Choosing your breath: when gratitude seems impossible

Jeff and I visited Jamaica recently and while we are away our beloved puppy went missing for 13 hours. It was an awful time, despite the fact that we were in one of our most favorite places on earth. A couple people said to us " don't let this ruin your vacation" and "try to enjoy yourselves".  In the moments of panic, fear and sadness it is pretty impossible for me to find happiness let alone gratitude. 

It reminded me a lot of the early hours of losing Angel - the loss of control and the fear that takes over your being.

Gratitude was impossible for a long time after she died.  With time, it did come though. I was able to shift my thoughts to what I still had in my life - my family, my friends, my health, my chance to live and define my experience.  I came to appreciate things much more again - the ocean, the quiet trail by my house, music and reading, spending time with people I love. Cuddling my puppy that brings me a lot of joy.

A dear friend to me told me her mantra is "where there is life there is hope". And that is the basic truth.

Horrific moments of grief will pass. You can find light and love again. Hold on to that and be grateful. 

Until I see in color again

Choosing your breath: fear and loss

As Francesca said, if anything has lingered in this life after loss, it is fear. Fear was one of the most paralyzingly feelings I felt and continue to feel since the day I lost her.   Rational or not, I know first hand how things change in a moment and I am often waiting for the other shoe to drop. I fear loss of others in my life, and it takes only a small thing to set my mind off - if Jeff isn't home when I expect, I immediately think he has been in an accident. If Mimi isn't at the window when we pull in the driveway, I feel the fear in my chest that something happened to her.

It is not easy controlling the fear. It is something I struggle with as I try to find peace of mind. 

Choosing your breath: everything is different

The quilt

One of my best friends mom made this beautiful quilt for me, in remembrance of Angel.

It was so unexpected and kind. The quilt, and the card and sentiment of it all, brought tears to my eyes. 

I will be hanging this in a special place in my home.

Choosing your breath: the lies grief tell us

I resonate a lot with what Francesca wrote on this topic. I could not see past the grief or my own hurt for a long long time. Even if friends and family had good intentions, I kept most people at arms length for fear of being misunderstood, hurt or triggered. 

I can see now that I did push people away for a long time. It was a coping mechanism and it did feel necessary. 

The problem is that if you do that long enough -- some people will stop trying. Stop reaching out, stop inviting you to the things you turn down.

In that way I do regret turning inward. But  it took time to build myself up again and get to a point where I could be open and trusting and have the strength to do things that used to trigger me so much.

Choosing your breath: grief is

Images and text that say it all for me...