6 months

Dear Angel

Today is 6 months since you were born and I held you in my arms.  In a way, I can’t believe it has been 6 months.  6 months seems like a big milestone.  I hate that I am getting further and further away from you.  Your grandma showed me pictures from when I was a baby, and I held one of me when I was about 6 months old next to your picture. I think we had the same forehead and same eyes.  You had daddy’s nose though and probably his mouth too.  Seeing those picture makes me miss you even more.  It makes me think about how you would have looked as you grew.  It reminds me of all we have lost without you here. Your daddy and I miss you, every single day.  You are always in our minds and in our hearts. 

One of my friends shared this poem with me and I wanted to post it here for you Angel.

The Cord

We are connected

My child and I, by an invisible cord

Not seen by the eye

It’s not like the cord

That connects us ‘til birth

This cord can’t been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that its there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can’t be destroyed

It can’t be denied.

It’s stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight

And though you are gone,

Though you’re not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised…I am sore

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can’t take it away!

Author Unknown

Our hearts are broken.  The hole that Angel created in our hearts when she left us can never be filled by someone or something else.    Some days our hearts are full and happy and we find some peace in between the bleaker days of grief.  Some days it hurts as badly as it did when we first found out Angel was gone.  I have met other moms that tell me this is true even years out from the loss.   How do people carry this burden their whole lives? 

The hard part for me is to articulate to others that yes I am “ok” and can function, and can have some good days and happy moments, and on the outside I may look “normal.”  But on the inside, there is permanent damage that I am not sure can ever be “healed.”