Angie, from Still Life with Circles, has for the 2nd year in a row, launched a project called “Right Where I am” where she asks other babyloss parents to write about where they are with their grief in the present moment. And that wherever you are, it is right.
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I am 9 months and 2 weeks into this journey of life after loss. I am slowly approaching the one year mark of Angel’s birthday. As the weather turns warm, I am drawn back to so many memories of last summer, being pregnant in the engulfing heat. And then of course that leads me to think about the day everything changed and the aftermath of that. It’s funny how weather, or a season, can trigger you. I also get triggered by smells – warm, pungent, wilting flowers in my living room takes me back to the days after we lost her and the flowers surrounding me from family and friends.
I think back to where I was last year at this time. One year ago tomorrow was my anatomy scan. Here is a photo of me from that day.
It’s really strange looking at pictures of me before this all happened. I feel nostalgic for that person. I feel like I’ve aged a hundred years since this photo was taken.
Right now, it is hard not to feel cheated by life some days. Right now, I struggle not to become a bitter person. Right now, I still miss her and wonder what she would have been like. Right now, I try to grab onto moments of happiness that pull me along. Right now, I still for the most part put one foot in front of the other but don’t know where I will be 6 months down the road. Right now, I still feel disoriented because I am living a life that I didn’t picture 9 months and 15 days ago. The future is hard to imagine. I hope it is full of healing. I hope.
Linking up with Right Where I Am over at Still Life With Circles
Spring weather always triggers my grief. The first year was so hard for me, months 9-12 were difficult as I anticipated her first birthday. Thinking of you as the weather grows warmer. Thank you for sharing where you are.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to recognize the you from before isn't it? I still look at "before" pictures and wonder that they are me. Wishing healing for you, know that healing, better doesn't me gone or all better, just better (less disorienting) than now.
ReplyDeleteI hope that one day at a time, the hope will build and the healing will come. That first year, there are so many difficult milestones and moments. Thank you for sharing with us. <3
ReplyDeleteI still keep thinking wistfully of the person I was, but that first year - I remember feeling so old and just weary all the time. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this place, and I am thinking of you and your Angel, and sending my love.
ReplyDeleteOh, that bitterness, that sense of being cheated. I understand too well. Something that has helped me greatly with that is reading Jerry Sittser's book on traumatic loss, A Grace Disguised. In it he talks about the unfairness, and frames it really well. So helpful. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful description of how the change of the season can take us back to those difficult and painful times. Summer is also my season, the heat and the long sunny evenings, take me back there.
ReplyDeleteI still find it disorientating to look at photographs of myself from 'before' and it so very difficult not to feel bitter and cheated. All that happiness and anticipation and yet, we ended up so far away from the life that we hoped for.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Angel, and I hope for more of those moments of happiness that can pull you along in the face of such a tragic loss, hoping for healing for you xo
The disorientating feeling of not not understanding how you got here, how this happened to you. It can be maddening, and I understand it completely.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Angel. You are not alone <3
Yes, yes, and yes. Reading your words - I understand completely. I can barely bear to look back on photographs of myself while I was pregnant with Otis. All the hope that shines through in my smile, in my eyes - who was that woman?
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, the smells, the sights, the feel of the air of the summer and early fall - it all drags me right back to my time with Otis and in the immediate aftermath of his death.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Angel.
I don't recognise the girl in my first lot of pregnancy photos. I barely recognise any photos of myself from the before life. So untouched by grief that life was.
ReplyDeleteThat last picture, well it just sums it up perfectly.
Nine months is so hard. Sending you all my love.
xo
I remember missing who I was so desperately. That person who looked ten years younger than nine months earlier. Sending you love as you navigate nine months and beyond. None of it is easy, but the first year is particularly brutal. Sending love and thank you for sharing right where you are.
ReplyDeleteJen, what a lovely post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your journey.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true that weather and smells can trigger memories and emotions. So bittersweet. That first year was so difficult for me. There is hope and healing in your future, it just takes a while to get there.
Much love and hugs,
Hannah Rose
I have a photo of me from after and I look glowing, better than I ever do normally. Clear skinned, bright eyed and well slept. I had it as my profile pic for a while then changed it for a more hollow eyed and ravaged one. I ated that I could look okay after Freddie. I hope the next few months treat you kindly. They are so hard (((()))).
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling SO OLD in the first year after losing Eliza. I felt ancient, like I'd outgrown everyone, like I was dried up and dusty inside, like I was running out of time. The entire first year was so difficult. I wish you the very best as you navigate your way through.
ReplyDeleteI pray your journey is full of healing too....I also felt much older after my losses, grief ages you if not physically then mentally for sure. So very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI seem to have aged years in a matter of months. The little laughter lines I had before have been overshadowed by deep set wrinkles on my forehead. I frown, without realising, all the time. I am wishing you strength and peace for the rest of your journey.
ReplyDeleteOh my...so much in this post that just hit home with me.
ReplyDeleteI also felt like I aged so quickly. I didn't recognize myself.
My daughter was also born in August. I remember hot weather, blue skies, summer sun, and long, light evenings. Then we moved to Australia, and her birthday is now during the winter. So, we associate her with rain, wool sweaters, and chilly dark nights. Strange for us...still getting used to it.
Thinking of you...sending you peace and strength on your journey.
Remembering Angel ♥
I know how you feel. I feel like I've aged 30 years in 10 weeks. I saw a picture of myself pregnant a few days ago, and felt like I was looking at someone else. It's so odd...
ReplyDeleteAnd the struggle not to be a bitter person. I'm fighting that right now too. I think it's so easy just to sink down into it, and be sad & angry all the time. I know it's not how I want to live my life, so I hope wtih time that will ease. Thinking of you.
It seems each month has it's own trigger, such a different place to be than I expected. Light and love to you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jen, I totally agree with you about the memories that are starting to be triggered with summer coming on and everything that was happening a year ago. At this time last year, I was almost eight months pregnant, and still oblivious that Nathaniel was not going to survive. I didn't find out until the end of June, and his due date was July 8th. He was still alive inside of me, but wouldn't be for long once he was born, if he made it that long. . .when the days are warm I find myself more raw and sensitive. Keep blogging friend xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI can't look at the photographs of me pregnant with Emma. Even now, nearly four years and another pregnancy completed. They are one of my triggers.Crazy huh? And I remember each stage of that first year comparing the awful pain and sadness with the hope and joy from the same time the year before.
ReplyDeleteNine months - such a hard, raw time. I am so sorry Angel is not here and that you need to be here in this wonderfully supportive but sadly endless corner of the internet.
The future is hard to imagine. I feel like that was my predominant thought for my entire first year after R died. Now what? It's like living an entire lifetime in a couple of months and then having to go back and do it all over again. Sending you much peace and strength as you find your way.
ReplyDeleteHi, where did you get the picture of the sign as I would like to use it but want to source it. Is it yours? If you are so kind you can email me at l.mariefritsch@gmail.com
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