She continued her journey elsewhere

Choosing your breath - week 2; the art journal

My identity illustrated....

Choosing your breath

I haven't felt that inclined to write recently but I am now following Francesca cox and her latest healing called choosing your breath. It is 40 weeks so whenever I am inspired I will blog about her grief topic. I think this will be therapeutic even almost 4 years later. I still have many moments of raw sadness missing Angel,

Especially this weekend with Mother's Day.

The first topic is identity. 

Before Angel died the following words described me:

Daughter

Sister

Loyal Friend

Wife to my best friend 

Good student

University grad

Proud Government employee 

Optimistic

Sheltered

Happy

Determined

Expectant mother

My identity shifted drastically and went through lots of phases after Angel died.

Unraveled

Dark

Grieving

Afraid

Angry

Unforgiving of myself

Devastated

Lost

Broken

Missing her

I remember saying to my father in law about six months after she died that I still felt like I had "dead baby" written on my forehead for all to see.

That is how raw it was and how much it consumed my identity.

Over time as I processed my feelings I started to heal more. There was more to it than just a black hole all the time.

Enlightened

Reflective 

Seeker of joy and peace and contentment and meaning 

Grieving mom

Mom of Angel

Missing her

Stronger

Living for her

Living for me

The will to live

After Angel died, I struggled to find reason to keep going. Looking back I was in such a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.

I trudged along for a long long time, going through the motions and hoping that eventually things would get better or I would feel different.

Almost 4 years later, I can say I feel a shift in me.

It has been growing and expanding for some time, but now I can finally say I feel like I have a genuine will to live, I feel gratitude for my life again, and I want to invest in myself again.

For so long I think I didn't forgive myself and was almost punishing myself for losing Angel.

I feel like I have finally come to terms with that.  I want to live my life for me again. I feel genuine happiness and contentment again.

I am forever changed by not having her here. But I have that will to live - and to live 100 percent for me.

That is the greatest relief. And the greatest gift.