I Will Carry You

I just finished reading the book "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith - she tells the story of her pregnancy with her 4th daughter Audrey, who unfortunately had conditions that were incompatible with life.  Rather than terminating the pregnancy, she carried Audrey for as long as she had life. The book talks about this journey and her grief once Audrey was born and died, just over 2 hours later.

I would recommend this book to others who wish to understand the journey of a mother's grief and I wanted to share a few passages from the book that really resonated with me.

An inspirational poem
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
--Kahlil Gibran

Burden Carriers
One of the common veins is the feeling that they (bereaved parents) had to "move on," "get over it," "appreciate what they have," and similar suggestions.  I can tell you as a mother who has experienced losing a baby: it isn't going to happen.  Grief is a winding, nasty road that has no predictable course, and the best thing you can do as a friend is to show up for the ride.  You cannot rush grief.  Read that again, and let it soak in as you either walk through it or alongside someone who is in the midst of it.
People are uncomfortable swimming in another's grief.  The way they respond to it is, naturally, to try and fix the situation.  Of course, they can't, but just letting the silence hang there feels wrong, so they try to fill it with words they think will help.  I sense people's intentions, and I know that this is their desire, but honestly it falls flat.  It means so much more to me when people just tell me they're sorry and don't try to make all the pieces fit or explain it into something that it isn't.  I know how it feels to be on the other side as well, and I understand that you want to say the right thing.  Yet sometimes the right thing is to say nothing at all.  It's just to be there, available, willing, authentic.


A letter to my Daughter
Do you know you changed the world? From the day we found out we were expecting you, we knew that God had chosen you for our family....we talked about you all the time...our house was filled with love for you long before we ever knew who you would be to us....
Did you know that while you were in my tummy, you went to the beach, to Disney World, to the ballet, to the zoo, to the symphony, to listen to daddy sing...and so many more places?
...I will never forget the day you were born....
...I cry for you often. I miss the smell of your skin and your perfect little nose. My arms ache from emptiness. I tell your daddy all the time that I just want to hold you again. I cannot see to write these words because my eyes overflow with the tears of a mother who has been asked to give her daughter away.
...You are the greatest miracle I have ever been a part of, and I want you to know how incredibly proud I am to have been chosen to be your mommy.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One
who's chosen me
To carry you