A new year

Getting rid of the darkness

I fought to become her

Choosing your breath: remind yourself

Francesca is right that we all need self-care, and we need to reach out to and hold on to things that make us feel good again. Here are a few things I need to continue to remind myself to do, to stay in a good space and to feel centered. 

Carmen

A few days shy of your 40th birthday and you are gone.  

You knew me my whole life. Since we were little kids on Simonston Blvd and we used to have sleepovers and ride big wheels in the driveway. I moved to Ottawa but we stayed pretty close, taking road trips with the family and switching with Niel so we could be in the same car. Summers at blue mountain. That one summer I stayed with you for weeks and you introduced me to New kids on the block. You also put makeup on me to try to get me in to an AA14 movie.  I was fascinated by you and looked up to you, as my older and wiser cousin. 

Over the years we shared many holidays at Nona's, swimming in the pool and playing cards in the basement. Nona chasing us around the kitchen table with her slipper - we talked about that the last time I saw you. You also cried when you saw me wearing her necklace. I wore it for you, but maybe she made me do it somehow, to give you a sign that she was waiting and it would be ok.

When we were old enough we would take off after family dinners and go for rides in your thunderbird, acting all grown up at Just Desserts.  I loved driving around Toronto with you and was still fascinated by you because you were so grown up compared to me!!

We moved away from home together and went to Queens - me as the undergrad and you as a law student. So many fun times together in Kingston as young women. You were one of my confidants at that time and also always had my back. 

You were my travel partner to Europe for the first time and we walked the streets of Anzano, Rome, Venice, Naples and so many places together. One of my favorite memories was on the cruise ship when the captain bought us drinks at the bar! He was totally flirting with you. People were drawn to you.

You stood beside me at my wedding. We had that epic trip to Vegas before you married John, a trip I will never forget.  I know you loved Jeff and I know how special John was to you.

We were pregnant together. You reached out to me in love when Angel died.  Even though it was hard for both of us, we both tried to stay connected.

You were my blood, a person I loved deeply and never thought I would lose.

We both faced our own life crisis in different ways, and this brought us closer in the last year, when you opened up to me about the cancer. The conversations we had in recent past are some I will always treasure and never forget.  We reached a new spiritual connection, and I know you are at peace on the other side. You told me that when we die we go to God and become love. I know you are with Angel now and holding my daughter close - I promised to do the same for Maria here on earth.  

My cousin I love you and there are not enough words to really say all I am feeling about having to say goodbye -- until we meet again in the clouds. ❤️❤️❤️

Choosing your breath: when gratitude seems impossible

Jeff and I visited Jamaica recently and while we are away our beloved puppy went missing for 13 hours. It was an awful time, despite the fact that we were in one of our most favorite places on earth. A couple people said to us " don't let this ruin your vacation" and "try to enjoy yourselves".  In the moments of panic, fear and sadness it is pretty impossible for me to find happiness let alone gratitude. 

It reminded me a lot of the early hours of losing Angel - the loss of control and the fear that takes over your being.

Gratitude was impossible for a long time after she died.  With time, it did come though. I was able to shift my thoughts to what I still had in my life - my family, my friends, my health, my chance to live and define my experience.  I came to appreciate things much more again - the ocean, the quiet trail by my house, music and reading, spending time with people I love. Cuddling my puppy that brings me a lot of joy.

A dear friend to me told me her mantra is "where there is life there is hope". And that is the basic truth.

Horrific moments of grief will pass. You can find light and love again. Hold on to that and be grateful. 

Until I see in color again