7 months

Dear Angel

Today is 7 months since you were born and I held you in my arms.   Did you know that is about the same amount of time that I carried you inside me?  Did you know that is 213 days?   I can’t believe it in some ways.   I feel strange about the fact that the same amount of time has passed without you here now, as when you were with me.  213 days without you, and each morning when I wake up you are still the first thing I think about and each night you are the last thing I think about too.  213 days of tears, heartache and heaviness.    I hope you are joyful where you are.   I hope it wasn’t painful for you when you left us and that you feel peace and contentment.  We miss you so much.  We continue to love you, through our hurt.

I heard an interesting metaphor about life after loss the other day.  It is like pushing a boulder up a hill.  It’s true, and I think that gives a sense of the heaviness of the burden you carry after going through this type of loss.  It is draining. Everything takes more effort.  Life is messy too.  Relationships are different, your perspective is different, you have a new lens.

In a way this new perspective is a gift from Angel though.  I have now known incredible loss, struggle, suffering…and am pulling myself out of the depths. As I start to come out of the fog, I feel I have a different appreciation for life, a new compassion and sensitivity, I feel there is a stronger me emerging. 

This is Angel’s gift to me.