If only...

What Angel has taught us

We have learned so much from our daughter Angel and will carry these lessons with us the rest of our lives.

Perspective

Angel has given us a new perspective on life.  When something like this happens to you, it literally makes time slow down to a crawl and brings you to your knees.  With this shift, you also look around at life on this Earth and contemplate what is really a bad day, or a true hardship….you look back at certain moments in your life and think “those were the best days of my life.”  You may not have known it at the time, but they were.  I suppose it gives you a new appreciation for joy – because you are in the depths of incredible sorrow.

Courage & Strength

Angel also taught us about incredible courage and strength – and how you can reach into your very core for strength and hold on with all your might....pull yourself out of the dark hole of grief and try move forward.  We discovered courage and inner strength neither of us knew we had.

Love

We learned about a parent’s Love.  It is a love unlike any other in this world.   It is unconditional and pure and true.   I also feel like the love Jeff & I have for each other has strengthened.  We are sharing this journey together and holding hands as we find our way.  

Compassion

Angel makes me want to be a better person and to be compassionate to those that I interact with on Earth.  I have a deeper understanding of significant hardships that can happen and I feel it makes me more empathetic to others. Life is fragile and precious and we need to take care of one another. 

Hope

This loss has been devastating and has shattered our world.  However, I know our daughter would want us to pick up the pieces and find our way forward.  I have hope that I can live an authentic life that honours our baby girl.

Hole in my heart

The Butterfly

"The butterfly has long been a powerful symbol across many cultures. It is a symbol of transformation, of the spirit and the soul, and of the unending cycle of life and death.

To the Greeks the butterfly was the symbol of the soul, and it was believed that each butterfly was a human soul searching for a new incarnation. The Celts also believed that butterflies were new souls seeking life. They believed that a woman became pregnant by swallowing these tiny butterfly souls.

The metamorphosis of the butterfly is a powerful symbol in so many ways for us when we are grieving. They are the beautiful tiny spark of life that came to us, lighted in our lives for a too brief moment before fluttering away. They are the hope that the transformation that loss brings into our life, can result in something different, something beautiful. We may not be the same at the end of our journey, but we have grown, we are able to see things that we could not before. They are the hope that we may swallow that butterfly soul searching for us, and hold a baby in our bodies and in our arms once more."

How Angel got her name

Sweet daughter, I hope you understand why we named you Angel.  

Because you appeared to us so briefly and touched our hearts so deeply, we thought an Angel was really the only being capable of such an impressive feat. 

You have changed our world.  And we will always love you Angel.  As our lives continue we will include you in our celebrations, share our victories, feel your comfort in our sorrow and failures, cherish our memories of you as we look toward the future with hope.   You will always be a part of our family.

I Will Carry You

I just finished reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith - she tells the story of her pregnancy with her 4th daughter Audrey, who unfortunately had conditions that were incompatible with life.  Rather than terminating the pregnancy, she carried Audrey for as long as she had life. The book talks about this journey and her grief once Audrey was born and died, just over 2 hours later.

I would recommend this book to others who wish to understand the journey of a mother's grief and I wanted to share a few passages from the book that really resonated with me.

An inspirational poem
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
--Kahlil Gibran

Burden Carriers
One of the common veins is the feeling that they (bereaved parents) had to "move on," "get over it," "appreciate what they have," and similar suggestions.  I can tell you as a mother who has experienced losing a baby: it isn't going to happen.  Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride.  You cannot rush grief.  Read that again, and let it soak in as you either walk through it or alongside someone who is in the midst of it.
People are uncomfortable swimming in another's grief.  The way they respond to it is, naturally, to try and fix the situation.  Of course, they can't, but just letting the silence hang there feels wrong, so they try to fill it with words they think will help.  I sense people's intentions, and I know that this is their desire, but honestly it falls flat.  It means so much more to me when people just tell me they're sorry and don't try to make all the pieces fit or explain it into something that it isn't.  I know how it feels to be on the other side as well, and I understand that you want to say the right thing.  Yet sometimes the right thing is to say nothing at all.  It's just to be there, available, willing, authentic.


A letter to my Daughter
Do you know you changed the world? From the day we found out we were expecting you, we knew that God had chosen you for our family....we talked about you all the time...our house was filled with love for you long before we ever knew who you would be to us....
Did you know that while you were in my tummy, you went to the beach, to Disney World, to the ballet, to the zoo, to the symphony, to listen to daddy sing...and so many more places?
...I will never forget the day you were born....
...I cry for you often. I miss the smell of your skin and your perfect little nose. My arms ache from emptiness. I tell your daddy all the time that I just want to hold you again. I cannot see to write these words because my eyes overflow with the tears of a mother who has been asked to give her daughter away.
...You are the greatest miracle I have ever been a part of, and I want you to know how incredibly proud I am to have been chosen to be your mommy.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One
who's chosen me
To carry you

Certificate of Life for Angel