All I want for Christmas

Deafening Silence

http://www.viewster.com/movie/1286-18887-000/deafening-silence/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=voff4
This video was shared on facebook yesterday - it is s short documentary on stillbirth.  So very emotional but very well done.  It brought alot of my own memories and feelings to the surface.

Receive

One of the things I struggle with even now, three years later, is holding on to the difficult emotional baggage. The fear, the guilt, the shame, the deep sadness that comes to the surface from time to time. I think a lifetime of therapy wouldn't eliminate it fully. But I saw a technique/exercise that really resonated with me and could be a tool for others to bring in positive energy.

Take your hands and hold them out in front of you in two clenched fists. Close your eyes and think about whatever emotionally destructive feelings or thoughts or stressors that you are holding on to. Think about how freeing it would be to just let these go. Slowly open your fists and feel all of the negatively be released. Hold your open palms out in front of you -- you are now in a position to receive what you need or want. Be open to receive. You are worthy.

Doing this exercise makes me want to speak to Angel -- to reach out to her for guidance and with hope.

I loved the way she survived

a little piece of heaven

There is a section of the trail near my house that makes me think of heaven. It is so peaceful and beautiful with the sun coming through the trees ever so softly. 

I know there is another dimension other than this life and this earth. I don't take a day for granted here but if this is what heaven is really like, there is no need to fear death. Only more joy and peace awaits us, along with a reunion with our loved ones.

3 years ❤️❤️❤️

Happy 3rd birthday in heaven, Angel.

Missing you always, and especially at this time of year.

I hope you know we love you so much and think of you all the time, even though I don't write here as often. I hope you know how precious you are and how close we hold you in our memory.

We will never forget the gifts you have given us, Angel.  You have changed our lives forever and I treasure that always.

A birthday wish from Owen and his little brother Hudson. Thanks for sending this Shannon.

Tears

Well the tears are just beneath the surface in anticipation of Angel's third birthday.

Thought it would be easier this year but a lot of feelings and memories are coming back. 

Oh August

August you have crept up on me. How is it possible that 3 years have passed...I can't really wrap my head around it. I have been distracted and also happily so with taking care of Mimi and starting a new job. All of a sudden Angel's birthday is just around the corner.

A professional coach I worked with at my last job made a fleeting comment to me that our lives process and change in a three year cycle. Meaning that if you have a major life change it can take that period of time to adjust and look ahead. I think in terms of my grief it rings true. I feel quite different than I did at her 2nd birthday. I feel some acceptance and I can focus on being happy in general. This does not mean that I don't think of her all the time and I will always wonder what might have been. I am triggered from time to time and my heart will always long for her. But I have found some sense of peace and sunshine after the storm. 

Angel's garden 2014

Despite a hard winter, Angel's garden is thriving for the most part. The butterfly bush did not bloom this year and it may be because of heavy snow or I didn't cut it back enough in the spring. I am sad about that, but I will see it if might come back next year. 

One month countdown to her third birthday in heaven. I have been having random flashbacks out of the blue. I guess my subconscious knows what time of year it is. Missing her today and every day.

Panic

We spent the weekend in Ottawa and Mimi has a great time running around my brother's fully fenced backyard. Well on Sunday night we were sitting on the deck and after a few minutes of realizing Mimi hadn't run back over to us I said "where's Mimi." I started calling for her and checked to see if she was let back in to the house and I didn't realize. We all started searching the backyard using our phone flashlights, and then the path behind the house, in front of the house, the whole house. As I am looking and calling I started to get panicked. I felt a lot of the same fear from when we lost Angel, where you gut gets in knots and the fear creates tingles up your back and neck. As I was walking down the path calling her I also was speaking to Angel and asked her to help me find her. Or bring her back. Finally, probably 10 minutes later (felt like an hour) she came running up at me from who knows where at the front of the house. I was so relieved! I don't know what I would do if she got hurt or lost. My head was thinking that a coyote got her in the forest behind my brothers house. The most I can gather is she got out under the fence to the neighbors but then had to find or dig her way back out. 

The experience brought back some feelings about losing Angel. The panic and fear was similar. I am just thankful the outcome was a positive one and Mimi is ok. Here she is all peaceful beside me after her little adventure. 

True friend

I was reminded this week that I have such good and true friends who do remember Angel with me.

My girlfriend said to me the other night that Angel's life meant something to her, that she will always a be remembered, that it wasn't my fault and that I am a good mother. 

Those are probably the most important four things anyone could say to me and I am so happy to have that kind of support.

She also said that she sees me as a survivor and that I am successful at coping and moving forward because I am grateful. For Angel's life and for all that life  (still) has to offer.

I am happy to have people in my life that get it.  And they help me remember her, and all the gifts she has given to me and to many people in my circle. 

Stronger

This past weekend Jeff and I travelled with his 6 month pregnant cousin and husband -- I was not really sure how it would go for me but I am so glad that I was able to go and have a good time and not let Angel's death completely rule my emotions. Of course I had a few moments of inner cringing based on the conversations that popped up here and there but I am definetly stronger than I was almost 3 years ago and I feel like I can face almost anything, with Jeff's support. 

I think Angel would be proud of her mama :)

She lives on

I was contacted yesterday by Erin, the woman who received the memory box we donated to st joes for Angel's 2nd birthday. Her son Carter was stillborn at 40 weeks in February. My heart breaks for her and her husband.... Nothing prepares you for this type of loss and the early days are like an abyss of pain and sorrow.  She said that my letter helped though and I am so glad if it made just a little bit of difference.

Angel's memory lives on in these small acts and it means so much that her life in some way brings meaning to this world. Missing you now and always.

Not everyone gets their rainbow

I wanted to share this article as it really resonated with me. Sometimes all you can do is try to find healing within yourself. It is a different kind of challenge to manage on top of the grief.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/everyone-gets-rainbow/