Panic

We spent the weekend in Ottawa and Mimi has a great time running around my brother's fully fenced backyard. Well on Sunday night we were sitting on the deck and after a few minutes of realizing Mimi hadn't run back over to us I said "where's Mimi." I started calling for her and checked to see if she was let back in to the house and I didn't realize. We all started searching the backyard using our phone flashlights, and then the path behind the house, in front of the house, the whole house. As I am looking and calling I started to get panicked. I felt a lot of the same fear from when we lost Angel, where you gut gets in knots and the fear creates tingles up your back and neck. As I was walking down the path calling her I also was speaking to Angel and asked her to help me find her. Or bring her back. Finally, probably 10 minutes later (felt like an hour) she came running up at me from who knows where at the front of the house. I was so relieved! I don't know what I would do if she got hurt or lost. My head was thinking that a coyote got her in the forest behind my brothers house. The most I can gather is she got out under the fence to the neighbors but then had to find or dig her way back out. 

The experience brought back some feelings about losing Angel. The panic and fear was similar. I am just thankful the outcome was a positive one and Mimi is ok. Here she is all peaceful beside me after her little adventure. 

True friend

I was reminded this week that I have such good and true friends who do remember Angel with me.

My girlfriend said to me the other night that Angel's life meant something to her, that she will always a be remembered, that it wasn't my fault and that I am a good mother. 

Those are probably the most important four things anyone could say to me and I am so happy to have that kind of support.

She also said that she sees me as a survivor and that I am successful at coping and moving forward because I am grateful. For Angel's life and for all that life  (still) has to offer.

I am happy to have people in my life that get it.  And they help me remember her, and all the gifts she has given to me and to many people in my circle. 

Stronger

This past weekend Jeff and I travelled with his 6 month pregnant cousin and husband -- I was not really sure how it would go for me but I am so glad that I was able to go and have a good time and not let Angel's death completely rule my emotions. Of course I had a few moments of inner cringing based on the conversations that popped up here and there but I am definetly stronger than I was almost 3 years ago and I feel like I can face almost anything, with Jeff's support. 

I think Angel would be proud of her mama :)

She lives on

I was contacted yesterday by Erin, the woman who received the memory box we donated to st joes for Angel's 2nd birthday. Her son Carter was stillborn at 40 weeks in February. My heart breaks for her and her husband.... Nothing prepares you for this type of loss and the early days are like an abyss of pain and sorrow.  She said that my letter helped though and I am so glad if it made just a little bit of difference.

Angel's memory lives on in these small acts and it means so much that her life in some way brings meaning to this world. Missing you now and always.

Not everyone gets their rainbow

I wanted to share this article as it really resonated with me. Sometimes all you can do is try to find healing within yourself. It is a different kind of challenge to manage on top of the grief.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/everyone-gets-rainbow/

Everyone see the wind blow

A new pattern

When I lost Angel I did become unravelled. My trust and faith that all will be well was broken into a million pieces. Now, over two years later, it still affects the core of my being. Having our pup Mimi here has been such a joy but I worry a lot about her safety and how long she will be with us. She is a curious puppy and I fret about her chewing or eating something she shouldn't or running out the front door off leash -- all kinds of scenarios. I think this is the PTSD and also just the new pattern of my thoughts now. I realize how I will never be the same. I will always worry. And if we do bring children into the family I don't know how well I could manage the worry. I am sure it would be even more amplified. How do babyloss moms handle this?? It is a struggle to believe that all will be well.  

On the positive side it does make me reflect on how precious life and all its experiences are. It forces me to live in the present and just enjoy what I have while I have it. I just wish I could focus completely on that without the dread.