Sunday, 21 June 2015
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
Choosing your breath: mind control
In the beginning I had no control over my thoughts and emotions. I was a soul strickened and couldn't do anything other than lean into the grief and be totally engulfed in it. It would take over in the most inappropriate places, in the airport when I saw a little girl and her parents, a few weeks after she died, at our cousins wedding 2 months in when we were asked how we were....on and on I had so many moments like this that were raw and genuine but often embarrassing and difficult.
Mind control came with time. Eventually I could act normal in difficult circumstances, although at first it was completely exhausting. I clearly remember a lunch with friends a few months after she died and after an hour or two being completely drained from listening to the discussions of their kids and daycare stories and everything else. I never thought it would be easier but just like working a muscle it slowly did. I could control triggers better and the flashbacks didn't cause uncontrollable sobbing, maybe just a well of tears that I could compose again.
I am stronger and smarter now and I do take care of myself first if I need to, and not put myself in situations that would be incredibly difficult. I have opened up the dialogue with those close friends that want to see the full me and will be authentic with me.
The truth is the grief doesn't get easier, you just gather the strength and endurance to manage it more effectively.
You learn to manage grief in all its glory. 
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Choosing your breath: the endless search
Like Francesca said, I searched constantly for signs of Angel right after she died. I looked for her in the sunsets, in the little birds and butterflies that came to wink at me like it was her just saying hello, in the eyes of other children, when a song came on the radio that reminded me of her. In the beginning I needed things around me that reminded me of her, and I often created things for her, like little pieces of art, a prayer flag... I collected things like Angels and her molly bear. Her special spot still remains in our bedroom where we have her urn and footprints and a few momentos. I still often wear the angel wing necklace a friend got me around my neck.
I am searching less for her these days but more for my own meaning and contentment. I want her spirit to feel free and I also want to feel less burdoned by the searching for her.
Instead of asking the universe why she is gone and clinging to sorrow, I am working on letting go.
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