Still trying to find my own way, without her here

I know I have been quiet this week so far and it's not because I have nothing to say. I could probably write for days right now about all the flashbacks and feelings I am experiencing but my life and mind has also been cluttered with work and trying to keep up.
Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe this new job and new focus fell into my lap as a gift from above.
The hurt is very much there, just a bit compartmentalized until I get in the car and drive....then my mind wanders to this time last year.  I was thinking today how upset I was that none of my side of the family, except my mom, wanted to come to my baby shower. Because they are superstitious. Well guess what she died anyways so good on you for being proved right. Seriously -- who puts these negative thoughts in a pregnant woman's mind??  I remember being so hurt by the lack of support.
If I ever get pregnant again I want to live in a bubble. Seriously though-I would just want to try to block out all the bullshit.
Here we are now almost a year later and I wonder if people that know me still think about Angel at all. I know there are the treasured few in my life that do and that support me.

Jeff said to me the other day that it doesn't hurt any less a year later. It is so true and not really a surprise.

A big part of me feels like I've been dropped off alone in a forest and left to figure things out on my own. As time passes it is really hard not to feel more alone with the pain, as others have moved on, are tired of hearing about/thinking about it, and/or don't realize the pain of certain dates or conversations. But can I really expect them to? Maybe I am the one that should adjust my expectations.

I was at a social function recently and two other women were complaining about how hard it is to raise their babies and what a sacrifice it is. While I am sure mothering a living child is hard, hard work, I cannot relate to their statements and it made me want to scream. And I really wanted to tell my story to add some perspective. But I kept my mouth shut. 

Experiences like that frustrate me, as I can't react or be like a normal person anymore. I can't empathize with regular struggles as much and yet at the same time I wish I could. I wish I could be normal.

Well this is it one year later. Still trying to find my own way, without her here.