Will you get bitter or better

I have been reflecting a lot on my grief journey and recently read an article by another bereaved mother called “Will you get bitter or better.”  I know that I want to be better.  There will always be a profound sense of loss of what could have been.  This I know will be an ache in my heart forever.  But, who would want to be a bitter person? Someone that can’t appreciate life as it is, or that no one wants to be around? Meeting Angel and saying goodbye to her has had a significant impact on my life experience, however I know I can’t let this part of my life story eat away at me.  

“Time stopped for me when Grace took her last breath. And I was certain that my life would never start again.” 
I can relate to this so completely.  Time stood still for me also when we found out Angel was gone. It was hard to believe in a life after her death.

The article talks about how time doesn’t heal all wounds – hard work does. And the hard work takes time.  I am choosing to get better – so now what?   What I, and many bereaved mothers struggle with, is moving past the sorrow.

This sorrow is “tangible evidence of her brief life. The loss of the sorrow can feel like an additional death or worse, the final death, as you feel like you are choosing to deny your child’s entire existence.”   The writer urges us to take the risk and have the courage to heal.  Take the thorns with the roses.

“Grace would have been the rose I would have preferred. But that rose is not available to me.  The rose of wisdom is. I share that wisdom because it is a gift of grace…Grace’s legacy is manifested when I share the wisdom she left me.”

“Live a life less controlled by fear. All healing is possible.”

I want to believe it.  Some days it is easier than others.  Some days I am lost in my own world of grief and can’t see past it.  Some days I do.

“The past is gone.  The future is not yet here.  RIGHT NOW – I am free of both.  What am I choosing right now?  I choose joy.”