly looking for tangible things that can help me remember her - like the framed prints we have for her, candles or other momentos, my tattoo, my butterfly necklace, the garden I want to create for her in our backyrad.

This week I got a couple of items that will continue to help me keep her memory alive.

First off - Dana knitted me this sweet little sweater for my teddy bear.  It is actually a pooh bear - I had been thinking of doing a winnie the pooh type theme for Angel's room.  Dana has a teddy bear for Jacob with a "J" sweater and I told her I admired it and she offered to create one for me, for Angel.  I was so touched, and I love it.  I know Dana also uses her bear in family photos, to remember Jacob and I think that is a great idea to incorporate his memory going forward.   Thank you Dana! 


Also, I ordered this baby book specifically for Angel babies this week.  I am looking forward to filling it out and making sure I have all my memories of Angel documented, so I can always look back on them.

Love, Loss, Healing & Hope - an eloquent video on the experience of losing a child

One of my babyloss mom friends, Amanda, shared this video with me today. 
It is speech given by bereaved parent, Ceil Drucker.  I thought I would post it here because it really resonated with me.  For those that can't really relate to what I have gone through, perhaps this will shed some light and offer some perspective.

http://www.nationalshare.org/parents.html

I feel like she took the words right out of my mouth and the feelings out of my heart - she eloquently describes the experience of losing a child and the aftermath of that.  Everything she says rings true for me.

The little things make all the difference

Yesterday, I met my mentor/director friend for coffee.  I haven't seen her since I lost Angel.  She actually invited me to meet her and she talked about a potential opportunity working for her, which is another story but made me feel good nonetheless - it is nice to be wanted!  It is strange how this loss impacts all sorts of facets of your life.  Losing Angel is a blow to my confidence in myself, and to know that others hold me in high regard when it comes to my work reputation and that I am "wanted" does help to reboost some of my confidence again.

What I really wanted to talk about though is how she spoke to me about Angel and how compassionate and perfect she was in acknowledging this loss.  She could have easily pretended it didn't happen and skirted around the issue.  But she genuinely asked how I was doing since, she talked about how her thoughts had been with me, as had so many of our friends and colleagues.  She made me remember the support we recieved in those horrible early days and how many people came out for us at Angel's service of rememberance.  She talked about how she couldn't possibly understand losing a child but that she knows that this has forever changed my perspective, that our daughter will live forever in our hearts and we will continue to integrate her memory into our lives as we move forward.  She said all the right things and little things, little words like this make all the difference to me.  That is all I really want from friends that want to share the journey.  Acknowledge what it is, that Angel existed and how important she will always be to me.  She also hugged me as we left.  My heart felt uplifted by the conversation.  I can't help but think that Angel has influenced so many relationships in my life, and brought me closer to many people.  In some cases, it has also led people to distance themselves, but I am so grateful for the relationships that have deepened.

I thought this photo below was the right illustration for the sentiment of this post. My heart was uplifted....
This is "a heart from heaven."

Stillbirth Awareness - I am the face

I have been meaning to post a link to this for awhile...I shared my story on Faces of Loss and if you'd like to see it, here is the site:

http://facesofloss.com/2011/11/3900.html#more-3900

This site raises awareness about miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.  They also give real advice to moms going through a loss.  I read all of the real advice pieces and I find them so valuable.  There were situations that I needed to learn to cope with, and I was able to learn from others that walked before me.

I am facinated in a way, looking at the photos of the women on this site. In most cases, they are photos of women who are happy, smiling, innocent, ready to take on life.  You look in their eyes and think - can they survive this?  How do they?  How can one find that happiness again?

_________

Everything is different now.  If you see me smiling, it is a welcomed break from feeling sad and missing Angel.  It might also mean I am just sick of crying.   On days when I am feeling good, I am almost surprised and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I brace for another wave of sadness.  This is life now.  It is about trying to protect myself, being strong and facing it.

For a short time, I carried Angel in my body.  For an even shorter time that felt like a blink of an eye, I held her in my arms. I know I have her always in my heart. But I will never again have her hand in my hand. I miss her life in my life.

Love ♥

5 months

Dear Angel

It has been five months since we lost you.  I think about you every day.  The hurt of losing you will never go away.  I read somewhere that the burden of losing a baby is like carrying a brick around in your pocket – the heaviness of the burden is always with you.  I am trying to learn to cope without you, as much as I wish I didn’t have to.

I think in many ways this loss doesn’t seem as real for others as it does for Jeff & I.  This is understandable, because none of our family and friends met Angel or held her like we did.  Sometimes I wonder if we made the right decisions on that day.  It might have helped me, in the long run, to have our close family meet Angel and feel the realness of the loss.  To see how big she was, what she looked like, and how she was a real person, that was 16 inches long, with big eyes, with a sweet little mouth, and with Jeff’s nose. She was a preemie size, but in another couple of months, she would have become a chubby full term baby.  If she had been born alive, she may have survived with the help of NICU treatment.

Here are some pictures of a growing baby at 31 weeks:

For those that really want to get to know Angel, I can share her photo with you also, when we see each other next.   

I write this entry because I suppose I want to try to make Angel more real for others. 
 

Our society is often uncomfortable talking about death.  The death of an infant makes people even more uncomfortable.  Years ago, people rarely spoke of their stillborn children.  They were made to feel as though they ought to forget the trauma...to move on.  I believe that every child's story is worthy of telling, no matter what the circumstances or outcome.

Angel was born still, but she was still born.  Her story deserves to be told and her life deserves to be acknowledged.

Stillbirth =

This was posted on an online facebook group called Stories of Babies Born Still. I don't think it needs much description.  I just want to add that this gives you a sense of the complexity of emotions you feel about this experience.  It is not just plain grief, there are many, many layers.  I think two words that are also missing are guilt and regret.

A letter for those who have lost a baby

http://angelarodman.blogspot.com/p/for-those-who-have-lost-baby.html

I found this site a few months ago and I think this letter is perfect.  Reading it again now I pick up different things than I did the first time - I think that just shows that I am healing - slowly - even if on a day to day basis I can't see it, I know I am.  Different parts of the letter jump out depending on how I am feeling and how far out I am from losing Angel.  Regardless, it is a letter I also would have loved to read on August 11, 2011 - and I will keep coming back to it from time to time I am sure.

She existed

Sometimes a person touches your heart and you know that you will never forget them. Sometimes that person is tiny and has never taken a breath on this earth.

Angel was a real, beautiful little person.  She existed, and I can talk about her if you would like to.  I won't ever forget her, and it hurts if others pretend she didn't exist.  It hurts to think she isn't here but it hurts more when people ignore the fact that she WAS here.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
... I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent, pretending she didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say “pretty good” or “fine.”
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~Author Unknown

You should be here today - missing you ♥

A Balloon Release on New Years Day!

I have met so many amazing women who unfortunately are also on this difficult journey, following the loss of their babies.  Some of the women I have met online through a babycentre forum - we all had losses relatively close together and we have been there to comfort eachother over the past few months.  It is amazing how an experience like this creates an instant bond with others.

One of the moms I met online, Amanda (Cayvior's mom), arranged to do a balloon release for our babies on New Years Day.  Here are a few photos she shared with us. 

This photo kind of gets to me - seeing all the balloons grouped together you can really reflect on our collective loss.

There are pink balloons are for the girls, blue for the boys and yellow if the loss was earlier on and the sex was unknown. 

In each balloon is a written message for our babies.  In Angel's I wrote:
Angel Eternity Stewart, August 11, 2011
Mommy & Daddy love you and miss you baby girl! Happy new year Angel.

Amanda told us that it was an awful day weather wise in Pittsburgh where she lives, on New Years Day.  However, when she went outside to do the balloon release, it cleared up just for a few minutes. The sun came out and there was even a rainbow!  I'd like to think our babies sent that rainbow to us.

Check out the rainbow near the telephone pole.

Happy new year!!

thank you Amanda!

Unless you have walked in these shoes...

You should not judge. And believe me you don't want to walk in them.


I can't believe this very personal grief is being dredged into an American politics smear campaign. Sacrilegious in my opinion.

http://www.lifesitenews.com/blog/santorum-chokes-back-tears-responding-to-alan-colmes-remark-over-death-of-s

I love when Rick says you have to recognize the dignity of your child's life and that your child is forever a part of your family. So very true.

Looking forward to 2012

I have created a vision board for 2012.  Top & centre is Angel and the words "always remembering."  I will be remembering her this year and for the rest of my days on earth. 

One thing I have to be prepared for and am already experiencing, is reliving the pregnancy with Angel this year.  As we enter the month of January, I can't help but think that this is the month I found out I was pregnant with her last year.  As each day, week and month passes, I will remember different milestones and events during my pregnancy, many moments of excitement and happiness, and eventually many moments of utter sadness.  At a get together with other babyloss moms on Friday night, I asked about this feeling of reliving that I am starting to experience and they confirmed it is like this for the first year.  I had thought once I passed Christmas, New Years and my birthday, maybe I would feel some relief of getting past these particular milestones, and the imagined future with my daughter that I had expected would happen during these times of the year.  Now, I am facing this new challenge.  I know this is all part of the grief process and I need to brace for the triggers and memories.

On my vision board, in the front and centre, is my to do list - inspire, love, hope, share, connect, laugh, survivie, heal.    I think these are important and realistic goals for the year.

Other goals that I have placed around the board is: eating right, being more athletic, home improvements - which includes building a garden for Angel this year in my backyard, successfully delivering at work, being a traveller - by returning to old favourites and/or exploring new paths and locations, focusing on my love for Jeff and the relationship we have with eachother - being romantic and having fun - and potentially exploring the expansion of our family.

Going through this process of the vision board has really helped me today.  As I enter 2012, I have no real sense of what it will bring yet.  But I have chosen some key goals and now have a vision board to remind me what is possible. 

In the centre of the board, I also have the word "happiness." I have said before that Angel inspires me to be a better person and I know she would want both Jeff and I to find happiness and live an authentic and meaningful life.  I am hoping she will show me the way.