One of the heartaches of losing a baby so suddenly is the frequent flashbacks and memories that come to you, sometimes out of the blue.
It is strange but I tend to view my life as "before Angel" and "after Angel". When something like this happens - a sudden and traumatic loss - it is kind of like being in a serious accident. It happens in an instant and it hits you with such impact. You tend to have symptoms of post-traumatic stress. It is not as bad now as in the early days but this includes anxiety, nightmares and lots of flashbacks.
The flashbacks come less frequently now, and they aren't all bad. I often have flashbacks to moments of joy during my pregnancy.
This week I went back to work, and as I was trying to get caught up, I was going back through my calendar. I had almost forgot that I was on vacation the first week of August. I was looking at my calender and all the things I had done that week to prepare for Angel, like getting the crib delivered and washing the baby clothes...being the geek I am I had created a list of tasks that I wanted to get done that week, in anticipation of her arrival.
It made me think about this day during the first week of August ....when I met Shannon and Lisa and their little ones Owen and Marcus for lunch. I think this is one of the last pictures I have where I am pregnant with Angel. You can't really see the bump all that well, since I was holding Owen. I had a great time that day. Shannon and I had gone to Safety Superstore to register for Angel, and we also went to look at baby clothes together. Little did I know what was in store for me a few days later.
December 4 Update
So, I had to update this post, because what Shannon said was true, I had a huge blob of salad dressing on my shirt from lunch, and here it is in all its glory! I saw this photo when Shannon took it and then we HAD to do a retake of course, and I had to strategically hold the bottle in front of it.
In this one I am laughing so hard I am almost crying, because of the ridiculousness of the situation. It was such a funny moment though! Such a great memory. Oh, and also another retake was needed so the bottle and straw wasn't blocking Owen either!
Creating New Memories
As we now enter the month of December, I miss Angel very much. Angel should be almost 2 months old, and we should be preparing for our first Christmas with her.
One thing that I have to look forward to is a Holiday Gift Exchange with a fellow babyloss mom Chrissy. I signed up for this on Faces of Loss and just found out we were paired together yesterday. She lost her son Kyle at 38 weeks on May 3, 2011. She is from Keswick, Ontario. I cried reading her story, because in many ways it is like looking into a mirror when you meet another mom in this community. We all share an instant bond. I am really looking forward to picking out a gift that will help her remember and honour Kyle this holiday.
I am also going to exchange gifts with my friend Dana, from Oakville. We met online and have got to know eachother through the babyloss friendship group I go to. She lost Jacob exactly 18 months ago today, on June 1, 2010. She has been a great friend and has helped me try to find my way along this journey of loss. One day, I hope to look back at another mom that is only 4 months out of from her loss, and take her hand and help her walk forward. That is what Dana has done for me now.
I can't wait to see what gifts I recieve for Angel. I am sure it will be something that I treasure for her. Doing these gift exchanges helps to keep Angel's memory alive and brings me a sense of hope and peace for the holiday season. It is important to me that Angel continues to be acknowledged and remembered, always.
That was a great day in August- such a nice lunch/girls day we had. I will always remember that day with fond memories. This pic is especially funny as you are holding the bottle in front of your shirt where you spilled a big spot of salad dressing on your belly (you used to spill things on your clothes so much because your belly would catch it! lol). We laughed so much!
ReplyDeleteSeeing that pictures makes me so sad. I've looked at it for awhile now, looking into your eyes and seeing the happiness. Trying to see more of your bump. I find it surreal to look at pictures of Mom's shortly before their baby died. Looking at them, knowing what was about to happen and they had no idea at the time. I took a few pictures of me and my bump the morning I went to my doctor's appointment where I found out that he was gone. It's so strange to look at that picture, where I was so happy, and know that 3 hours later my world fell apart.
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh at Shannon's comment about the salad dressing on your shirt. That is exactly the kind of thing I would do. That I do do.
The flashbacks are so hard. They just hit so often sometimes and then just when you think you're done with them for awhile, one hits at a bad time and it's impossible to keep it together. I believe that we all have PTSD, at least mildly, for awhile. I don't feel like I have it so much anymore, but just 2 months ago I had a series of flashbacks for about a week after not having any for a few months.
I definitely see my life as "before Jacob died" and "after Jacob died". The before Jacob lasted until I was lying on that exam table and she took more than a few seconds to find his heartbeat.
Thank you for what you said about me here. It means so much to me and I'm so glad that we've met and I've gotten to know you and Angel. She will always be remembered and honoured.