Triggers & a Shell

I get triggered by lots of things.  Some obvious and others are not quite so.  Last night I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and it was dealing with the aftermath of a plane crash.  People were hurt badly – physically, mentally and emotionally and were trying to come to terms.  I don’t know if it is PTSD or what but it left me feeling sad and uneasy. 

I am feeling a bit off this week and I think it has to do with thinking about this time last year, approaching Angel’s due date, getting our tattoos….I know I am a stronger person that I was last year at this time but I think I am hitting a rough patch.

Last night on the show, one of the lines struck me – one of the characters was talking about their wife and how they are a shell of who they use to be.  And that they wanted their wife back.  I immediately thought – am I like that too? I wonder how much of my pain is visible from the outside.   I wonder if people in my life see me a shell.  Or someone to keep their distance from.  Is my grief written all over my face sometimes?

I know being confronted with pain and grief is not easy.   The other day, I was going through my blog to find the quote my mom sent me about dying. A lady at work lost her brother suddenly, so I sent it to her.  She thanked me more than once for it – so I am happy I could touch her in some way.  But when I was going through the blog, back to those early days of grief, I started to feel uncomfortable and clicked quickly through so as not to read what I had posted. Isn’t that crazy? It was like I didn’t want to deal with that raw grief either – and I was the one who wrote it and felt it!  I think that person was a shell. 

I think I am not quite a shell these days but sometimes I feel like crawling into one still.