Right Where I am – 9 months and 2 weeks

Angie, from Still Life with Circles, has for the 2^nd year in a row, launched a project called “Right Where I am” where she asks other babyloss parents to write about where they are with their grief in the present moment.  And that wherever you are, it is right.

_____

I am 9 months and 2 weeks into this journey of life after loss. I am slowly approaching the one year mark of Angel’s birthday.  As the weather turns warm, I am drawn back to so many memories of last summer, being pregnant in the engulfing heat.  And then of course that leads me to think about the day everything changed and the aftermath of that.  It’s funny how weather, or a season, can trigger you.  I also get triggered by smells – warm, pungent, wilting flowers in my living room takes me back to the days after we lost her and the flowers surrounding me from family and friends. 

I think back to where I was last year at this time.  One year ago tomorrow was my anatomy scan.  Here is a photo of me from that day. 

It’s really strange looking at pictures of me before this all happened.  I feel nostalgic for that person.  I feel like I’ve aged a hundred years since this photo was taken.

Right now, it is hard not to feel cheated by life some days.  Right now, I struggle not to become a bitter person.  Right now, I still miss her and wonder what she would have been like.  Right now, I try to grab onto moments of happiness that pull me along. Right now, I still for the most part put one foot in front of the other but don’t know where I will be 6 months down the road.   Right now, I still feel disoriented because I am living a life that I didn’t picture 9 months and 15 days ago.  The future is hard to imagine.  I hope it is full of healing.  I hope.     

Linking up with Right Where I Am over at Still Life With Circles

The pain sculpts us

It is so hard some days not to pulled back down into the darkness of grief. It creeps up on you and grabs you.  Sometimes I can't believe this all happened. It seems like a bad dream, in fact, the worst nightmare.  I suppose it is the brain protecting itself when I don't focus on the gravity of what happened, every second of every day.  But then when I think about it, it really does hit me.  She's gone.  I am missing out on so, so much.  Sometimes I am angry, and sad, and lost.  I really don't want to feel that way. When I get hit by the grief, I try to focus on all the gifts Angel gave me.

There was a beautiful post written in Still Standing magazine today about finding light in the darkness.   "And now, even if I've been denied the ability to hold her in my arms, I can still keep her close to me. I have found her in the little gifts the universe leaves me. I just have to open my heart up to receive them."

To steal a quote from my friend Amanda says about her son Cayvior -- Everything beautiful reminds me of her.  Life really is illuminated in a different way and that is her gift to me.  I remember her when I see butterflies, roses, sunsets, clouds floating in blue skies, the ocean, the stars, the sunlight through the trees.

Grief changes us. The pain sculpts us into someone who:

Understands more deeply,
Hurts more often,
Appreciates more quickly,
... Cries more easily,
Hopes more desperately,
Loves more openly. ♥

Do not NOT live because they are not here...Live because they were, because they touched us, because they made us understand, hurt, appreciate, cry, hope and love more deeply than we ever thought possible. Live for them not despite them.

Visit to Butterfly Conservatory

Shannon, Owen & I went to the Butterfly Conservatory in Cambridge yesterday. We saw many unique butterflies! here are some photos and a short video. It was very beautiful there.

Angel's garden is growing

Here are some more recent photos from Angel's garden...it is really started to get established, just over two weeks later. I have noticed growth in the plants and some are started to get buds and bloom.

The rose bush has grown new leaves and there are even small buds on it; also the plant behind it has purple blooms and the yellow plant in front also has purple flowers that open in the day sun

The plants around Angel's plaque are growing fuller and wider

Full  garden view - the grasses at the back are taller

Our butterfly bush is getting alot of new, green leaves on it also; it is expected to grow 4-5 feet tall

Mother's day gifts

This week I received a couple of items in the mail for Mother's day....A donation made by my mom to PBSO in Angel's name, and a lovely pink butterfly from my dear friend Amanda.  I love that Angel is being remembered!  I have the card and butterfly in Angel's spot at home.

It hurts but I don’t want to skip over it either

Flashbacks and painful memories still hit me when I least expect it.  This week at work, I was multi-tasking and focused on many different things, but in the middle of all that I had a flashback all of a sudden out of nowhere to August 10^th. To one of the most painful moments.  I don’t know why that happened because I wasn’t even triggered by anything at the time but it hit me all of a sudden and I had to take a moment to collect myself.  Lately, more and more comes back to me about that day…moments I must have forgotten in my fog.  I tried to figure out what might have prompted this particular flashback out of nowhere but honestly there was nothing.  I am surprised that I don’t have control of the flashbacks still.  But at the same time, this is my new life and I can’t push aside what has happened.

The other night we were driving home in the car and the song “What Sarah said” by Death Cab for Cutie came on…one of the songs that remind us of Angel. 

We decided to listen to it and it was emotional.  But what Jeff said was so true – It hurts to listen to it but I don’t want to skip over it either.  That is how I feel about integrating Angel into our lives also.  What happened, happened.   We can’t go back and change things, as much as we’d like to.  And it is healing to continue to acknowledge our loss, to reflect on all the memories, good and bad.   

Mother's Day

I do feel the love this Mother's Day.   Don't get me wrong, this day is still a painful reminder that Angel isn't here physically. However I have received so many nice and surprising guestures for Mother's Day this year.

Jeff gave me these lovely flowers. 

In the background you can also see the cards I recieved, from him, Shannon and my mom. 

I've also received so many nice messages from friends and especially from my circle of babyloss moms.   We will always think of eachother and our babies, during these milestones and I value that support.

I also feel Angel's love.  I went out to the garden this morning, and a purple flower had bloomed right near her plaque. 

If she could say anything to me today, I hope it would be this....

Miss you baby girl.