One thing I have to be prepared for and am already experiencing, is reliving the pregnancy with Angel this year. As we enter the month of January, I can't help but think that this is the month I found out I was pregnant with her last year. As each day, week and month passes, I will remember different milestones and events during my pregnancy, many moments of excitement and happiness, and eventually many moments of utter sadness. At a get together with other babyloss moms on Friday night, I asked about this feeling of reliving that I am starting to experience and they confirmed it is like this for the first year. I had thought once I passed Christmas, New Years and my birthday, maybe I would feel some relief of getting past these particular milestones, and the imagined future with my daughter that I had expected would happen during these times of the year. Now, I am facing this new challenge. I know this is all part of the grief process and I need to brace for the triggers and memories.
On my vision board, in the front and centre, is my to do list - inspire, love, hope, share, connect, laugh, survivie, heal. I think these are important and realistic goals for the year.
Other goals that I have placed around the board is: eating right, being more athletic, home improvements - which includes building a garden for Angel this year in my backyard, successfully delivering at work, being a traveller - by returning to old favourites and/or exploring new paths and locations, focusing on my love for Jeff and the relationship we have with eachother - being romantic and having fun - and potentially exploring the expansion of our family.
Going through this process of the vision board has really helped me today. As I enter 2012, I have no real sense of what it will bring yet. But I have chosen some key goals and now have a vision board to remind me what is possible.
In the centre of the board, I also have the word "happiness." I have said before that Angel inspires me to be a better person and I know she would want both Jeff and I to find happiness and live an authentic and meaningful life. I am hoping she will show me the way.
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