Stronger

This past weekend Jeff and I travelled with his 6 month pregnant cousin and husband -- I was not really sure how it would go for me but I am so glad that I was able to go and have a good time and not let Angel's death completely rule my emotions. Of course I had a few moments of inner cringing based on the conversations that popped up here and there but I am definetly stronger than I was almost 3 years ago and I feel like I can face almost anything, with Jeff's support. 

I think Angel would be proud of her mama :)

She lives on

I was contacted yesterday by Erin, the woman who received the memory box we donated to st joes for Angel's 2nd birthday. Her son Carter was stillborn at 40 weeks in February. My heart breaks for her and her husband.... Nothing prepares you for this type of loss and the early days are like an abyss of pain and sorrow.  She said that my letter helped though and I am so glad if it made just a little bit of difference.

Angel's memory lives on in these small acts and it means so much that her life in some way brings meaning to this world. Missing you now and always.

Not everyone gets their rainbow

I wanted to share this article as it really resonated with me. Sometimes all you can do is try to find healing within yourself. It is a different kind of challenge to manage on top of the grief.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/everyone-gets-rainbow/

Everyone see the wind blow

A new pattern

When I lost Angel I did become unravelled. My trust and faith that all will be well was broken into a million pieces. Now, over two years later, it still affects the core of my being. Having our pup Mimi here has been such a joy but I worry a lot about her safety and how long she will be with us. She is a curious puppy and I fret about her chewing or eating something she shouldn't or running out the front door off leash -- all kinds of scenarios. I think this is the PTSD and also just the new pattern of my thoughts now. I realize how I will never be the same. I will always worry. And if we do bring children into the family I don't know how well I could manage the worry. I am sure it would be even more amplified. How do babyloss moms handle this?? It is a struggle to believe that all will be well.  

On the positive side it does make me reflect on how precious life and all its experiences are. It forces me to live in the present and just enjoy what I have while I have it. I just wish I could focus completely on that without the dread. 

This girl

This is our pup Mimi -- we adopted her about 10 days ago, and we love her so much!! I was crying a bit the other night and she just sat on my lap and licked the tears. This girl brings us so much joy. :) it is nice to feel joy in a piece of my heart again. 

The other side

A grief wave has hit me and I can't even find the right words to write about it. Sometimes I feel so disconnected from Angel and it is hard to believe that she is here and with me, that her sprit is guiding me as I try to find my way without her. I have been feeling so sad lately and I just hope that one day sometime soon I can come out the other side.