The will to live

After Angel died, I struggled to find reason to keep going. Looking back I was in such a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.

I trudged along for a long long time, going through the motions and hoping that eventually things would get better or I would feel different.

Almost 4 years later, I can say I feel a shift in me.

It has been growing and expanding for some time, but now I can finally say I feel like I have a genuine will to live, I feel gratitude for my life again, and I want to invest in myself again.

For so long I think I didn't forgive myself and was almost punishing myself for losing Angel.

I feel like I have finally come to terms with that.  I want to live my life for me again. I feel genuine happiness and contentment again.

I am forever changed by not having her here. But I have that will to live - and to live 100 percent for me.

That is the greatest relief. And the greatest gift.

2015

2015 has been a cold and rocky start. Winter and grief surely can drag you down. A shift is needed and as spring is on the horizon, I want the rest of this year to be focused on being content, enjoying the moments and letting go of old emotional baggage that doesn't serve me anymore. 

All I want for Christmas

Deafening Silence

http://www.viewster.com/movie/1286-18887-000/deafening-silence/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=voff4
This video was shared on facebook yesterday - it is s short documentary on stillbirth.  So very emotional but very well done.  It brought alot of my own memories and feelings to the surface.

Receive

One of the things I struggle with even now, three years later, is holding on to the difficult emotional baggage. The fear, the guilt, the shame, the deep sadness that comes to the surface from time to time. I think a lifetime of therapy wouldn't eliminate it fully. But I saw a technique/exercise that really resonated with me and could be a tool for others to bring in positive energy.

Take your hands and hold them out in front of you in two clenched fists. Close your eyes and think about whatever emotionally destructive feelings or thoughts or stressors that you are holding on to. Think about how freeing it would be to just let these go. Slowly open your fists and feel all of the negatively be released. Hold your open palms out in front of you -- you are now in a position to receive what you need or want. Be open to receive. You are worthy.

Doing this exercise makes me want to speak to Angel -- to reach out to her for guidance and with hope.

I loved the way she survived

a little piece of heaven

There is a section of the trail near my house that makes me think of heaven. It is so peaceful and beautiful with the sun coming through the trees ever so softly. 

I know there is another dimension other than this life and this earth. I don't take a day for granted here but if this is what heaven is really like, there is no need to fear death. Only more joy and peace awaits us, along with a reunion with our loved ones.