An old soul

Someone at work today called me an old soul. I smiled politely, meanwhile thinking "oh yes you have no idea."

This soul has lived through terrifying moments of heartache, fear and immense sadness. Death has lived in me. I am haunted in many ways.  I have searched for inner peace and have fought with myself to pull myself out of the darkness.

This soul has come to see the light again as well. I have many moments where I live in the present -- I am illuminated and alert. I do not take things for granted. My soul has grown so much.

A mother's grief

Some days it feels like this --- so isolating. And weary.  Some days you just don't have the energy to face grief and carry it. 

Pray for the strength

This makes a lot of sense....I am praying for the strength. 

It never ceases to amaze me how others can stand back and judge me.  It is the last thing I need on top of managing my own journey.

Walk just a mile in my shoes and then we can talk.

Others hurt too

My in laws were here one night in August, to celebrate our anniversary. I think sometimes I let myself believe that my other close family members don't think of Angel or hurt like I do.  They don't often demonstrate it but that doesn't mean they don't hurt for her or for us. 

We arrived back from dinner and were heading to the backyard to toast with some champagne. As I walked into the living room my father in law had Angel's urn in his hands. I was a bit taken aback as I kind of feel like people ignore her ashes for the most part. But seeing him, I felt my heart hurt. I realized he misses the connection and life that could have been just like Jeff and I do. He absolutely hurts too. 

My mother in law I know feels the same. She wears a butterfly and an angel necklace around her neck every day. I love seeing them. It makes Angel more real.

She isn't forgotten.

Thin places touching the edge of heaven

Thin places is a Celtic term for a holy moment/place...a place where the boundary between heaven and earth is especially thin.

Where we can sense god's presence...

Usually outdoors where water and land meet or where land and sky come together...

I think I have felt these moments occasionally when I am engulfed in nature or in a sacred space. 

They are few and far between.

But on the plane the other day it sure felt like one.

So close to heaven but just out of reach.

The music changed

Growing around grief

Sharing because I kind of like this depiction. Depending on the day I would say I am either in the middle or the far right of this illustration.