Right where I am - 1 year, 9 months, 29 days

For the second year, I am participating in Angie's blog round up, Right Where I am.

http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.ca/2013/05/right-where-i-am-2013-four-years-five.html?m=1

I debated about writing this post this year  as in some ways I don't feel that I am in that much of a different place. Some days I still feel somewhat lost and unsure of what the future holds. I have PTSD moments when I feel like I am reliving things. I still get sucked under the current of grief.  A part of my soul died that day with her.

But when I really reflect on it I know I have changed. In some ways I feel a lot stronger and I have learned how to cope with things as best I know how.

I have put myself out there and tried just about anything to heal. Individual counselling, group support, online support, reading and writing about grief and losing a child. Creating and tending to Angel's garden. 

I am still learning. I accept there is no end line and no closure and not to expect that.  I live in that fine balance of joy and sorrow. I grab on to the happy moments in life as hard as I can. 

I know that I feel most whole when I can be my complete and authentic self and can speak about my loss and my daughter and feel love and support. I have less time for frivolous relationships that aren't reciprocal.  I can say I have no desire to put myself in places that trigger me, like baby showers or kids parties. I am still selfish in that regard, but it is about self preservation for me and why do something that will take me 10 steps back in my journey? It is a sacrifice I don't want to make, at least not right now.

I can say that I feel Angel's presence a lot. Jeff and I have talked about this because we both do. I know her spirit is with me, with us.  I don't need to necessarily write it all down here, what I feel and how much I love and miss her...she knows. I know she does.

I know she would say to me "move forward, all will be well."  She is my "caim."