Some days I feel like this...

Photo borrowed from a new friend named Jackie.  Unfortunately, she also knows how this feels.

I am Angel's mom

In your life, you often reflect on your identity and how you define yourself.   What is your path and what is your role? 
Picture a hand spread out showing all 5 fingers.  Each finger represents a piece of who you are.

1 - Daughter
2-  Sister
3 - Spouse
4 - Aunt....

#5 - Mother. 

I say "This is a key pillar in the 5 and something I want to be."

You reply "But you are. You ARE a mom."

That's right.  Thank you.  Regardless of whatever else I can or will be in this lifetime....I am Angel's mom.  And that can never be taken away.

A quote that fills my heart - from Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

How an elephant says goodbye

"When a mother elephant loses her baby, they stand in a circle around her and allow her all the time she needs to grieve and mourn. They don't hurry her along, or push her to abandon the body. They stand in a circle and gently touch her with their trunks, a silent show of unwavering support.
Elephant mothers will stand with their babies for weeks, not eating or drinking, just holding them close and letting the reality that they are gone slowly settle in. And they are allowed that time by their family members." ~ unknown

A life and a love

A quote from an article in the Irish Times last summer (borrowed from Dana's blog): "With a stillborn baby, there is no past to be mourned – which is another loss in itself – but there are the endless, unfulfilled possibilities of the future that we need, somehow, to make our peace with."

There is a past to be mourned. Angel lived and then she died. Although she never took a breath of air and she only lived inside me, she still lived and, therefore, has a past. 


"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love
deeply becomes a part of us".
 

A hat for Angel

I received this hat for Angel today! It was made and sent by Calvin's Hats, an organization that provides tiny hats for babies born much too soon.  Hats are hand made in loving memory of Calvin John, who was born at 22 weeks. 

From Calvin's Mom & Dad: "When we lost our son, Calvin, we discovered there is little clothing tiny enough for babies that are born too early. Although the hospital offered us preemie-sized hats for our son's small head, they were still too big. We felt as though this was one more thing we would not be able to do right or  give to our son. Through the experience of losing our son, we learned that very small things, which seem unimportant to others, mean a great deal to those who lose a child. Calvin's Hats is offering to grieving parents a gift which can bring a small amount of comfort and peace... a hat tiny enough to fit right on their precious child's head and something to hold on to when their child is no longer here. Our wish is for these hats to bring a small amount of healing." ~John and Jenna

October 15th - National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today, on National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, we remember and honor all the precious babies gone too soon; those who have touched our hearts, blessed our lives, and changed us forever. ♥ Always loved, never forgotten ♥

1 in 4 women experience a miscarrige in their lives, yet how many women do you know that actually talk about it?  The loss of a child is sadly an incredibly taboo "hush-hush" subject in our society and women are often forced to suffer in silence. Alone.  But today is a day for remembering those who never got a chance to live, and let them know that they will always be in our hearts.

In honour of this day of remembrance, I want to share the link to a Babyloss tribute video that was created by a fellow angelmom.

destinyinbloom.com/beautiful-things/

For the little girls who will never spin around in frilly dresses, or take a ride on their daddy's shoulders...
For the little boys who will never play in their first tee-ball game, or snuggle on the couch with their mama...
For the little babes who left us before we even knew your gender, or your name...
Today, and everyday, we love and miss the YOUs you should have become.

2 months without Angel

I know the ultimate loss. When tomorrow starts without you...2+ months Angelless
The day we said goodbye - was the most inhumane day of my life...It hasn't gotten any easier since then.
Each night I say goodnight to the sky...and soak my pillow in tears
It pains me to think...I will never see you walk down the aisle as a bride
You are made of stars
You are unrepeatable
You are immortal
You are a child of the universe
Thank you for being.
I believe in you. You are safe in my heart. I love you and I hope I make you proud.
I feel pressured by everyone to blot you out of creation....like you never happened. But you did.
We all hurt without you.
Why can't anyone say your name? Angel was here.
Death ends a body, not a relationship. All life is eternal...it is an angel's promise.
I know you will come find me in my last hour to take me home. Until then.
Angel Eternity Stewart - 11-08-2011

***Adapted from Jackie's tribute for Oscar

Tattoos for Angel - on her due date

Today, Jeff and I got our butterfly tattoos for a baby girl Angel.  When we lost her, we decided to make the butterfly a symbol for her. It is etched on her urn, and we did a butterfly release at her memorial.  
Here is mine...cute and girly


Here is Jeff's.

We feel good doing this on her due date.  It makes us feel like she is really a part of us now. We love you and miss you Angel!

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others’ eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have walked in these shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything

-Author Unknown

Recognition for Angel - from family & friends

We have so many family and friends that have sent us cards and/or gifts for Angel and notices of donations in her name. I wanted to take a photo and save it here on this blog so we will always remember the support we received.  We appreciate it very much.

Here is a close up of some of the gifts we have received.

This lovely plant was sent to us from coworkers...it is nice to have something growing in our house to remind us of Angel.

Also, our neighbour planted a tree for Angel in her yard.