Saying goodbye to 2011....

Goodbye to 2011, the year I met Angel.  A year of joy, sorrow and love. This is your year, Angel and nothing can take that away. I will carry your memory and spirit with me always.  You are so special, so dear to me, so loved.

It doesn't matter where you run to....

We spent our first Christmas without Angel in Jamaica.  I guess what I learned is that it doesn't matter where you run to....even in one of the most beautiful places on earth, my broken heart still hurt.   That being said, it helped to be in the sun, near the ocean, in a place of peace.  But the bottom line is the pain doesn't go away.


I read this post on "Sharing the Journey" on facebook, and I think it really rings true:

"A dear friend of mine said something to me that changed my view of many areas of life. She was speaking of the loss of her son... and she said something to the effect of "When I think about him, it hurts. I love it when people say his name, but when I hear it, it hurts. I've had to realize that every time I think about him, it's just going to hurt."

I was speaking with her about some struggles in my life when this came up. She said, very bluntly, "You've got to quit expecting that it will feel good when you think about or talk about the situation. It stinks. And it hurts."

I know that for many of you, the holidays are painful. I'm so sorry that it hurts. I would love to take away the hurt... but I'm not sure there's a way to do that and still leave the special and important memories behind. I can't fix it... but my heart hurts with you."

There were a few moments in Jamaica that were touching and special for me.

On Friday the 23rd, there was a beautiful gala dinner on the main lawn. They arranged for a Christmas choir to come and sing and one of the songs they sang was "O Holy Night."  This song in particular tugged at my heart and made me tear up. It is just so beautiful and hearing about the birth of a baby, and the angels voices singing, really got to me.  It made me think of and miss Angel in that moment.

I also wrote Angel's name in the sand in a couple places:

Sunset beach on Christmas Eve

Main beach on Christmas Day

Shortly after I wrote her name in the sand on Christmas Day, I saw a white butterfly. 

One evening at dusk sitting on the balcony, looking at this view, I just stared out to the peaceful ocean and spoke to Angel in my mind for awhile. I cried a bit.  A few moments later a baby bird flew by and I thought maybe it was a sign. I hope so.

As we are minutes away from New Years Eve, I wonder how I will feel leaving 2011, the year that Angel came into my life.  In many ways I don't want to leave this year.  It is a feeling of wistfulness and uncertainty as we enter a new year. I feel this same way with each new season.  What will the future bring and how can I continue to integrate Angel into my life? 

All I want for Christmas...

...Is you, Angel.  When I found out I was pregnant with you, and started picturing our future as a family of 3, I was excited to think about having you in my arms this Christmas... you would have been just over 2 months old, and I pictured how I would dress you up in something cute and how we would create new memories for our first holiday together.  We miss you very much. I wish more than anything I was holding you.  I will think of you often when we go on our trip to Jamaica. I plan to write your name in the sand on sunset beach.  I will look for you in the sunny blue sky during the day and the starry sky at night.  Peace be with you baby girl.  We love you.

Merry Christmas in heaven, Angel.

_____________

Jeff & I leave tomorrow for Jamaica.  I know for me, I couldn't really picture going through the motions of Christmas this year.  Part of me was worried that I'd have to put on a happy face for the other children in our families and I just don't have the strength to do that.   Grief still weighs heavy on me.  As a trusted confidant who has gone through this said to me, "this is f'ing hard. It is probably the hardest thing you will ever face in your life. And you deserve rewards." I think she has a point. It is important to try to find a time and a place to rest and find peace for your mind, body and soul.  So we are escaping to our blissful retreat.  I will be thinking of Angel every day, and searching for some peace in my heart.

A week of gifts continues...

I think I am beginning to realize how loved Angel, Jeff and I are.  It is not that I didn't know it, I suppose when you are isolated in your grief, you don't look around to see who is there loving you - from a distance or even right in front of you. 

I visited with Shannon yesterday and we exchanged gifts. I got her an ornament for Owen - here is a photo of it:

She got me this....a framed photo of me, her, Owen and Angel. 



I was very touched. This photo brings back many emotions for me.  The excitement of my pregnancy, the excitement of that day and meeting Owen, the anticipation Shannon & I shared about our babies.  I really tried to hold my tears when I opened it!  I don't know why because I can cry in front of her, she will always be there for me.  Shannon also gave me a Christmas card with photos of Owen, her and Nick which are really adorable.  In the card, she said that she was glad to have been there through the happy times of my pregnancy and the devastating times after I lost Angel.   It is true - she has been there through it all - good and bad, absolute joy and incredible sorrow. 

I think 2011 was both the best and worst year of my life.  The best because I met Angel, and she brought Jeff and I such joy while I carried her.  The worst...well everyone knows why.  Ultimately we have lost her from this physical world.

___________

Today, Jeff and I also met his parents for lunch. It was our holiday lunch together as Jeff & I are going to Jamaica for the holidays.  I gave Jeff's parents one of the ornaments I made for Angel, to hang on their tree.  Jeff's parents gave us this:

His mom said, as she gave it to us, "this may involve a spring project for you."  Meaning...I need to build a garden for Angel!  :-) She suggested we build one around our pine tree in the back of our yard, and hang this on the tree. I think that is perfect.  In the meantime, we will display this in our home.  Jeff's parents said they have one for themselves too, that they put in their garden and it is surrounded by rose bushes.  I can't tell you how much I LOVE that. 

Sweet Angel, you will always be remembered!

A week of surprises...heartfelt gifts for Angel ♥

My heart is feeling pretty full this week.  I have received so many gifts for Angel - expected and unexpected! I feel the love for her, and for me & Jeff.

First things first - I exchanged gifts with my Faces of Loss match Crissy.  Here is what I gave her for Kyle -a candleholder like the one I gave Dana for Jacob, and an ornament with a monkey and Kyle's name/birthdate on it. She said monkeys make her think of him :).

Here is what she gave me - an Angel bunny!  On the front there is a butterfly, Angel's name and birthdate. On my back it says "born with angel wings." Also, her weight and length are on the bum. :)  It is so cute!  Thank you Crissy for this very special gift.  I am so glad to have met you and become friends.

So onto the unexpected....

My aunt Jane from Victoria BC sent me this note and gift this week.

In the card she says that when she put this pin on her blazer she thought of me, Jeff and Angel and decided to send it to me.  My mom gave this to her when she graduated with her Masters in 2000.  She said that she is thinking of me and my family.  Here is the pin.

I was very touched by this....I cried when I opened and read it. I know that Jeff and I think of Angel all the time, and probably our immediate familes think of her often too, but to know that members of my extended family remember Angel and think of her really makes me happy. I love that they think of her and can talk about her. 

Finally, I got this card, stocking and ornament from my parents today.  

The stocking was tucked in the card, and inside the stocking was the ornament.  The card said that the stocking was for Angel and that the ornament is from my parents tree - it is a dove, a sign of peace, and looking at it closely, the dove is sitting on a branch that has three berries and three leaves - one for each person in our family - me, Jeff and Angel. 
♥ ♥ ♥ 

I love it and I am displaying this in my vase with my other ornaments for Angel.    Thank you mom and dad!

As Christmas approaches I miss Angel so much.  Receiving these gifts helps to ease the burden on my heavy heart.

The unpredictable ride of grief

I have talked a bit about the grief process and how it isn't necessarily linear. It doesn't gradually decrease as time goes on as you might expect.  What happens is, the "peaks" of grief can remain as intense, or almost as intense, however, the periods of "good times" or more peaceful feelings get longer, and the peaks of grief get shorter. If I have learned anything from this experience of losing Angel, I can tell you that grief is an unpredictable ride.  I can be functioning "normally" for hours or days, and then it can hit you.  And you have to find a private place and ride it out.

I compare grief to riding a horse.  I am actually afraid of getting on a horse.  I went horseback riding when I was younger and as the horses got close to home, they took off for the stable at an alarming speed. Riding that fast and feeling not quite in control scares me.  One of my best friends also broke her arm falling off a horse.  What strikes me as similar with grief and riding a horse is the lack of control.  A wave of grief may hit you out of nowhere and knock you right off your saddle.  I wish there was a better way to prepare for it or brace for it, but it just isn't that way. You just have to hold on as tight as you can and hope for the best.

Remembering Angel - 4 months

Dear Angel
I can't believe it has been 4 months since we said hello and goodbye. I love you and I miss you, baby girl.  I am thinking of you today and every day. ♥

_______

Last night I had the opportunity to meet up with several other moms to remember our babies gone too soon at a candlelighting event.  It was such a touching and lovely get together.  Vivian hosted it - did such a wonderful job setting it up and creating an atmosphere of love and remembrance, with music and poetry.  Dana, Jackie, Monica and Nigel were also there and it was great to see them all again.  We lit candles for our babies, and for other moms that could not be there.  I feel so lucky to have met these beautiful women and to share these kind of nights with them.  I feel a sense of peace, being given the opportunity to remember Angel, to talk about her, and to light a candle in her honour. 

Here are some pictures.

Candle lit for Angel.  I brought her hat and also the angel that Carmen gave me, as momentos.

We talked a bit last night about "signs" from our babies.  Well I think I got one last night.

When I lit Angel's candle, Billy Joel's song "Lullybye (Goodnight my Angel)" just started playing in the background.  It made me cry even more.  Not only is this a beautiful song that has meaning for my baby, but I danced to this song with my Dad at my wedding. It was an emotional moment.  If that was a sign from you Angel, thank you!

Here is the song for those that don't know it:

I lit this candle in memory, for all the moms I have met in these recent months, that have also lost their babies. 

In Memory...

Group Photos:

Nigel, Monica, Me, Jackie, Dana, Vivian

Dana and Me

Jackie and Me

____________

Dana and I also exchanged gifts with eachother last night.  Here is what I gave here for Jacob.

I also made a donation to Sick Kids in Jacob's name, and in memory of August, Cub, Madeline and Emma Grace.  I knew I wanted to do a donation to Sick Kids this year for Christmas, and I am so glad to do it for Dana and Ted, and their babies.

Dana gave me this beautiful key chain for Angel.  I absolutely LOVE it.   I love that it says "Mom" and has Angel's name on it, and I love the butterflies.  I love that it is a validation and reminder that I am Angel's mom now and always.  I love that I can carry it with me wherever I go.  Thank you Dana, for such a thoughtful gift.

4 months ago, I faced the most difficult day of my life.  I miss Angel so much. But I feel blessed to have the support around me that I need to try and make it through this.  For that, I am incredibly grateful.

Always in my thoughts, forever in my heart

I think when someone loses a baby there are always going to be people in your life (either close friends/family or "peripheral people") that think eventually you will get over it, forget or move on. In fact, there are probably people in my life that think this should be the case for me, maybe even right now, almost 4 months later. 

If they are parents themselves, I suppose what I would suggest what they do is reflect on how long it took for them to "wean" themselves from their children, to feel that you are at a point where you can let go.  Even if you have a child that lives a long, healthy life, you always are a parent to them and feel the need to protect and guide them, and probably offer unsolicited advice to them, even when they are old and grey too!

I guess the point I am trying to articulate here is that most parents have years and years to adjust to their children eventually taking on their own independent lives and "leaving the nest" so to speak.  New moms have the early days of holding and caring for your child that is completely dependent on you. You may experience breast feeding, and helping your baby crawl and take their first step. You watch them say their first words, you see them explore the world as a toddler, you send them off to their first day of school, you help them grow and learn throughout their youth, you watch them graduate from high school and maybe from post-secondary. You see them walk down the aisle and have children of their own.  You eventually have an "empty nest".  And for many I imagine that empty nest is hard to deal with even at that time. 

For a mom who loses their baby, your child's life - immediate and future dreamed life - is wripped out of your hands incredibily suddenly and with such force, that you don't have those years and years to nuture your child and watch them become their own person, and then eventually "let them go."   It is an immediate loss with no time to digest or process or prepare for.

I write this just to offer a new perspective to those that might think "ok it is time to move on."  Most parents do not say goodbye forever to their children, and even when they say "see you later" when they move out and find their own path in life, it can still tug your heartstrings.

I will always have Angel in my thoughts every day of my life.  And she is forever in my heart.
Angel is kind of a big deal around here, and always will be.

There will be an answer, let it be

When Jeff and I were in Jamaica, we saw a woman with this Beatles lyric tattoed on her back, with large, beautiful angel wings.  Every time I saw her, I'd stare at it and wonder what inspired it.  And if this is in fact the truth.  I also wondered, does she know defeat, struggle, sorrow or loss like I do?  And if she does, what made her decide on this tattoo? I see this as a hopeful, aspirational thing to write down and believe.  Did she struggle with the question why like I do and eventually come to terms with it?

So many times in the past few months I have wondered why this had to happen. 

Well - for me there are two types of asking the question "why."

One is why did this specifically happen. Why did Angel leave us?  I don't have a specific biological reason.  And to be honest there will NEVER be a good enough reason for why I lost her. Having a reason doesn't change the outcome either. It won't bring Angel back.  I know I do need to let that be. 

From a more philosophical standpoint...I wonder - Why is there such heartache in life in general?  It is so hard not to struggle with this question.  Why do such devastating things happen? 

I think these questions are all part of the grieving process.  It is definitely not linear and I have different emotions of anger, guilt, sadness and vulnerability. I can feel normal for a few days or a few hours, and then it can just hit you - a wave of grief. 

Early on in my grieving I read this in one of my books: 

Remember, bad things happen to good people, without stripping them of their goodness. Regardless of what has happened to you, you are still a worthwhile person and a good mother who deserves the best life has to offer.

I come back to this quote from time to time.  I think for me, it has the same feeling as the earlier quote and "letting it be."  Tragedies occur and I need to find a balance between maintaining control over my life and accepting the limitations. 

How a friend can share the journey

Last night, Shannon sent me several photos that I hadn't seen before, from when I was pregnant with Angel.  It has inspired me to share the photos and to talk alittle bit about Shannon & I and how Angel has further defined our friendship.

I found out I was pregnant with Angel at the end of January.  Shannon was already about 3 months pregnant at the time, and she was the only other person I told besides Jeff that early on.  I wanted to talk to someone about being pregnant and all the changes I could expect with my body, and how exciting it all was, and who better to share that with then one of my best friends and someone who is also going through it!  

Shannon was my pregnancy buddy and we had so many good times together, talking about how we felt physically and emotionally, and preparing for our little ones to arrive.   Shannon knew what all the best baby products were out there - she researched like crazy and came up with tons of recommendations!  We talked at length about things like baby monitors, breast pumps, sleep sacks, etc.  It was great because we were both interested in learning everything we could about preparing for a baby, and while this might be boring to others, we couldn't get enough of it!  We shopped alot together and even took a trip over to Buffalo to check out maternity clothes and other baby items.   We talked about the different ultrasound scans, the IPS testing, the glucose test....I was pretty lucky to find out what things to expect from each, since Shannon was a trimester ahead. We knew we would help throw baby showers for eachother too, and Shannon's shower was held in June - I was about 5 months pregnant here, and she was a few weeks from her due date.

You would think that losing Angel might cause Shannon and I to drift apart but in fact the opposite has happened.  Shannon stepped up and was an anchor for me in the heartwrenching and awful early days of loss.  She called me when I was in the hospital shortly after I delivered. She told all of our friends for me because I didn't have the energy to do it.  She emailed me every day, with words of encouragement and compassion.  She made a donation in Angel's name to Sick Kids a few short days after we lost her.  She visited me at my home shortly after I delivered and brought me a lovely gift for Angel (a memory box), a handwritten card with words of support, and one of the most touching things ever - a letter to my baby girl.  Here is an excerpt from that letter:

"Your mommy loved you so much when you were inside her and did everything possible to care and protect you while you grew. You could not have been more wanted or more loved and you will always be loved more than anything by your parents.  To lose you is probably the hardest thing your Mommy and Daddy will ever experience in their whole lives and they will be forever changed living life without you.  They will think of you every single day for the rest of their lives and continue to love you more and more each day....
It makes my heart ache that Owen won't get to know you or that I won't get to see the two of you grow up together.....I understand your mommy bought you the Very Hungry Caterpillar book to be sent away with you. When I learned this I went out and bought the same book for Owen and I am going to write at the end of the book - In Memory of Angel, Friends Forever - and I will read this book to Owen many times as he grows up. He will ask me "Mommy who is Angel?" and I will tell him about you every time and your memory will live on with us forever."

Shannon, I hope you don't mind me sharing this excerpt of the letter but it really illustrates the depth of your understanding and compassion for me and for Angel.  I can't really thank you enough for everything you have done, and continue to do, as I find my way.  Thank you for sharing the journey.  Thank you for helping other women who are trying to walk beside someone in the face of loss, as I know you have passed on your experience to those who are trying to support a friend in need. 

Here is the last photo Shannon sent -- me holding Owen a week after he was born - really, I suppose it is a photo of me, Owen and Angel together.  I was 27 weeks.  I really like this one.

Flashbacks & Memories

Flashbacks & Old Memories
One of the heartaches of losing a baby so suddenly is the frequent flashbacks and memories that come to you, sometimes out of the blue.

It is strange but I tend to view my life as "before Angel" and "after Angel".  When something like this happens - a sudden and traumatic loss - it is kind of like being in a serious accident. It happens in an instant and it hits you with such impact.  You tend to have symptoms of post-traumatic stress.  It is not as bad now as in the early days but this includes anxiety, nightmares and lots of flashbacks.

The flashbacks come less frequently now, and they aren't all bad.  I often have flashbacks to moments of joy during my pregnancy. 

This week I went back to work, and as I was trying to get caught up, I was going back through my calendar.  I had almost forgot that I was on vacation the first week of August.  I was looking at my calender and all the things I had done that week to prepare for Angel, like getting the crib delivered and washing the baby clothes...being the geek I am I had created a list of tasks that I wanted to get done that week, in anticipation of her arrival.

It made me think about this day during the first week of August ....when I met Shannon and Lisa and their little ones Owen and Marcus for lunch.  I think this is one of the last pictures I have where I am pregnant with Angel. You can't really see the bump all that well, since I was holding Owen.  I had a great time that day.  Shannon and I had gone to Safety Superstore to register for Angel, and we also went to look at baby clothes together.  Little did I know what was in store for me a few days later.

December 4 Update
So, I had to update this post, because what Shannon said was true, I had a huge blob of salad dressing on my shirt from lunch, and here it is in all its glory!  I saw this photo when Shannon took it and then we HAD to do a retake of course, and I had to strategically hold the bottle in front of it.

In this one I am laughing so hard I am almost crying, because of the ridiculousness of the situation.   It was such a funny moment though!  Such a great memory.  Oh, and also another retake was needed so the bottle and straw wasn't blocking Owen either!

Creating New Memories
As we now enter the month of December, I miss Angel very much.  Angel should be almost 2 months old, and we should be preparing for our first Christmas with her. 

One thing that I have to look forward to is a Holiday Gift Exchange with a fellow babyloss mom Chrissy.  I signed up for this on Faces of Loss and just found out we were paired together yesterday.  She lost her son Kyle at 38 weeks on May 3, 2011.  She is from Keswick, Ontario. I cried reading her story, because in many ways it is like looking into a mirror when you meet another mom in this community.  We all share an instant bond.  I am really looking forward to picking out a gift that will help her remember and honour Kyle this holiday. 

I am also going to exchange gifts with my friend Dana, from Oakville.  We met online and have got to know eachother through the babyloss friendship group I go to.  She lost Jacob exactly 18 months ago today, on June 1, 2010.  She has been a great friend and has helped me try to find my way along this journey of loss.  One day, I hope to look back at another mom that is only 4 months out of from her loss, and take her hand and help her walk forward.  That is what Dana has done for me now.

I can't wait to see what gifts I recieve for Angel.   I am sure it will be something that I treasure for her.  Doing these gift exchanges helps to keep Angel's memory alive and brings me a sense of hope and peace for the holiday season. It is important to me that Angel continues to be acknowledged and remembered, always.