Getting rid of the darkness

I fought to become her

Choosing your breath: remind yourself

Francesca is right that we all need self-care, and we need to reach out to and hold on to things that make us feel good again. Here are a few things I need to continue to remind myself to do, to stay in a good space and to feel centered. 

Carmen

A few days shy of your 40th birthday and you are gone.  

You knew me my whole life. Since we were little kids on Simonston Blvd and we used to have sleepovers and ride big wheels in the driveway. I moved to Ottawa but we stayed pretty close, taking road trips with the family and switching with Niel so we could be in the same car. Summers at blue mountain. That one summer I stayed with you for weeks and you introduced me to New kids on the block. You also put makeup on me to try to get me in to an AA14 movie.  I was fascinated by you and looked up to you, as my older and wiser cousin. 

Over the years we shared many holidays at Nona's, swimming in the pool and playing cards in the basement. Nona chasing us around the kitchen table with her slipper - we talked about that the last time I saw you. You also cried when you saw me wearing her necklace. I wore it for you, but maybe she made me do it somehow, to give you a sign that she was waiting and it would be ok.

When we were old enough we would take off after family dinners and go for rides in your thunderbird, acting all grown up at Just Desserts.  I loved driving around Toronto with you and was still fascinated by you because you were so grown up compared to me!!

We moved away from home together and went to Queens - me as the undergrad and you as a law student. So many fun times together in Kingston as young women. You were one of my confidants at that time and also always had my back. 

You were my travel partner to Europe for the first time and we walked the streets of Anzano, Rome, Venice, Naples and so many places together. One of my favorite memories was on the cruise ship when the captain bought us drinks at the bar! He was totally flirting with you. People were drawn to you.

You stood beside me at my wedding. We had that epic trip to Vegas before you married John, a trip I will never forget.  I know you loved Jeff and I know how special John was to you.

We were pregnant together. You reached out to me in love when Angel died.  Even though it was hard for both of us, we both tried to stay connected.

You were my blood, a person I loved deeply and never thought I would lose.

We both faced our own life crisis in different ways, and this brought us closer in the last year, when you opened up to me about the cancer. The conversations we had in recent past are some I will always treasure and never forget.  We reached a new spiritual connection, and I know you are at peace on the other side. You told me that when we die we go to God and become love. I know you are with Angel now and holding my daughter close - I promised to do the same for Maria here on earth.  

My cousin I love you and there are not enough words to really say all I am feeling about having to say goodbye -- until we meet again in the clouds. ❤️❤️❤️

Choosing your breath: when gratitude seems impossible

Jeff and I visited Jamaica recently and while we are away our beloved puppy went missing for 13 hours. It was an awful time, despite the fact that we were in one of our most favorite places on earth. A couple people said to us " don't let this ruin your vacation" and "try to enjoy yourselves".  In the moments of panic, fear and sadness it is pretty impossible for me to find happiness let alone gratitude. 

It reminded me a lot of the early hours of losing Angel - the loss of control and the fear that takes over your being.

Gratitude was impossible for a long time after she died.  With time, it did come though. I was able to shift my thoughts to what I still had in my life - my family, my friends, my health, my chance to live and define my experience.  I came to appreciate things much more again - the ocean, the quiet trail by my house, music and reading, spending time with people I love. Cuddling my puppy that brings me a lot of joy.

A dear friend to me told me her mantra is "where there is life there is hope". And that is the basic truth.

Horrific moments of grief will pass. You can find light and love again. Hold on to that and be grateful. 

Until I see in color again

Choosing your breath: fear and loss

As Francesca said, if anything has lingered in this life after loss, it is fear. Fear was one of the most paralyzingly feelings I felt and continue to feel since the day I lost her.   Rational or not, I know first hand how things change in a moment and I am often waiting for the other shoe to drop. I fear loss of others in my life, and it takes only a small thing to set my mind off - if Jeff isn't home when I expect, I immediately think he has been in an accident. If Mimi isn't at the window when we pull in the driveway, I feel the fear in my chest that something happened to her.

It is not easy controlling the fear. It is something I struggle with as I try to find peace of mind. 

Choosing your breath: everything is different

The quilt

One of my best friends mom made this beautiful quilt for me, in remembrance of Angel.

It was so unexpected and kind. The quilt, and the card and sentiment of it all, brought tears to my eyes. 

I will be hanging this in a special place in my home.

Choosing your breath: the lies grief tell us

I resonate a lot with what Francesca wrote on this topic. I could not see past the grief or my own hurt for a long long time. Even if friends and family had good intentions, I kept most people at arms length for fear of being misunderstood, hurt or triggered. 

I can see now that I did push people away for a long time. It was a coping mechanism and it did feel necessary. 

The problem is that if you do that long enough -- some people will stop trying. Stop reaching out, stop inviting you to the things you turn down.

In that way I do regret turning inward. But  it took time to build myself up again and get to a point where I could be open and trusting and have the strength to do things that used to trigger me so much.

Choosing your breath: grief is

Images and text that say it all for me...

Choosing your breath: The fear of forgetting

One of the struggles with grief from losing your child is not wanting to let go. Let go of the pain, of their memory, of the sadness - these are at first so intertwined that it is hard to let go of the soul wrenching pieces so you can heal.

This week's exercise is to write what you feel about the following:

I never....

I never want to forget the weight of her in my arms 

I never want to forget what I have learned from her life and loss- the awakening that has taken place in me

I never will feel the same pain I did for her - nothing in life could hurt me as badly

I wonder...

I wonder what she is doing on the other side. Is she happy? Is she safe? 

I wonder what she might have looked like and become, if she was here today

I wonder what is next and I am so thankful that I want to know that, that I have that desire to be here and live again

I wish...

I still wish I had her here - that will never change

I wish others could know how precious life is, and be grateful for every day

Choosing your breath: on being strong

I didn't do the application of this one but the topic does inspire me to write out my feelings.

Baby loss is one of those things that people do shudder to think about it and I am sure are grateful it is not happening to them.  In some ways I don't know how I made it through but when it comes down to it, your body keeps going through the motions, keeps breathing for you, keeps your heart pumping - when you don't know how to take another step. That carried me through in the early days.

The inner strength or resilience took ALOT longer. It took therapy and group supports and friendships with other beautiful loss moms. It took having Jeff to lean on. It took so much self reflection and a shift to being grateful for what I do have. It took letting go - of the guilt and the focus on what should have been. It took forgiveness. It took me taking small steps and then larger steps to live again for me. Just for me. The strong in me took years to build and it still a work in progress.  

Always

Not a victim but a survivor

A dear friend sent me this recently, she was reading and said the third paragraph reminded me of her.

Brings tears to my eyes but in a good way. It is important to acknowledge how far you have come! 

Choosing your breath-the loss of trust in yourself

This week's exercise was to do something ridiculously positive for yourself this week. Going through a stillbirth you definetly feel like your body has betrayed you and it is hard to learn to trust and love your body again, to let go of the feelings of guilt and shame and feel good again.

I love the message behind this week's application, as it is about self-care and finding a way to heal your soul again.

I had a perfect week for this on Crowe lake and was able to reconnect with nature, with Jeff, and with myself in such a peaceful setting.

Four years

As I type that title it is hard to believe four years have passed.

I read this quote the other day that said...

To those of you that roll your eyes and say you barely had them at all...how could we miss them so much in our hearts...

We have seen them live a thousand times...

We have seen their first steps, their first day of school, their weddings and their children. 

We have had them forever in our minds.

Angel would have been starting school this year and that's a milestone that is hard to ignore. So many moments that we've been cheated. My heart will always ache for her and miss her. 

To outsiders maybe I look as I did before - but I know the deep changes she has made to my heart and soul, and I live with her inside my heart as I search for a life with meaning - yet without her here.

Happy birthday Angel!

Choosing your breath - memories that haunt us

The exercise this week was about "blotting out" the memories that haunt us. Given Angel's birthday is only a couple days away, I have been having a lot of flashbacks to that fateful day, and it wasn't hard to put these down on paper.

I didn't have the tools Francesca suggested to do the blotting so I decided to light the paper on fire. It felt therapeutic to me, to burn those thoughts away. The thoughts of fear and despair. I'd rather focus on my love and remembrance of my daughter. Missing her so much. 

Donation for Angel

Angel is turning 4 in a few days - her heavenly birthday that is. She should have been starting school this year. My mom and I donated two backpacks, one for a girl and one for a boy, to children in need through my aunts church, in Angel's memory.

Shopping for these was definetly a trigger. But I did it. And although I sobbed in the car afterwards, I am holding on to the fact that this will help two little humans and make them very happy on the first day of school. 

Choosing your breath: healing words

The challenge this week was to write a haiku about my grief. I wrote two for my baby girl xxx

Falling off a mountain

Choosing your breath: secondary loss wheel

Losing my Angel led to so many other losses in my life, it was the stone in the water but there were endless ripples from the experience. I grieve for her and I grieve for all of the secondary losses that came with it. 

A photo that needs no description - oh my heart

Choosing your breath - a picture of grief

While I am not the best artist I decided to take a crack at illustrating my grief. I had to add the words in to articulate the peaks and valleys and the stages of grief. The sun represents hope to me, and the trees represent the trail, one of the places  I feel closest to my daughter and to nature and spirit. I would like to think I am getting closer and closer to the sun, and finding my peace in this life.

Choosing your breath: bottling it up

So many times over the years I have kept my grief secret and bottled it up. This exercise was about showing the feelings we often keep inside and what we project to the world more openly (or as self-protection). The visual representation and even the exercise of writing it out is powerful and healing. 

Happy Father's Day

For all the grieving fathers out there ❤️

Choosing your breath: mind control

In the beginning I had no control over my thoughts and emotions. I was a soul strickened and couldn't do anything other than lean into the grief and be totally engulfed in it.  It would take over in the most inappropriate places, in the airport when I saw a little girl and her parents, a few weeks after she died, at our cousins wedding 2 months in when we were asked how we were....on and on I had so many moments like this that were raw and genuine but often embarrassing and difficult.

Mind control came with time. Eventually I could act normal in difficult circumstances, although at first it was completely exhausting. I clearly remember a lunch with friends a few months after she died and after an hour or two being completely drained from listening to the discussions of their kids and daycare stories and everything else. I never thought it would be easier but just like working a muscle it slowly did. I could control triggers better and the flashbacks didn't cause uncontrollable sobbing, maybe just a well of tears that I could compose again.

I am stronger and smarter now and I do take care of myself first if I need to, and not put myself in situations that would be incredibly difficult.  I have opened up the dialogue with those close friends that want to see the full me and will be authentic with me.  

The truth is the grief doesn't get easier, you just gather the strength and endurance to manage it more effectively. 

You learn to manage grief in all its glory. 

Choosing your breath: the endless search

Like Francesca said, I searched constantly for signs of Angel right after she died. I looked for her in the sunsets, in the little birds and butterflies that came to wink at me like it was her just saying hello, in the eyes of other children, when a song came on the radio that reminded me of her.  In the beginning I needed things around me that reminded me of her, and I often created things for her, like little pieces of art, a prayer flag... I collected things like Angels and her molly bear.  Her special spot still remains in our bedroom where we have her urn and footprints and a few momentos.  I still often wear the angel wing necklace a friend got me around my neck. 

I am searching less for her these days but more for my own meaning and contentment.  I want her spirit to feel free and I also want to feel less burdoned by the searching for her.

Instead of asking the universe why she is gone and clinging to sorrow, I am working on letting go. 

She continued her journey elsewhere

Choosing your breath - week 2; the art journal

My identity illustrated....

Choosing your breath

I haven't felt that inclined to write recently but I am now following Francesca cox and her latest healing called choosing your breath. It is 40 weeks so whenever I am inspired I will blog about her grief topic. I think this will be therapeutic even almost 4 years later. I still have many moments of raw sadness missing Angel,

Especially this weekend with Mother's Day.

The first topic is identity. 

Before Angel died the following words described me:

Daughter

Sister

Loyal Friend

Wife to my best friend 

Good student

University grad

Proud Government employee 

Optimistic

Sheltered

Happy

Determined

Expectant mother

My identity shifted drastically and went through lots of phases after Angel died.

Unraveled

Dark

Grieving

Afraid

Angry

Unforgiving of myself

Devastated

Lost

Broken

Missing her

I remember saying to my father in law about six months after she died that I still felt like I had "dead baby" written on my forehead for all to see.

That is how raw it was and how much it consumed my identity.

Over time as I processed my feelings I started to heal more. There was more to it than just a black hole all the time.

Enlightened

Reflective 

Seeker of joy and peace and contentment and meaning 

Grieving mom

Mom of Angel

Missing her

Stronger

Living for her

Living for me

The will to live

After Angel died, I struggled to find reason to keep going. Looking back I was in such a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.

I trudged along for a long long time, going through the motions and hoping that eventually things would get better or I would feel different.

Almost 4 years later, I can say I feel a shift in me.

It has been growing and expanding for some time, but now I can finally say I feel like I have a genuine will to live, I feel gratitude for my life again, and I want to invest in myself again.

For so long I think I didn't forgive myself and was almost punishing myself for losing Angel.

I feel like I have finally come to terms with that.  I want to live my life for me again. I feel genuine happiness and contentment again.

I am forever changed by not having her here. But I have that will to live - and to live 100 percent for me.

That is the greatest relief. And the greatest gift.

2015

2015 has been a cold and rocky start. Winter and grief surely can drag you down. A shift is needed and as spring is on the horizon, I want the rest of this year to be focused on being content, enjoying the moments and letting go of old emotional baggage that doesn't serve me anymore.