2016 Donation for Angel

I've been so inwardly focused these days, dealing with my cancer battle, that I haven't posted here as often.  As a coping mechanism, I have pushed my thoughts about Angel's 5th birthday to the side, as I can only deal with so much at a time.  But that didn't stop me from arranging for her annual donation!


My mom and I, for the second year in a row, have arranged to have backpacks donated for children in need, through my aunt's church.  One for a girl and one for a boy - aged 5/kindergarten, in remembrance. It makes me feel good that her memory is living on in this way. :)

Middle ground

A new life crisis

Just over a week ago I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.  It has been a whirlwind of information and coping as I was referred to an oncology team at Mount Sinai, and will be starting chemo next week. 


Blogging about my stillbirth over the last 5 years has helped me immensely to sort through my feelings and was therapeutic for sure. I am hoping that doing so for this new life crisis will have the same effect.


If you've followed me on this blog, you can also follow my next journey here:
https://bumpintheroadandjourneybeyond.blogspot.ca/

Mother's Day 2016

This year Mother's Day has crept up on me. I am in a good place but it still tugs at my heart, knowing Angel isn't here. 

I wonder what she'd be like now, she should be about 4 and a half and would probably be stirring up tons of trouble of a daily basis!

Missing her now and always. 

Delicious ambiguity

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner

Choosing your breath: a little wonder

I am two months behind this choosing your breathe exercise but for good reason. I was following the path of "a little wonder" as Francesca speaks about.

In the self care part of this week she says: Carve out time to do something new or old. Something adventurous, wild, maybe even fun. You deserve to laugh, and feel unbroken again.

In January I went on one of the best adventures of my lifetime. I travelled across the world with two of my best friends, to Abu Dhabi and Dubai.  Going to the Middle East is not something I ever expected to do but it was an opportunity I couldn't say no to.   I saw and experienced amazing things! I felt a piece of me coming alive again, and my love of travel was back. 

I thought of Angel often and of Carmen too. There were reminders of both of them there for me. With Angel, it was in a store name or the butterfly displays I saw. It was in the sunsets. For Carmen it was the uncanny familiarity to the trip we had together in Vegas. 

I kept thinking to myself - I will live for her.

This thought applies to both of them - my daughter and my cousin. They can't be here but I am - and I am going to make the most of it for them. In their honor and to honour life itself. It is a beautiful big world out there - with so much wonder.

I'll blink my eyes...