Everyone see the wind blow

A new pattern

When I lost Angel I did become unravelled. My trust and faith that all will be well was broken into a million pieces. Now, over two years later, it still affects the core of my being. Having our pup Mimi here has been such a joy but I worry a lot about her safety and how long she will be with us. She is a curious puppy and I fret about her chewing or eating something she shouldn't or running out the front door off leash -- all kinds of scenarios. I think this is the PTSD and also just the new pattern of my thoughts now. I realize how I will never be the same. I will always worry. And if we do bring children into the family I don't know how well I could manage the worry. I am sure it would be even more amplified. How do babyloss moms handle this?? It is a struggle to believe that all will be well.  

On the positive side it does make me reflect on how precious life and all its experiences are. It forces me to live in the present and just enjoy what I have while I have it. I just wish I could focus completely on that without the dread. 

This girl

This is our pup Mimi -- we adopted her about 10 days ago, and we love her so much!! I was crying a bit the other night and she just sat on my lap and licked the tears. This girl brings us so much joy. :) it is nice to feel joy in a piece of my heart again. 

The other side

A grief wave has hit me and I can't even find the right words to write about it. Sometimes I feel so disconnected from Angel and it is hard to believe that she is here and with me, that her sprit is guiding me as I try to find my way without her. I have been feeling so sad lately and I just hope that one day sometime soon I can come out the other side.

And so she whispers....

Due date

She was due to be born October 7, 2011 -- which that year fell on thanksgiving weekend. Angel's due date still gets to me 2 years later. It is hard not to think about what should have been. 

This past week a sibling of one of Jeff's colleagues lost their baby at 6 months. It triggered both of us.  Why does this seem so common?  It makes me want to scream about the unfairness of it all.

As much as I love October for it's changing colors and beauty, I hate how empty it makes me feel. Something is missing, always missing, and right now it just feels so very pronounced. 

Wishing I could hold her in my arms.

An old soul

Someone at work today called me an old soul. I smiled politely, meanwhile thinking "oh yes you have no idea."

This soul has lived through terrifying moments of heartache, fear and immense sadness. Death has lived in me. I am haunted in many ways.  I have searched for inner peace and have fought with myself to pull myself out of the darkness.

This soul has come to see the light again as well. I have many moments where I live in the present -- I am illuminated and alert. I do not take things for granted. My soul has grown so much.