One year ago today, Jeff and I went for our NT scan/ultrasound for our baby girl, who at that time was going by “baby ringo.”
I remember the anticipation of that day, hoping that all looked alright and excited to see our baby squirming around on the screen. I also remember the relief when we were told that everything looked good. They measure the back of the neck and we were told the thinner the better – well ringo’s neck measurements were looking perfect!
That day I felt like we conquered a big milestone.
That day I told my parents and my brother and sister-in-law we were expecting.
That day we finally revealed our secret that we’d been thinking about and quietly revelling in for weeks.
I think my mom’s reaction was shock and joy. My brother’s reaction…I think he said “shut up!”
Over the next week or so we also told Jeff’s family. I remember his parents crying on the phone when he told them, and I remember my sister-in-law Amanda jumping up and down in our kitchen.
It makes me smile to remember. But I smile through tears. It is very bittersweet.
I think I’ve said this before but it is not all one big, bad memory for me. I will always fondly remember my pregnancy with Angel and the happiness that came with it.
But I still struggle with the sadness too. I’ve lost my child. I’ve lost confidence in my body, the belief that there is a fairness to this life, the chance to enjoy pregnancy, to believe in a positive outcome or to live life normally. I’ve lost so much more than a baby in this process and I am working on coming to terms with it all.
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