All I want for Christmas...

...Is you, Angel.  When I found out I was pregnant with you, and started picturing our future as a family of 3, I was excited to think about having you in my arms this Christmas... you would have been just over 2 months old, and I pictured how I would dress you up in something cute and how we would create new memories for our first holiday together.  We miss you very much. I wish more than anything I was holding you.  I will think of you often when we go on our trip to Jamaica. I plan to write your name in the sand on sunset beach.  I will look for you in the sunny blue sky during the day and the starry sky at night.  Peace be with you baby girl.  We love you.

Merry Christmas in heaven, Angel.

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Jeff & I leave tomorrow for Jamaica.  I know for me, I couldn't really picture going through the motions of Christmas this year.  Part of me was worried that I'd have to put on a happy face for the other children in our families and I just don't have the strength to do that.   Grief still weighs heavy on me.  As a trusted confidant who has gone through this said to me, "this is f'ing hard. It is probably the hardest thing you will ever face in your life. And you deserve rewards." I think she has a point. It is important to try to find a time and a place to rest and find peace for your mind, body and soul.  So we are escaping to our blissful retreat.  I will be thinking of Angel every day, and searching for some peace in my heart.