There will never be another like you

Gratitude

I am feeling so very grateful for the comments and support received for my last post, on where I am right now in my grief.  So often in this journey I have felt isolated and alone with it all.  The babyloss community has been a lifeline for me, and it means so very much to have my feelings validated.  I feel less crazy and that I am less alone.  It really means the world to me.

Right Where I am – 9 months and 2 weeks

Angie, from Still Life with Circles, has for the 2^nd year in a row, launched a project called “Right Where I am” where she asks other babyloss parents to write about where they are with their grief in the present moment.  And that wherever you are, it is right.

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I am 9 months and 2 weeks into this journey of life after loss. I am slowly approaching the one year mark of Angel’s birthday.  As the weather turns warm, I am drawn back to so many memories of last summer, being pregnant in the engulfing heat.  And then of course that leads me to think about the day everything changed and the aftermath of that.  It’s funny how weather, or a season, can trigger you.  I also get triggered by smells – warm, pungent, wilting flowers in my living room takes me back to the days after we lost her and the flowers surrounding me from family and friends. 

I think back to where I was last year at this time.  One year ago tomorrow was my anatomy scan.  Here is a photo of me from that day. 

It’s really strange looking at pictures of me before this all happened.  I feel nostalgic for that person.  I feel like I’ve aged a hundred years since this photo was taken.

Right now, it is hard not to feel cheated by life some days.  Right now, I struggle not to become a bitter person.  Right now, I still miss her and wonder what she would have been like.  Right now, I try to grab onto moments of happiness that pull me along. Right now, I still for the most part put one foot in front of the other but don’t know where I will be 6 months down the road.   Right now, I still feel disoriented because I am living a life that I didn’t picture 9 months and 15 days ago.  The future is hard to imagine.  I hope it is full of healing.  I hope.     

Linking up with Right Where I Am over at Still Life With Circles

The pain sculpts us

It is so hard some days not to pulled back down into the darkness of grief. It creeps up on you and grabs you.  Sometimes I can't believe this all happened. It seems like a bad dream, in fact, the worst nightmare.  I suppose it is the brain protecting itself when I don't focus on the gravity of what happened, every second of every day.  But then when I think about it, it really does hit me.  She's gone.  I am missing out on so, so much.  Sometimes I am angry, and sad, and lost.  I really don't want to feel that way. When I get hit by the grief, I try to focus on all the gifts Angel gave me.

There was a beautiful post written in Still Standing magazine today about finding light in the darkness.   "And now, even if I've been denied the ability to hold her in my arms, I can still keep her close to me. I have found her in the little gifts the universe leaves me. I just have to open my heart up to receive them."

To steal a quote from my friend Amanda says about her son Cayvior -- Everything beautiful reminds me of her.  Life really is illuminated in a different way and that is her gift to me.  I remember her when I see butterflies, roses, sunsets, clouds floating in blue skies, the ocean, the stars, the sunlight through the trees.

Grief changes us. The pain sculpts us into someone who:

Understands more deeply,
Hurts more often,
Appreciates more quickly,
... Cries more easily,
Hopes more desperately,
Loves more openly. ♥

Do not NOT live because they are not here...Live because they were, because they touched us, because they made us understand, hurt, appreciate, cry, hope and love more deeply than we ever thought possible. Live for them not despite them.

Visit to Butterfly Conservatory

Shannon, Owen & I went to the Butterfly Conservatory in Cambridge yesterday. We saw many unique butterflies! here are some photos and a short video. It was very beautiful there.

Angel's garden is growing

Here are some more recent photos from Angel's garden...it is really started to get established, just over two weeks later. I have noticed growth in the plants and some are started to get buds and bloom.

The rose bush has grown new leaves and there are even small buds on it; also the plant behind it has purple blooms and the yellow plant in front also has purple flowers that open in the day sun

The plants around Angel's plaque are growing fuller and wider

Full  garden view - the grasses at the back are taller

Our butterfly bush is getting alot of new, green leaves on it also; it is expected to grow 4-5 feet tall

Mother's day gifts

This week I received a couple of items in the mail for Mother's day....A donation made by my mom to PBSO in Angel's name, and a lovely pink butterfly from my dear friend Amanda.  I love that Angel is being remembered!  I have the card and butterfly in Angel's spot at home.