It doesn't matter where you run to....

We spent our first Christmas without Angel in Jamaica.  I guess what I learned is that it doesn't matter where you run to....even in one of the most beautiful places on earth, my broken heart still hurt.   That being said, it helped to be in the sun, near the ocean, in a place of peace.  But the bottom line is the pain doesn't go away.


I read this post on "Sharing the Journey" on facebook, and I think it really rings true:

"A dear friend of mine said something to me that changed my view of many areas of life. She was speaking of the loss of her son... and she said something to the effect of "When I think about him, it hurts. I love it when people say his name, but when I hear it, it hurts. I've had to realize that every time I think about him, it's just going to hurt."

I was speaking with her about some struggles in my life when this came up. She said, very bluntly, "You've got to quit expecting that it will feel good when you think about or talk about the situation. It stinks. And it hurts."

I know that for many of you, the holidays are painful. I'm so sorry that it hurts. I would love to take away the hurt... but I'm not sure there's a way to do that and still leave the special and important memories behind. I can't fix it... but my heart hurts with you."

There were a few moments in Jamaica that were touching and special for me.

On Friday the 23rd, there was a beautiful gala dinner on the main lawn. They arranged for a Christmas choir to come and sing and one of the songs they sang was "O Holy Night."  This song in particular tugged at my heart and made me tear up. It is just so beautiful and hearing about the birth of a baby, and the angels voices singing, really got to me.  It made me think of and miss Angel in that moment.

I also wrote Angel's name in the sand in a couple places:

Sunset beach on Christmas Eve

Main beach on Christmas Day

Shortly after I wrote her name in the sand on Christmas Day, I saw a white butterfly. 

One evening at dusk sitting on the balcony, looking at this view, I just stared out to the peaceful ocean and spoke to Angel in my mind for awhile. I cried a bit.  A few moments later a baby bird flew by and I thought maybe it was a sign. I hope so.

As we are minutes away from New Years Eve, I wonder how I will feel leaving 2011, the year that Angel came into my life.  In many ways I don't want to leave this year.  It is a feeling of wistfulness and uncertainty as we enter a new year. I feel this same way with each new season.  What will the future bring and how can I continue to integrate Angel into my life?