Choosing your breath

I haven't felt that inclined to write recently but I am now following Francesca cox and her latest healing called choosing your breath. It is 40 weeks so whenever I am inspired I will blog about her grief topic. I think this will be therapeutic even almost 4 years later. I still have many moments of raw sadness missing Angel,

Especially this weekend with Mother's Day.

The first topic is identity. 

Before Angel died the following words described me:

Daughter

Sister

Loyal Friend

Wife to my best friend 

Good student

University grad

Proud Government employee 

Optimistic

Sheltered

Happy

Determined

Expectant mother

My identity shifted drastically and went through lots of phases after Angel died.

Unraveled

Dark

Grieving

Afraid

Angry

Unforgiving of myself

Devastated

Lost

Broken

Missing her

I remember saying to my father in law about six months after she died that I still felt like I had "dead baby" written on my forehead for all to see.

That is how raw it was and how much it consumed my identity.

Over time as I processed my feelings I started to heal more. There was more to it than just a black hole all the time.

Enlightened

Reflective 

Seeker of joy and peace and contentment and meaning 

Grieving mom

Mom of Angel

Missing her

Stronger

Living for her

Living for me