2012

A year of pain and alot of darkness for me. Wearing a cloak of sadness that in most times was difficult to shrug off. The pain follows me as she does, in my waking moments and in my dreams. The pain of what was and what was meant to be.
I am weary of it all. I am sure others are weary of me. At times it is a very lonely place to be.

And yet. She lives on.

I watch her grow in the garden we built. She speaks to me through the art I make for her. Through mediums. Through butterflies that visit us, that land on our skin. She inspires me to reach out to other women. She influences me through new friends. I connect with others that I never would have without her here. She opens up a new spirituality that I wasn't earlier aware of. She is my greatest struggle of my life. She is my love. She pulls me through some of the darkest days I have ever known. She makes me want to be a stronger person. She encourages my endurance.

2012 was a difficult year. I can't say I am sad to see it gone. I want to let it go. I want to burn it up like a piece of paper that disappears into beautiful sparks and ash.

I know despite everything I feel I am leaping over the final hurdle of this year, a year that in many ways I would rather not reminisce about.

In 2013, I will to continue to move forward. Not forgetting but believing that I can have happiness.

A glimpse of heaven

I see her as a 4 year old girl, with wavy blond hair, an ethereal dress, a crown of wildflowers on her little head.

She is in a field, filled with these wildflowers, and long grass, and blinding sunlight.

She runs, she plays, she stops, she plays.  She runs to and from my nona who is also in the field.  She plays with other lost children.

She sees me and I catch my breath.  She hands me a bouquet of wildflowers and then runs along, away from me, saying as she goes "mommy I love you..."

For a brief moment I feel close to her.

She blows me a kiss and is gone.

What Christmas means to me now

I used to love Christmas. Since losing Angel it just isn't the same. Another blm blogger said it best when she said that Christmas is in the top 3 most painful days for those of us that have lost their babies, probably third after their birthday and Mother's Day. If you think about it, it makes sense that the most important days with your child would be some of the most painful after a loss. The loss is amplified for me, as I feel her absence and wonder what it would have been like to spoil my 15 month old daughter this year. To have her picture with Santa.

I have no desire to acknowledge the day or to put on a happy face for others. My reaction to hearing Christmas carols is a pit in my stomach.

What is important to me is that Jeff and I get through it together and cope as best as we know how. This is our deal to get through and I don't expect others to understand or even show sympathy. I know sadness makes other people uncomfortable so why make them acknowledge it.

What a grieving parent needs is space and understanding. And if you want to remember their child with them this holiday season, with a special ornament or a donation in their name, by lighting a candle or just a text saying you are thinking of their child, it really goes a long way.

This past week I received a special ornament from my mom, and my aunt made a donation for Angel. I appreciate their consideration so much.

This unforgiving world

The tragedy that occurred in Connecticut yesterday reaffirmed to me how unforgiving, unfair and unpredictable this world can be.
Innocent human beings killed. My heart hurts for the families of the victims as they reel in shock and have to pick up the pieces. How do you even do it?
It is incredibly devastating. And it can lead all of us to retreat into hiding, to live in constant fear of what might face us "out there."
I know after my loss I sometimes become overwhelmed with thinking how things can change in an instant. When I say goodbye to Jeff most mornings I be sure to say "I love you" because part of me thinks - what if this is the last time?
The only thing we can do is continue to live our lives with love and faith in the universe. Hug your children, your loved ones, and don't take a moment for granted.

Angel's ornaments

I am not really excited for the holidays but I did put the tree up this year and I hung all of Angel's ornaments front and centre. I like looking at them, so all in all I feel like I made the right decision to display them on the tree this year. I am remembering her and missing her this holiday season.

Love

At the service on Monday the priest said something that resonated with me. He talked about the choice we have in moving forward after the death of our loved one. We can be sad, angry, bitter and perhaps close ourself off. Or, we can move forward with love. The love that we felt for and with our loved one. We can keep them alive here by demonstrating that love in our daily life.
This can be easier said than done some days but I really do appreciate the message and want to try to act on it.
I received a reminder this week of how much love I have in my life. My friend Jen sent me this angel as a reminder that not only is my daughter always here with me, but so are my family and friends to help carry me along the way.
I love this piece. I will carry it with me.

Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

A thousand years

I was driving home one night this week and I heard this song on the radio for the first time.  This is the song Shannon used to make Angel's video for her first birthday.  It came on at a perfect moment, as I was thinking of her and talking to her a bit.  I will always associate this song with her. 


"A Thousand Years"

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

I know the pain all too well

An extended family member passed away suddenly this week. A cousin, a son.   I cry for the family, for the parents especially. I've had a ton of flashbacks this week to the when we lost Angel, what we felt in those first few hours and days, making the arrangements, visiting with her at the funeral home, her service of remembrance.  This death has brought to the surface alot of those feelings and memories for me.  I am trying to rack my brain of how I can help the family - what would I have wanted that would have helped so early on.  I know they are likely in shock and will be for some time.

Jeff and I are going to the visitation and funeral Sunday and Monday.  I am a bit nervous about it. I know the emotions will keep flowing for me. I know the pain of this family all too well.

I also know this isn't about me or about Angel though.  This is about another young person, someone's child, that has left this earth much too soon.  His soul has joined Angel's on the other side.

Parenting decisions & a lone rose

Last weekend I did a major cleanup of Angel's garden for fall. Part of me felt bad cutting back all of the plants...I am not sure why but it made me bit sad knowing the season of bloom was officially over. I was also worried about how to protect Angel's plaque for the winter. If something happened to damage it I would be beyond upset. I talked it over with Jeff about what to do, and we worked together to cover her plaque as best we could.
And it occurred to me, this is the closest thing to a parenting decision that Jeff and I get to do right now. How can we best protect her, her memory and her keepsakes. I will never get to make normal parenting decisions for her, like how to dress her, what kind of routine should I establish, what daycare or school should she go to, what toys should I buy her for her first birthday.
To date my decisions have revolved around what urn to buy her, what kind of funeral should she have, how can I continue to remember and honour her, how can I help others through this loss, how can I pay it forward on her first birthday.
I feel so robbed. Still.
I keep waiting for it to hurt less. I wonder when I won't feel the sharp pain in my heart for her.
As I worked in the garden there was one lone rose in bloom. I find some comfort in its determination. Continuing to grow and flourish despite its environment. I suppose that is what I also need to work towards.

Angel Signs

"Most people believe our children leave "signs" for us to know that they are okay. Seeing those signs help us to keep our sanity. When we know our child is okay -- even in death -- then we can hold fast to the hope that we will be reunited with our child once again in eternity. Look for YOUR signs -- they are there! Watch for the robin in the snow, the sunshine while it's raining, the note appear from nowhere, the missing sock found laying on your bed. Your "sign" will become your peace!"

Yesterday I feel like Angel sent both Jeff and I signs that she was there.

I was at my brother in laws, standing near the door with my keys in my hand. My niece Mya who is 4, grabs Angel's heart keychain and says "I like your heart!" I reply "I know, it's pretty isn't it?" She turns it over in her hand and says "oh and it has a butterfly on it too!" Mya's mom says, "that's for your cousin Angel, remember we talked about her with you?" Mya..."yeah..."
I looked down to hide my eyes welling with tears.
It means a lot that Amanda spoke to Mya about Angel. I also believe this whole dialogue happened to let me know. Was it an Angel sign? I'd like to think so.

Later that night, Mya also noticed Jeff's tattoo, and he asked her what she thought it was.
"A butterfly! They are my favourite!"

Wall tiles

Last night Jackie hosted another face to face meet and we made wall tiles. Here is a photo of the groups work and the two I did for Angel. My baby girl continues to inspire me!

The wall

The wall exists
In our grandparents house
A tribute wall
To all their great grandchildren
All but one, the one that is missing and not discussed
Photos line the wall, with a picture of each at different ages and milestones
Seeing it there my wounds are wripped open
Again I ask myself, why couldn't she be there too?
Instead, her card from her funeral tucked away in another room
Hold back the tears, don't show the hurt, don't ruin the visit
Does anyone else realize she is missing and how much it hurts my heart?

Authentic conversations

Last weekend we had a get together at our house, with Jeff's family.  Sometimes I wonder if people get uncomfortable seeing Angel's urn and prints in the living room when we have a party, I wonder if they think it is strange or have any other kinds of judgements about it.  I don't care what they think and I wouldn't put her things away to please other people but I am just curious. Before this happened, maybe I would have thought it was creepy or weird, or clingy.   Now, I feel like I can't just banish her stuff to a closet or something.

Not many people in the family talk to me about her anymore, but one of Jeff's cousins usually does. She also had a loss so maybe that's why. Anyways, she told me how she thinks about Jeff and I all the time still and wonders how we are doing. She was worried about me when we had that big family event a few weeks ago, and she said she knew how hard it must have been to be around the kids. 

I really appreciate that there are people in my life that still think about Angel and will talk to me.  It is so rare now.  Although there is a disclaimer on that too, because if they want to talk to me in a way that passes judgement or what not, I'd rather they keep quiet!  It is just nice to know that she is thought about by people other than Jeff and I. It is also nice having authentic conversations about how we are really doing, if people are up for that.

No holiday from grief

As Halloween approaches, I am thinking of all the strings of holidays that are coming up that I have to face without Angel here.  Halloween, Christmas, New Years, my birthday....

 

At this point I am not too excited about any of it.  Frankly at this point I'd rather just skip them.  I ran across this article and it really rang true.  There is no holiday from grief and if anything holidays remind me she is not here.

____

 

No holiday from grief
by Robbie Miller Kaplan

The holidays are upon us and while many of us revel in the joy family traditions bring, for those grieving a loss, the holidays can hold little joy.

...

So what should we do for those we care about mourning a loss? Do we send cards? Buy gifts? Try to cheer them up?

For starters, it’s important to understand that grief is very individual and runs its own course. It’s not something anyone can control and the bereaved need to mourn their loss at their own pace and in their own time. Holidays are a particularly difficult time because absences are acutely felt and holidays, with established traditions, demonstrate how much life has changed.

One reader, whose family hosted a holiday meal for friends, continued the tradition the first year after his spouse’s death. But he found it too painful and accepted an invitation the next year, changing the way his family celebrated the holiday. Another reader who traditionally hosted the family holidays decided to leave town for the first holiday after her spouse’s death. Instead of taking care of the family with dinner and presents, she went to a spa and let someone take care of her. It gave her the space to recharge and rethink her role in her family and by the second year, she was ready to create new family traditions.

Your support, especially during the holidays, is important. While cards and gifts are thoughtful, your companionship might be the best gift of all. It’s helpful to initiate a discussion and ask the bereaved what traditional activities they’d like to participate in and what they might be comfortable doing. But only ask if you are willing to make changes to accommodate their feelings. They might like to stick with traditions or, they might like to create new ones. You’ll never know unless you ask.

Spoken word blog round-up TWO

I am excited to post my very first video blog, as part of my participation in the "Spoken Word Blog roundup Two" that Angie is doing at Still Life With Circles.

The idea is to read one of your blog posts, poems, or written word pieces aloud for a camera, post it, and link up with Angie and the other bloggers. So here goes!

My Molly bear

I don't think this post needs much description, the photos will say it all, but after waiting over a year I received my Molly bear on Friday. I love it. I can't explain it but to hold something that is roughly the same size and exact weight of Angel in my arms is so emotional, so precious and so bittersweet.
They have over 2000 bears waiting to be made right now. I plan to make a monetary donation to Molly bears, in Angel's memory.

October 15th

October 15th was international pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. All across the world at 7pm, parents lit candles for their babies gone too soon.

My friend Jackie helped organize a candlelight vigil at trillium hospital and it was a beautiful ceremony. The hospital staff spoke and read some poems. Jackie also gave an amazing speech. It was a good size group of us and there were parents there that were 2 months out from their loss and some that were 10 years out.

The father who lost his daughter 10 years ago spoke, and one thing he said was that he wished he had tried to talk about, and deal with his grief, earlier on. He said that he thought it would get easier as time passed but in fact for him it has gotten harder and he thought part of that was because he didn't deal with the grief.

Jackie also talked about in her speech that no matter how many years pass or how many other children she has, she will always cry for Oscar.

Hearing this just reinforces for me that this is in fact a life long journey. I am so glad that I have made dear friends to share this path with. We need the support and understanding. This is what these events are all about for me. A place to remember our sky babies.

After the formal parts of the ceremony were over they offered for all of us to come up and speak our child's names and I went up to say Angels name and birthday. I was worried I might not be able to get the words out but I did and it was a special moment. She was real and deserves to be remembered.

Another couple went up to speak about their daughter that was stillborn this past August and the father could barely speak without breaking down....my heart broke for them because I remember those early days. You are like the walking dead. It is hard to speak and express anything through the raw pain.

The hospital staff also gave out a small heart stone to each of us, a small token to hold on to, to remember our babies. I will carry it with me.

It was a special night and one I won't soon forget.

A Hungarian love song

Today we went to a party for Jeff's papa that turned 90. The whole family was there and the kiddies were running around.... All but one that is missing. These events are still hard for me. She is missing and it breaks my heart. I put on a strong face but the tears break through once I have some privacy to let it out. I feel like no one remembers and yet that everyone remembers. I feel like I have to act normal for the sake of the party and not ruin anyone's time. I feel that people look at me with pity or strangely when I play with or hold the kiddies. I feel on Display. The one who lost her baby.

At the same time I try to live in the moment and be present to try to enjoy the family time. I just miss her and wish she could be here.

Jeff's Ama read this poem to papa... It made me think of her....

No one loves you like I do
No one kisses you like I do
No one has waited for you
No one has asked for you
No one has loved you like I do

Every flower that blooms
Blooms from my love
And this love will last forever
Every song sings only of my love
Because how I love you
No one else can love you

Fall

Fall still makes me think of Angel. Probably because of her due date, and the early weeks of grief...I can't help but be taken back to last year at this time. It was a horrible time. In a lot of ways it was a string of days put together where I was just trying to make it through the day.
And yet here we are a year later and it still hurts. I can't make the pain go away entirely. I know I have come to terms but I still have moments of anger and sadness, I still wish things could be different.

I will hold you again

Triggers & a Shell

I get triggered by lots of things.  Some obvious and others are not quite so.  Last night I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and it was dealing with the aftermath of a plane crash.  People were hurt badly – physically, mentally and emotionally and were trying to come to terms.  I don’t know if it is PTSD or what but it left me feeling sad and uneasy. 

I am feeling a bit off this week and I think it has to do with thinking about this time last year, approaching Angel’s due date, getting our tattoos….I know I am a stronger person that I was last year at this time but I think I am hitting a rough patch.

Last night on the show, one of the lines struck me – one of the characters was talking about their wife and how they are a shell of who they use to be.  And that they wanted their wife back.  I immediately thought – am I like that too? I wonder how much of my pain is visible from the outside.   I wonder if people in my life see me a shell.  Or someone to keep their distance from.  Is my grief written all over my face sometimes?

I know being confronted with pain and grief is not easy.   The other day, I was going through my blog to find the quote my mom sent me about dying. A lady at work lost her brother suddenly, so I sent it to her.  She thanked me more than once for it – so I am happy I could touch her in some way.  But when I was going through the blog, back to those early days of grief, I started to feel uncomfortable and clicked quickly through so as not to read what I had posted. Isn’t that crazy? It was like I didn’t want to deal with that raw grief either – and I was the one who wrote it and felt it!  I think that person was a shell. 

I think I am not quite a shell these days but sometimes I feel like crawling into one still.

1 in 4

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
I know through my loss I have become more aware of how many people have lost their babies. I have heard stories from family and friends that never spoke of it before. Why are we ashamed? Lets break the silence and support one another. I am one in four.

Parallel Universe

Parallel Universe

I have thought to myself so many times over the past year, that I have entered into a parallel universe.

One where babies die and the world is a cold and fearful place. 

One where I huddle together with other babyloss moms and where I cry and laugh and create and heal.  

I didn’t ever think about this universe before or imagine there was such as thing, a community of babyloss parents, a subculture of society that has created a niche all on its own.

 

One with rituals and special dates and symbols and common sayings.  A place of spirituality and hope.  Hope for one day understanding why it all happened this way.

 

I wish I never had to walk into this universe.  But now that I am here, I thank our angels for showing the way.

 

 

An excerpt from Still Life with Circles:

I had this imaginary conversation with an imaginary person which is the conglomeration of a bunch of shit said to me by different people over the years when I tell people what I write about and do since my daughter died.

It must be sad to talk to so many grieving women.

No. It's not so sad. 

But isn't your grief enough?

My grief doesn't feel as bad when I'm talking to someone else about their grief. 

I don't understand. 

I have compassion for other grieving people. Their grief might get ugly, or mean, or angry, but it never seems unwarranted. Eventually, I forgive myself for my own ugly grief emotions. I develop compassion for myself.

But still, why keep talking about babies dying? Surely, you have forgiven yourself already. How can you listen to sad stories over and over? It seems depressing.

Forgiveness is not a sudden landing. It is a journey. I have to keep forgiving myself. The stories aren't sad to me. They are just birth stories, parenting stories, living stories. The story I hear is not about death. It is about how to live. But some people I know take breaks from the babylost stories to get through times when they need to focus on their own grief or joy.

See, that is what I mean.

Sometimes when you feel unlovable, you have to love someone else. I feel like I need to give back, because someone wrote about grief when they had three years, someone started a website, and wrote and made poetry and I cried and I missed a stranger's baby.

What do you get out of it, though?

Everything.

She is a grieving mother

I saw this on one of my loss groups, it was originally posted for Mother's Day but I wanted to share it here as it sums it up so perfectly...every day is a mix of sorrow, hope and love.

Some days I don't know how I hold it together. I think mainly I do lately because I am so focused on work and it is a blessing that I do like it, it keeps my mind active.

I know Angel wants me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn't mean I don't miss her still, every day.

She has made me stronger in a lot of ways but also much more sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I feel like I should wear a sign - "emotionally fragile - treat with care." Angel being here has broken me wide open.

I HAVE LEARNED - From Grieving Mothers

I HAVE LEARNED:


Tragedy does not come knocking on your door three days in advance to let you know when to expect him. So that you will know to be waiting on him. He comes within the very blink of an eye. In an instant; and he is never gentle about it.

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies. Grief is the weight in the chest, the churning in the gut, the physical pain in your heart and soul, and the unspeakable thoughts and feelings.

Mourning is the outward expression of grief. Mourning is crying, journaling, creating artwork, talking to others about the death, telling the story, speaking the unspeakable.


Everyone grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.


Time does NOT heal all wounds. This is not a wound....it is an amputation. "Loose an arm or a leg, and let me know how long it takes for it to grow back!" It won't!!

TIME only allows you the space needed to get used to living WITHOUT. It does not heal....and the mourning and the grief comes in tidal waves.

After a length of time, the days get somewhat better, you can maybe smile a little and eventually even laugh without feeling guilty. Never a day goes by you don't think of them, but then BBAAMM.................smell something they loved, hear a song, see a color, pass their favorite cereal at the grocery store..............just anything and the day is just bottomed out and it may last a few hours, days, or weeks from then. Suddenly it is like starting over again.

The second year of grief

I was thinking today about this time last year. Jeff and I were getting back from Jamaica and coming home felt like stepping back into a black hole. As the seasons change I feel another wave of emotion. I feel the sadness of moving farther away from her. I am also pulled back to the fall of last year and I recall how bleak those days were. A year later I am grateful that although I am not "better" I have a pretty solid toolbox of coping skills that I can draw on.

I also feel a sense of loneliness with the grief. Those that want to think about or talk about Angel with me, outside of the blm community, are few and far between.

I think if I had been in a tragic accident where I had lost my vision or a limb, or become disabled, perhaps people would continue to be reminded of how much inner strength it takes to continue to move forward. I would have that visible reminder that could be pointed to. As it is now, there isn't any outward reminder of my pain. It is a hidden heartbreak, an internal burden that I will always carry.

It jumps out and takes your breath away at times.

I was at a friends wedding last week and her daughter sang at the ceremony. Most of the guests teared up because it was such a touching moment. I teared up for that reason but also because it hit me then and there how I will never see Angel perform a song, either in a school concert, or at a special event like that, or even overhear her singing along to the radio in her room.

It hits me ever so often what Jeff and I have been robbed of. I think now we can cope somewhat better with knowing this, now there is a sense of acceptance, but at times the pain can feel so very raw.

This is the second year of grief. Still learning to live without her here.

Anger

Today I learned that a friend of mine who had previously lost her son at 37 weeks has now lost her rainbow, as she had a miscarriage.

Hearing news like this makes me angry, sad, frustrated, disheartened. The main emotion though is anger. Anger at the universe. Did my friend really need to lose another baby? Where is the fairness in that? Where is the karma? I do not understand.

I think my perspective on having babies has totally changed. I actually feel relief when I hear a baby makes it here safely, whereas in the past it was more of a blissful, ignorant expectation that of course they will.

My friend, I am so so sorry.

Why NOT me?

I have been slowly reading the book "a grace disguised: how the soul grows through loss". I read it slowly as it is a lot to take in and each chapter has so much depth and meaning for my own life. The book is written by a man who lost his mom, wife and daughter in a car accident - hit by a drunk driver.

The chapter I recently read is called why not me. I know a question I have asked myself often is why me. Maybe my friends and family have asked the same thing when they heard about my loss. It is a tragedy and terrible injustice that has occurred. It is an example though of how none of us are really safe. Loss deprives us of control.

Losing Angel has introduced Jeff and I to a fellowship of suffering that spans the world. A side of life many people in the world know all too well.

The author talks about how despite his tragedy he hardly qualifies to be part of the fellowship. I relate to what he says. Jeff and I have a blessed life, we have a happy, secure and prosperous life, that was interrupted by our loss. Despite our loss, we live a life full of comfort, in a good community, with loving family and friends. We have good jobs and can travel the world and are free to pursue our interests. That is more than many can say.

Can we really expect to live an entire lifetime without disappointment and suffering? Is this expectation unrealistic and perhaps even arrogant?

We didn't deserve to lose Angel. But do we deserve all we have still?
We have undeserved pain and undeserved grace.

Missing her

Seeing this today, made me think of Angel. This is how I picture her spirit, coming to visit her garden. <3
Missing her today and every day.

Mom and Dad - I am ok

I truly believe Angel would want us to move forward with our lives. Not leaving her behind, but carrying her spirit in our hearts while we continue to put one foot in front of the other.
If she had the chance I know that is what she would tell us.

A prayer flag

Last Friday I went to a face to face meet and we made prayer flags for our babies. I love doing these creative projects as it helps me with my grief. It also benefits me to be around other babyloss moms and talk about how we are doing and coping. I feel so appreciative of the friendships I have made. I left the meeting with a really positive energy, and when I closed my eyes I kept seeing pink butterflies. It was good for my soul.
Here is Angel's flag.

The call

Last night Jeff and I got "the call."  His coworker's friend lost her baby boy, Noah, on Monday of this week, at full term.  We were reached out to for advice and resources. 
I knew this would happen at some point, and I had thought maybe it would be from the hospital/memory box recipient, but all the same, I am glad that I can help someone else who is going through this heartbreaking experience.  Glad that I can be there but devastated for her and for the loss of her precious son. 

It took us back to the early days for sure.  Jeff told me as soon as I walked in the door.  At first I said "No" and was shocked really...then I went upstairs and saw Angel's picture and I just cried.   

 

I have to say, I did have to struggle a bit to try to put myself back in that place, 5 days after it happened.  What was I really thinking and feeling and what did I need most?  Although I have flashbacks to that time often, I know that I have overcome so much in this past year.  I feel strong enough to reach back and grab someone else's hand.   

I didn't want to overwhelm her with resources, but I sent her a few key things - online resources and face to face groups she could join.  I also sent her a letter from Little Bird, for moms and dads that have lost a baby, and I told her about my experience with individual counselling and how it could help her cope.  I also gave my contact info. I hope that she contacts me. 

Today is the funeral for Noah....fly high.....

Redondo Beach

Last night, Jeff discovered another Morrissey song that references a little girl...and angel....we listened to it and cried. 

It reminds me of  the first moments of grief, and the early days of heartache on the beach in Jamaica, looking for answers in the ocean....wondering about her setting sail to her afterlife.  And we are here, left behind.  She is gone.

Down by the ocean
It was so dismal
Women all standing
With shock on their faces
Sad description
Oh, I was looking for you

Everyone was singing
Girl is washed up
On Redondo Beach
And everyone is so sad
I was looking for you
Are you gone, gone?

Hey little girl
Everyone cried
How she was the victim of suicide
I was looking for you
Are you gone, gone?
Down by the ocean
It was so dismal
Women all standing
With shock on their faces
Sad description
Oh, I was looking for you

Desk clerk told me
A girl is washed up
Was small, an angel
With apple blond hair now
I was looking for you
Are you gone, gone?

Picked up my key
And I didn't reply
I just went into my room
And I started to cry
It was morning, angel
Are you gone, gone?

Down by the ocean
It was so dismal
I was just standing
With shock on my face though
The hearse pulled away
And the girl that had died it was you
You'll never return
Into my arms
You'll never return
Into my arms
You'll never return
Into my arms
'Cause you're gone, gone
Gone, gone
Gone, gone

It still hurts.  It always will.  We grieve for Angel every. single. day.

A link to share - Living Child Free

I debated about sharing this link here but I think it is important to talk about all aspects of babyloss and the life thereafter, and ensure this is an open discourse for women and men that come by my site.

Mrs. Spit posted about this link today, on “Living Child Free.”

http://mrsspit.ca/?page_id=3702

She talks about making the choice, about what this choice meant to her, finding a new path, and also responding to others when they question the choice.  She touches on loneliness, and support networks, and finding meaning as you move forward.   

I really loved her reference to the "mini-van mafia" - this had me laugh out loud.  But the most poignant thing I thought was when she says:

It’s never the job of another human to make you complete. Making yourself complete is your job.

I have to say, I really appreciate the honest and transparent perspective of someone who is walking this road.  I don’t know if this will be my choice, but if it is, and if it is the choice of some of you reading, I hope this article helps you find ways to cope, and allows you to find peace in your heart. 

26.8.11

One year ago today, we held our service of remembrance for Angel.  I remember alot about that day so clearly. 

We held it at James Gardens, the same park we had our wedding photos done at in 2003.  On the way over, I remember feeling like I was going to be sick to my stomach.  I think that was partly the shock of what we were about to do - and the turn of events I was still trying to come to terms with.  At the same time, I knew this was so important for us to give her a sendoff that we wanted, in her honour.

It was a perfect, sunny day and the park was so calm and beautiful.
I will never forget how many of our friends and family came out that day, to show their love and support.






Jeff and I wrote the service, and we tried to focus on our love for Angel and also what lessons we had learned from this experience.  I feel it was a message of love - for her and for everyone there - not to let a day go by without showing compassion for others on this Earth.
Jeff got up and spoke twice - once was a preplanned speech that he prepared, talking about what Angel has taught us.  The second time - the masters of ceremony left out a key story we wanted told near the end, so he stepped in and told it, without any notes.  I am so proud of his courage and strength that he showed that day. I know I didn't have the frame of mind to speak at that time.





At the end of the service, we did a butterfly release. 




One of the butterflies landed on the blanket I had brought, that I was sitting on earlier.







Driving home afterwards, with Angel's urn in my lap, I couldn't help but think that I should be holding her, not her urn. 

I shall remember you for as long
as there are fields of snow
and there are flowers in the ground
with strength to grow.

As long as there are stars above
and moonbeams on the sea,
and just as long as there are songs
of love and memory.

I shall remember you today
and dream of you tonight,
and look for you tomorrow when
the sun begins to light.

Whatever season, month or year,
this much will be the same,
the only sound of joy will be,
the mention of your name.

I shall remember you for as long
As there are earth and sky.
And all eternity
may take to say good bye.

~ James Metcalfe