There will be an answer, let it be

When Jeff and I were in Jamaica, we saw a woman with this Beatles lyric tattoed on her back, with large, beautiful angel wings.  Every time I saw her, I'd stare at it and wonder what inspired it.  And if this is in fact the truth.  I also wondered, does she know defeat, struggle, sorrow or loss like I do?  And if she does, what made her decide on this tattoo? I see this as a hopeful, aspirational thing to write down and believe.  Did she struggle with the question why like I do and eventually come to terms with it?

So many times in the past few months I have wondered why this had to happen. 

Well - for me there are two types of asking the question "why."

One is why did this specifically happen. Why did Angel leave us?  I don't have a specific biological reason.  And to be honest there will NEVER be a good enough reason for why I lost her. Having a reason doesn't change the outcome either. It won't bring Angel back.  I know I do need to let that be. 

From a more philosophical standpoint...I wonder - Why is there such heartache in life in general?  It is so hard not to struggle with this question.  Why do such devastating things happen? 

I think these questions are all part of the grieving process.  It is definitely not linear and I have different emotions of anger, guilt, sadness and vulnerability. I can feel normal for a few days or a few hours, and then it can just hit you - a wave of grief. 

Early on in my grieving I read this in one of my books: 

Remember, bad things happen to good people, without stripping them of their goodness. Regardless of what has happened to you, you are still a worthwhile person and a good mother who deserves the best life has to offer.

I come back to this quote from time to time.  I think for me, it has the same feeling as the earlier quote and "letting it be."  Tragedies occur and I need to find a balance between maintaining control over my life and accepting the limitations.