The Judgement

You look good
You are still sad?
You are laughing and smiling, you must be ok now
You want to acknowledge her birthday? What for?
You can't get past this
You seem to have moved on
You avoid children
You play with your nieces and nephews so I assume you can be around all children and be ok
You need to have another baby
You seem different, I don't know how to be your friend anymore
You are strong
You are stuck
You need to talk to someone
You need to do x y z and you will feel better or "get better"

____
I get frustrated with the judgement. You are not me and living this life and know all the ins and outs of how it feels and came to be.

The truth:
I am sad alot
I also feel happy often
Her life is interwoven with mine, she is as ingrained in me, a part of my being, and my past, present and future, as the tattoo on my body
I will never be the same or who I was before
I will never be over it
But I am grateful
The pain will always be there
And the love too

I am coping
As best I know how
Please acknowledge and respect that as best you can
In the name of healing
I ask you
She asks you on my behalf

It is a priviledge to know of her

I started a new job this week and one thing I am sort of dreading being asked is "do you have any kids?" I've thought about how I might answer and at this time, being brand new to this organization and to these relationships, I think I will likely say no.  My reasoning is - I barely know any of these people at this stage, and I also don't want to immediately change the professional, office dynamic by getting into a conversation that is extremely personal and highly emotional for me.  I also feel that it is an earned priviledge for new people in my life to know about Angel and to also get to know that level of detail and intimacy about me.

Do I feel guilty saying no?  Of course! I don't want to pretend she didn't exist and that she isn't a part of my life.  But - I will decide, at the right time, if and when I choose to speak about her to any of my new colleagues.  I wouldn't expect them to open up with me right away about personal hardships or tragedies either, although I am open to developing these type of close relationships with my colleagues, where this could become part of what we know about eachother.

Just because I don't speak of her doesn't mean she isn't incredibly important -- this is another way of me protecting her memory and protecting myself too, by not making her a subject of "casual discourse." 

She deserves more than that.

I carry Angel in my heart always - and I choose who gets to see that part of my heart.

Ups & Downs

Living a life after losing Angel is full of ups and downs.  Some of my "down" posts on here are probably frightening to the average person that hasn't experienced a babyloss.  I think some or most of the other BLMs out there can relate.  But I know for the regular person out there, perhaps they just can't relate to the depth of pain that I write about at times.    And that's ok.  I am talking about how I feel about losing MY daughter.  I write to release the grief, so it doesn't affect my day to day life.  It really is therapeutic for me. 

So if you know me in real life a) I appreciate that you care enough to check how I am doing...and please know that I am generally ok 2) please don't treat me strangely just because you know I hurt and am sad about my baby dying 3) if this blog makes you uncomfortable, don't follow it - it's ok not to know every last detail of my grief  4) talking to me about Angel is ok and I would welcome it - just no unsolicited advice on how to "get better" please

I think I've overcome the wave of grief last week and I feel relief.  I think I am on an "up" for the moment and believe me it is sweet, and I treasure it.

Another loss mom wrote about how when she feels good, the sun feels like candy on her skin. It's so true - when you feel good, you can appreciate the small things in life that bring you joy.  But when you are on a low, you can't even see or enjoy the sun. Very little gets through when you are down. I know people in my life try to pull me out of it, but that doesn't really work. Just be patient and I will come around.

A friend of mine posted this quote on facebook the other day and it really resonated with me and my experience with loss.  It inspires me to keep going and have the courage to continue.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt.

She is with me still

The Stewart's garden plaque for Angel

...Has gone through a bit of a makeover! They painted it rainbow/primary colours. I love it.  Jeff and I want to do the same with ours too.  It does seem more appropriate for a "little one" doesn't it?  Thanks mom and dad!

11 months

Dear Angel

It has been 11 months since I held you in my arms.  That number seems unreal to me.  I can’t believe it will soon be an entire year.  The aching of the loss becomes amplified with each milestone I pass.

Did you know that in the past month, your daddy and I both had little butterflies land on us in the backyard? I love that, I hope it was a sign from you. 

We miss you and we cry for you often.  I doubt that will ever change. 

I have no more words today.  The pain is deep. We love you from here to heaven.

Bleak

It is the 10th again, 11 months later and I feel sick to my stomach.

I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks to last summer lately.  As much as I loved shopping for the memory box for the hospital donation, and I do hope that it will help another mom, it really triggered me and I starting thinking about all kinds of memories from last year.  I can’t get the tears to stop sometimes.

I should be planning my daughter’s birthday party for October – not dreading her birthday next month.    

I still get pulled to the dark place of grief more often then I would like, admit, or want to.  I get angry and sad and feel disconnected.  I am trying so hard to move forward positively but some days it ain’t happening.  

I am/was an overachiever type of person but I can’t overachieve at battling grief.  It is what it is, and I don’t have much control over it.  For anyone out there who thinks its been too long, get over it – well try living after you child dies. It is not the least bit fun and some days it is the worst feeling ever. 

Frustrating, hopeless, deep, deep sadness.   

I automatically feel bad for writing such an angry/sad post.  Why?  Why should I feel guilty on top of everything else?  Some days I am NOT strong and that’s just the way it is.

Wouldn't even know

Lord make me a rainbow

 A gift from above...that we saw on our trip to Niagara Falls yesterday :)

"If I die young....Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors"

 

Rising from the ashes

Recently, I’ve seen a couple of stories in the news and on tv, where others have faced incredible loss and have found the strength to move forward.  Mothers that have lost multiple children, due to horrific circumstances, like murder or suicide, and they have shared their stories and how they continued in the aftermath.

I know that everyone has a story, has their struggles and pain – many have overcome more than me. It is inspirational to me, to hear how other people have learned from their loss. 

I know that deep, deep pain, and looking back, in the beginning I don’t know how I still got out of bed and put one foot in front of the other some days.  

As you are going through the heart and heat of the pain – words are just words. It is hard to see two feet in front of you, let alone hear a rationale thought of why this happened or how you might continue.

When a loss happens that is senseless and horrible – it devastates you to the core and strips you of everything you knew.

You have to rise from the depths and create a new normal, a new way of being in the world.

The waves of pain still return – often when you least expect it.

The only way to get through it, is to walk right through the fire and heat of the pain.

You take one step, and another step, and then another, and you start to move through it.

Hold on to whatever you can, to help you take one more step forward.

For some this might be using the life of their children to bring hope to other’s lives – perhaps through donation of time and resources. 

It may also be engaging in creative activities to help with your grief – such as the gardening I do and I know other mothers do, for their children.

“It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of the greatest difficulty.”  Dalai Lama

You can rise from the ashes of your life.

As long as you are willing to keep taking the breath – you can do it.

There is a way through and way up.

Rising is possible.

 

An asset, rather than a burden

For all those times when I've worried about making others uncomfortable in my grief.....

"Death is the one sure thing in life and yet it is the most dreaded conversation topic of all time. Society even try to deny its profound impact on the bereaved friends and family by expecting them to "get over it" in a flash. People expects us to be quiet about our grief because heaven forbid that we might make THEM feel slightly uncomfortable if we accidently let a little bit of our pain slip out in public. This way of thinking needs to change! Everyone will experience a painful loss at one point or another in life so isn't it about time we step up to the challenge and talk openly about this devastating journey that we'll all have to embark upon sooner or later? Some of us have already been travelling this painful road for years and those of you who have yet to experience a loss, should view us as an important asset rather than a burden."

~The Complicated Grief Association

It is so true that none of us are immune to loss.  Why can't we just comfort one another rather than skirting around things like there isn't an elephant in the room?  For those people in my life that have reached out and given me words or a guestures of comfort, I am beyond grateful - they are like precious jewels.

Angel's Garden - photobomb

Ok I guess I got alittle photo happy taking pictures of Angel's garden. It is looking sooo good!

Mya watering Angel's garden :)

our new lights - looks so pretty at night

daisies!

roses....my rose bush was looking alittle off but I am hoping it will come back

love this zebra grass...for "just a grass" it is one of my favourite things in the garden

our butterfly bush is getting bigger - tiny buds are starting....so impatient to have this bloom!

Angel's garden at the Stewart's (grandparents) house

I got to see it in full bloom at Jeff's mom's retirement party :)  the yellow roses are so pretty.

The Stewart family cross that includes myself, Jeff and Angel on the left side. That little painted A as part of our family makes such a big difference to me, it really means alot that she is acknowledged as part of the family.