Angel & afterlife

I am not the most religious person but I am spiritual, and I do like to believe that Angel is ok and is in heaven or a similar joyous place of "afterlife", feeling protected by God and protected by other family members that have passed before her.   I guess we won't know until it is our time what is really out there.   

I watched the Duggars episode on TLC this week that talked about losing their daughter Jubilee at 17 weeks, and although I don't necessarily understand their lifestyle and beliefs, what I saw was a grieving mother just like me.  One thing she said really struck me.  She said that she was thinking about her daughter - her heart, her little hands, her feet, her eyes - and when she thought about her eyes she said "God, she saw You first.  She may have never seen my face, but she saw You."  Hearing that broke my heart.  I wish Angel could have looked at me and seen my face, and Jeff's, and known our love in that way. 

This quote was also posted on SOBBS this week:  "Dear God, I would've loved to have held my baby on my lap & told them about You. Since I didn't get a chance, would You please hold him on Your lap & tell them about me? "

What "IT" is

What "IT" is!
From Grieving Mothers...

It's been a year, you should be over it. What exactly is "IT"? But do people who have never suffered loss really know what "IT" is? To us, the bereaved...

"IT" is five days after the funeral, and your world caves in with reality of the loss.
"IT" is Thanksgiving Day. trying to find something to be thankful for.
"IT" is Christmas without the merry, and New Years without the happy.
"IT" is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
"IT" is their birthday, but there is no them to celebrate.
"IT" is Valentine's Day, only this time no hearts and flowers to share with them, and your heart is broken.
"IT" is your birthday, and there is still no them to celebrate it with.
"IT" is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
"IT" is Easter and everyone is singing "Let us Rejoice and be Glad" but there is no rejoicing and no glad in your heart.
"IT" is Mother's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a mother made you feel
"IT" is Father's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a Father made you feel
"IT" is the 4th of July and the celebrations remind you just how little you feel you have to celebrate now.
"IT" is vacation time and you just stay home, because there is nowhere to go to not feel so empty.
"IT" is Halloween and when you can't bear to pass out the candy
"IT" is seeing milestones in your life progress and pass and your loved one is gone, never to share them with.
"IT" is receiving the first wedding invitation to their friend's wedding and knowing that life goes on without your loved one.
"IT" is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
"IT" is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things you had hoped to do together, and doing it all when all of your energy has been used for grieving.
"IT" is being strong when you really feel weak.
"IT" is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn't ask for, didn't want and can't even give away.
"IT" is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with their name or even face. and it hits you in the face that THlS IS REAL!
"IT" is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of their personal belongings.
"IT" is approaching the first anniversary of their death and reliving it all-oh yes, some things might be better but the void is no less.
"IT" is people forgetting and you cry, and people remembering and you cry.
"IT" is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness.
"IT" is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams ...
So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over "IT" by now, you should just tell them what "IT" really is.

Grief Graph

The grief graph is something I saw posted in one of my online forums shortly after losing Angel and I think it is helpful to share here, for other babyloss moms and for our friends and family that follow the blog. 

I am going to copy the poster's comments in also as it sort of explains what she found out and relayed to us:

"I talked to a psychologist specializing in perinatal bereavement yesterday, and he told me something I found very helpful. I was worried because I was still having occasional intense bouts of sadness, that would hit me in the middle of an otherwise 'good' day. I'd be perfectly fine all day and then while doing the dishes, making dinner, etc. I would start thinking about things and end up sobbing.

He said that most people tend to think that grief gradually decreases as time goes on, like this:

However, he said grief actually behaves like this:

The 'peaks' of grief remain as intense, or almost as intense, however the 'good times' get longer and the peaks of grief get shorter.

I just thought I would share in case this is helpful to any of you as well. It reassured me that what I was going through was 'normal.'"

If I look back to the early days after our loss, I know that there were hardly ever periods of "good times" in between the bouts of grief.  Those are getting longer for sure, and provide welcomed relief.  But the peaks of grief do come back and hit you, and sometimes out of nowhere.  And it is out of my control.  And that frustrates me to be honest. I'd love to be able to control the emotion better, but it is just not possible.    Sometimes grief is triggered - by something I see, or a conversation - and sometimes it isn't - it just hits you - in the car, while doing dishes, etc.    In between these periods, I do feel joy and I feel grateful for the many blessings I have in this life.  But it doesn't eliminate the sorrow over losing Angel and nothing can really do that.  In writing about this, I am just trying to be as honest and realistic as I can be about my experience thus far with life after loss.  This is it - the good, bad and ugly. 

Remembering March 23, 2011

One year ago today, Jeff and I went for our NT scan/ultrasound for our baby girl, who at that time was going by “baby ringo.”

I remember the anticipation of that day, hoping that all looked alright and excited to see our baby squirming around on the screen.  I also remember the relief when we were told that everything looked good. They measure the back of the neck and we were told the thinner the better – well ringo’s neck measurements were looking perfect! 

That day I felt like we conquered a big milestone.

That day I told my parents and my brother and sister-in-law we were expecting.

That day we finally revealed our secret that we’d been thinking about and quietly revelling in for weeks.

I think my mom’s reaction was shock and joy. My brother’s reaction…I think he said “shut up!”

Over the next week or so we also told Jeff’s family.  I remember his parents crying on the phone when he told them, and I remember my sister-in-law Amanda jumping up and down in our kitchen.

It makes me smile to remember. But I smile through tears.  It is very bittersweet.

 

I think I’ve said this before but it is not all one big, bad memory for me.  I will always fondly remember my pregnancy with Angel and the happiness that came with it. 

But I still struggle with the sadness too.  I’ve lost my child.  I’ve lost confidence in my body, the belief that there is a fairness to this life, the chance to enjoy pregnancy, to believe in a positive outcome or to live life normally.  I’ve lost so much more than a baby in this process and I am working on coming to terms with it all.

A life-long journey

Grieving a child is like mothering a child….a life-long journey – Lori Spray-Esteve

Ideas for Angel's Garden

I want to create Angel's garden in our backyard this year....I've been brainstorming some ideas and I hope to include a few things, depending on if I can find them. Here are some ideas:

Rose bush
 

Butterfly bushes - they actually attract butterflies, which I love. Thanks Jackie for telling me about this!



White Angel Gladiolus - another Jackie suggestion! :)


I am sure I'll think of some new ideas too, throughout the planning stages. It would be great to make it colourful and pretty, and girly, for our baby girl.

It is hard to believe you won't be here this spring Angel.  As the warmer weather approaches, and a new season begins, we are further and further away from you. I remember thinking in October how sad I was that the weather had turned cold and I wouldn't be seeing any more butterflies flying around on my walks or in the yard.  I thought about how it would be months until I would even see another butterfly again.  And yet here we are, months later.  I can't believe it. It has been months since you have been gone. I can't imagine when it will have been a full year without you.

Angel's name on Bonita Beach, Florida

My mom wrote Angel's name in the sand on Bonita Beach, Florida.  I love that her name was written there. If things had gone differently we would have both been there visiting this winter.  Thanks mom!

Before & After

Rosebud

If I had to associate any flower with Angel, it would be a rose.  We received roses for her in some of the flower arrangements that were sent to us from family and friends.  We also received a bouquet of them at the funeral home when we visited with her - I still have the bouquet in its dried up state at home.  I don't know if many people know this but we also placed a couple of rosebuds with her from the flower arrangements we recieved from our family and told her who they were from.   I am thinking it would be nice to have a rosebush in her garden that we will build. 

My Ojizo

This past Sunday, I got together with Jackie, Akemi and Vivian, and we did a creative art project at Akemi's friends store on the Danforth.  We made pottery Ojizos - the Buddist protector of children. Ojizo-same protects children that have been miscarried, stillborn or died early in life. You usually see them holding a baby, and with one or two other babies at his/her feet.


Here is the one I made, just as clay for now. It is going to be "fired" in the kiln and then I'll get the final product at our next get together.

Jackie & I working away:

Here are the others:

I find these get togethers very healing.  Not only is it healing to express yourself and your emotions about this loss through a creative project - I also value the time I spend with other moms that have faced a loss like me.  We just "get" eachother and can talk about all sorts of stuff. We talk about our losses and our challenges as we move forward, but we also talk about all kinds of other "regular" stuff.  I have made some amazing friends, because of Angel.

Beautiful

This was posted on SOBBS by a friend. It is an obituary for twins, a boy and a girl, Charlie and Sierra, born still.  She shared it with me and I thought I'd share it here. So beautiful.

7 months

Dear Angel

Today is 7 months since you were born and I held you in my arms.   Did you know that is about the same amount of time that I carried you inside me?  Did you know that is 213 days?   I can’t believe it in some ways.   I feel strange about the fact that the same amount of time has passed without you here now, as when you were with me.  213 days without you, and each morning when I wake up you are still the first thing I think about and each night you are the last thing I think about too.  213 days of tears, heartache and heaviness.    I hope you are joyful where you are.   I hope it wasn’t painful for you when you left us and that you feel peace and contentment.  We miss you so much.  We continue to love you, through our hurt.

I heard an interesting metaphor about life after loss the other day.  It is like pushing a boulder up a hill.  It’s true, and I think that gives a sense of the heaviness of the burden you carry after going through this type of loss.  It is draining. Everything takes more effort.  Life is messy too.  Relationships are different, your perspective is different, you have a new lens.

In a way this new perspective is a gift from Angel though.  I have now known incredible loss, struggle, suffering…and am pulling myself out of the depths. As I start to come out of the fog, I feel I have a different appreciation for life, a new compassion and sensitivity, I feel there is a stronger me emerging. 

This is Angel’s gift to me.

10th of the month again

I do not like the 10th of the month.  I find myself looking at the clock and thinking back to August 10th, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach.    The day we found out she was gone.  Depending on what time it is, I think back to, 7 months ago at this time I was.....insert horrible memory here....

I wish I could not think that way, but it is really hard not to get pulled back to that. 

Last night I had an amazing dream though.  I am not sure where I was but I was outside in a field and it was very early spring, still kind of cold outside.  But despite being still cold and barely spring yet, I saw several of the biggest, most beautiful butterflies, and they flew right up to, and near me, and around me.  It was an amazing sight. I just stared in awe and I felt a sense of comfort from it. 

Depth of Grief

There was a pretty awful article printed in Macleans this week about "The Mourning After" and how people "overshare" their pregnancy and infant loss.  PBSO formally responded to the article which I am glad about - someone needs to set the record straight from the grieving parent perspective.   The article is wrong on so many levels.  Some of the "facts" aren't accurate, they reference a stillborn baby as "it"....I have to believe the writer has not experienced a loss comparable to mine, because they are writing from such a distance and passing judgement in a way that tells me they can't possibly understand what this is like. I don't want to go too much into the article because it just gets me annoyed but pieces of the PBSO response really resonated with me and I wanted to post an excerpt here:

"What Ms. Kingston labels as "oversharing", we at PBSO encourage as healthy grieving.  We do not identify taking pictures or sharing our stories as public parades of grief, but as sincere ackowledgement of loss.  Only when one's loss is recognized, can one effectively grieve.  Our society is not comfortable with death, particularly when involving miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death.  Depth of grief is not related to length of gestation but rather to the attachment families have."

I think there are probaby alot of people out there that try to qualify grief.  Like - if you lost your child at 1 year old instead of 7 months gestation that would hurt so much worse.  Or taking that further, losing your child at 5, 10, 15, 20 years old, etc.  And you know what I can't speak to those other experiences and I don't want to get into a debate about that.  Ultimately though, Jeff and I lost our daughter.  As another post on here mentioned, she was a real, little person with a heart, soul, body, limbs, and face that looked like us.  We felt and still feel an incredibly strong attachment to her as she is a part of us.  To try to minimize the grief that is felt, just because she was an infant, born at 31 weeks, is incredibly hurtful and magnifies the pain of this experience.  And I think it is totally unnecessary to argue it.

February Project - out of order but inspired to contribute

So, I decided to contribute (late) to the February project on SOBBS. Nothing about grief is linear so why not do things backwards.

PROJECT FEBRUARY rules:
Take a picture. The only rule is the picture must be taken outdoors. Find something that reminds you of your journey or your child. It can be a snowflake, a leaf, a bird, a cloud, an ant....anything that evokes emotion in your heart. Don't be afraid to get down on the ground and look.

Today I saw something that inspired me to participate. This is the view out of one of the windows in my basement, where I work out. I stared at this leaf stuck in the fence while I was exercising and it struck me that it resonates with this journey. Some of the things it make me think about are:

• The tightness in my chest when I think about living life without my daughter
• A similar tightness and anger that I feel when someone says the wrong thing to me about her
• The feeling of being “stuck” sometimes, when I circle back in my head to August 10th/11th and relive the entire thing
• The way time stood still when I heard my daughter was gone
• The fierceness of which I want to hold on to and protect my daughter’s memory

Project March - Angel's name

So, SOBBS is doing something pretty cool and they are coming up with these "healing" projects every month this year.  For March, it was a challenge to create your child's name, in any medium we like, take a picture of the creation and share it.  As grieving moms we love to see our child's name written out - in print, sand, snow, beads - anything really. It helps to validate their existence I think.   Some of the moms started writing out their child's name and then using each letter to describe how they feel about the loss, and I decided to do the same.  Here is what I created for Angel:

The instructions said to "Find ways to carry your child with you, if not in the physical world than in your heart."  I love that.  And I found doing this project does have a healing effect.  It does really help to express yourself - your feelings about your child and your loss, using creative means.

Blink of an eye