No easy fix

Unless you have lost a child, you may never understand what Jeff and I are going through.  And that’s okay.  I would never want other people in my life to experience this. 

I know our friends and family want to fix this for us.  They want to make us better.  If only it were that easy.  The reality is our daughter died and you can’t bring her back.  Our grief is not like a sickness though.  We can’t be “healed” and we don’t “get better” with each day that passes.  We will always miss our daughter and can’t replace her.  We can only learn to live without her and try to cope.  We can try to get better at coping.

Please know that we don’t want to feel this pain.  We are not hanging on to our grief.  Most times, it is out of our control.  There is a lyric in a song that says “Change this feeling under my feet.”  I wish I could do that – that it were that easy.

Sometimes I feel like others are getting impatient or frustrated with my grief or with the “new me.”  I don’t know how to deal with that reaction.  It only adds to the complexity and burden of emotions I carry.    I suppose I have been selfish in this process and am taking care of me first.   I don’t know how long I need to do this, but I do know I need to do it.  I hope that others can understand and be patient and not give up.

Take this broken heart

Sometimes I wish I could give this broken heart away.  Even if it was just for a day here and there, and then take it back.  It is not like I will ever forget Angel, and that is not what I mean - I just long for some relief from the heaviness. 

Grieving Mothers

Always on my mind

I got an email from someone last week who I don't see very often and I correspond with once every couple of months.  What meant so much to me is in the email they mentioned Angel, said that they had her pin that we handed out at her memorial and that they felt she was protecting them on their travels.  I can't reiterate enough, how much this sort of thing means to me.  If Angel is popping into their heads 6 months later and prompted them to tell me so - well I think it means that they "get it."

If they are thinking about Angel at random times 6 months later, how much more do you think she is still on my mind? 

Be mindful as the days and months march on for a grieving friend – their loss is in no way over for them. Angel is always on our minds.  Mentioning her to me shows you care and makes me feel less isolated with it all.  Not mentioning her makes me think you have forgotten her existence and that you don’t care.

 

Wishes of a babyloss mom

      This was posted on SOBBS the other day and I wanted to share it here.  I can relate to so many of these wishes.

            1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. Some days I'll be jealous and others it will give me hope.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Angel is watching out for us

There are incidents that have happened since the loss where I feel like Angel might be protecting us.

A couple of weeks after we lost Angel, Jeff got into a major car accident.  A driver cut out in front of him when he had the right of way, and it was a significant crash. The other driver went to the hospital, along with the pedestrian she hit.  Jeff’s front of the car was completely totalled and he could not even open the doors to get out.  However, he walked away without a scratch.  The pedestrian had a broken arm and leg, and the other driver was eventually charged with careless driving.  Jeff had our Angel on his shoulder and I choose to think she protected him from further harm.  When I heard Jeff got in that accident my first reaction was disbelief and anger – was God really trying to take him away too?  But then I thought about it, and I realized that he made it out safely and there was a reason for that.  Something was behind it.

I had another close encounter but not quite a serious, last week. I was walking down the street to get some lunch with my colleague and was about to step off the curb to cross, when a person on a bike zoomed right by me, going the wrong way on a one way street – he passed by me at a good speed, maybe 30-40 km/hour and brushed so close to me, literally within an inch of my face.  My colleague and I jumped back in shock and she said something about my life flashing before my eyes.  It definitely was surprising but as I continued walking I laughed and thanked Angel for watching out for me. 

I choose to think Angel is in a place where she can see our futures play out and she is guiding and protecting us always. And I trust in that.

Valentine's day

One year ago today, I had a 6 week ultrasound that confirmed my daughter was growing and her heart was beating.  One year ago today, I remember saying it was "true love."

"Love is a gift. It makes you feel richer, deeper and brighter.  When a loved one is gone, taken, it feels like the gift is gone. Remember that you are a different person because of their love.  You would be another you if their soul hadn't graced your life.  Although you long for their physical form, remember that the gift - their love - remains with you now and forever."

6 months

Dear Angel

Today is 6 months since you were born and I held you in my arms.  In a way, I can’t believe it has been 6 months.  6 months seems like a big milestone.  I hate that I am getting further and further away from you.  Your grandma showed me pictures from when I was a baby, and I held one of me when I was about 6 months old next to your picture. I think we had the same forehead and same eyes.  You had daddy’s nose though and probably his mouth too.  Seeing those picture makes me miss you even more.  It makes me think about how you would have looked as you grew.  It reminds me of all we have lost without you here. Your daddy and I miss you, every single day.  You are always in our minds and in our hearts. 

One of my friends shared this poem with me and I wanted to post it here for you Angel.

The Cord

We are connected

My child and I, by an invisible cord

Not seen by the eye

It’s not like the cord

That connects us ‘til birth

This cord can’t been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that its there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can’t be destroyed

It can’t be denied.

It’s stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight

And though you are gone,

Though you’re not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised…I am sore

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can’t take it away!

Author Unknown

Our hearts are broken.  The hole that Angel created in our hearts when she left us can never be filled by someone or something else.    Some days our hearts are full and happy and we find some peace in between the bleaker days of grief.  Some days it hurts as badly as it did when we first found out Angel was gone.  I have met other moms that tell me this is true even years out from the loss.   How do people carry this burden their whole lives? 

The hard part for me is to articulate to others that yes I am “ok” and can function, and can have some good days and happy moments, and on the outside I may look “normal.”  But on the inside, there is permanent damage that I am not sure can ever be “healed.” 

 

Paying it forward 6 months later

6 months ago today, August 10th, I walked in for a regular midwife's appointment and my whole world came crashing down. I still have flashbacks to August 10th alot.  I wish I didn't. I wish I could forget it, and erase it from memory.

6 months ago today, I was given a package of materials at the hospital about perinatal loss, while I was waiting to be induced and give birth to Angel.  Inside that package was a brochure from PBSO - Perinatal Bereavement Services of Ontario.  It took me over a month, but I eventually went to one of their bereavement group sessions and met other women and men that had also recently lost their baby.   Although I didn't spend a great deal of time with that group, it helped me in those early weeks of loss.  Jeff & I met other people that were dealing with the same challenges and had alot of the same feelings as us. It made us feel less crazy.  I made friends with two women in the community and those friendships continue to grow. 

And today, I decided to make a donation to PBSO in Angel's name, to acknowledge and remember her, and to hopefully provide some support to an organization that is incredibly poor and relies quite a bit on fundraising and volunteer support.  When Jeff and I lost Angel, we had asked people to donate in her name, and a great deal of support was given to the hospital and to children's charities.  I am so thankful for that support and I know other children will be helped through those donations.  PBSO helps moms and dads live with the aftermath of this tragedy and speaking from experience, we need that help.  Remembering the shock, trauma and heartache I faced 6 months ago today, I felt it was appropriate to give back and try to help another mom and dad in need.  I hope that in some small way, this is paying it forward to someone else who needs PBSO's support.

A letter from a child to their grieving parents

This letter was posted on Grieving Mothers on facebook, and I wanted to share it here....I often wonder what Angel would say to us if given the chance.
____________

Mom, Dad, it’s me. I’m still here. I know it’s hard to believe sometimes or understand in the way I try to show you, but I’m still me.

I hear you talk to me several times a day. When you hear nothing back, or you say I don’t answer, that doesn’t mean I’m not right there next to you, smiling. I smile because I know things you won’t know until the day I reach my hands out to you and we’re together again in a more familiar way. In the meantime, I will keep trying to show you I’m okay and still around.

If a friend or relative calls to tell you they got a sign or had a dream of me, please know that I tried to reach you first but the line was busy, or full of pain. When you quiet your mind and learn to clear the clutter, I can get through better.

Tell my brother’s and sister’s to live for me, and do things to make me proud. If they don’t want to talk about me, it’s just that the pain is too much to bear so they bury it to survive. Let everyone in the family grieve in their own way.

Try to laugh again and get out of the house. When you can do that, it sends waves of love through my being. Let go of unwanted and useless feelings like guilt, anger and fear. I can’t break through those.

Here’s how I let you know I’m not dead; just different: I’m the butterfly that dances around you as you walk. I make rainbows appear even when there is no rain; I made that red dragonfly land on you as you thought of me. The hawk sat perched outside your kitchen window and then swooped down as you stood on the deck or in the car. I keep making my song come on and you know it’s me. I stand beside your bed and brush my hand against your face. I sent a text or phone message after I passed-yup, I’m amazing. I can do things you can’t wrap you’re brain around.

You saw my face in someone else-it’s called transfiguration. I was the old guy who smiled at you or the strange woman who asked you a poignant question. The woman in the mall called out to her son…it was my name. I saw you get the tattoo, and I can’t believe my sister got one too. Mom always hated tattoos…now she has one. Dad, you taught me so much. I didn’t get the chance to thank you so I’m doing it now.

It’s never too late to say I love you. Hug my siblings and do things that are out of character for you. Mom and Dad, my siblings think they lost me and you. The best gift you can give me is that you will promise to live for me and I will live through you…you will see me again one day, but until then, LIVE, LAUGH, and celebrate my memory.

We are so much more than this physical vehicle that drives us around for awhile. Lift your head up and run around the bases, sliding into home, into my arms. I’m not dead; I’m just different.--Maureen Hancock

What I grieve for

While ultimately I grieve for Angel and her life that we have lost - her presence in our lives that is now gone….I grieve for many things. 

This may be surprising, but not only have I lost Angel but I have lost friends (or for some - they may not be “gone” but relationships have changed), I have lost faith, and my sense of who I am in the world. I grieve for how strong I used to feel. I grieve for the hope I had. 

I saw another woman walking down the street just smiling to herself the other day and I looked at her and felt distanced from her happiness.  It is hard to come to terms with all the changes that I am going through.  As time goes on, I am learning to accept these changes, however some parts are easier to accept than others. 

A Poem for our babies gone too soon

I am borrowing this poem from Dana's blog.  It is so beautiful, and reminds me to try to live in the present and enjoy life's gifts, to know that I carry Angel with me every day, in every moment -- it is important to remember all of this, even though part of my heart is always somewhere else.

 

_________

 

I heard your voice in the wind today

and I turned to see your face;

The warmth of the wind caressed me

as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today

as its warmth filled the sky;

I closed my eyes for your embrace

and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane

as I watched the falling rain;

It seemed as each raindrop fell

it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today

it made me feel complete;

You may have died…but you are not gone

you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines…

the wind blows…

the rain falls…

You will live on inside of me forever

for that is all my heart knows.

(unknown)

 

 

Find your anchors

People who understand what going through this loss is like are a treasure.  One of the best things I would advise a fellow babyloss mom of is surround yourself with a support team, stay close to them and talk about your feelings with them.  With some exceptions, your support team will usually be people who have also had a baby die too soon.  You may also be able to call on dear friends or a counsellor, or family members. But you do need to surround yourself with others that have faced this journey.

One of the best ways you can take care of yourself is to talk to these people and not try to get understanding from people who don’t understand. There is an old saying “Don’t go to a dry well for water.” It is important to remember this and protect your feelings.  Sometimes you will go to people that you think will be there and they can't.  Alternatively though, sometimes the people you least expect support from are there.   I think I made the mistake in the early days of the loss, to try to get things from people that could simply not give it.  I would look to people for support, compassion, understanding – when really all they could do was distance themselves from Jeff & I – probably from fear or uncertainty.   You feel let down and even pulled further down in grief when this happens.  But try to step back and realize that some people in your life will not be able to be there in the way you need. Find others that can fill that void.

You learn to find the right people that can be your anchors.  You will find the right people to walk alongside you in your sorrow.

Anchors can help you stay on track to positively work through your grief.  Choose your anchor, firmly set it, and do not let it go.  Call up the picture of your anchor, or literally call them up, when grief knocks you down.  This support system that you build will become invaluable.

If you are a fellow babyloss mom, and you are reading this post, and you don’t have an anchor right now – I can be one for you.  Just reach out to me and let me know.