Grief & Sleep

A deep, dreamless sleep evades me many nights.  I have often been an inconsistent sleeper I think, but after the loss it is much worse.

I find that days after nights with less sleep, the grief is a heavier burden to carry. Lack of sleep makes me more emotional.  If I have a decent sleep, I feel like I can handle things a bit better, and that makes me feel more confident in dealing with certain situations.  It is strange how even sleep and grief have a relationship.

Even if I have a “good” sleep, grief sometimes takes over my dreams.  You cannot escape it sometimes.  I think it is my subconscious working out all the details and feelings that I don’t get to in a regular, busy day of life.   I’ve had dreams where I try to explain to people what happened – like why she might have died. I’ve had dreams arguing with people over things I can’t even remember but I just have the feeling of being hurt and alone when I wake up.  Shortly after the loss, I had a very emotional dream where I was hugging a little girl, in Angel’s room. We were sitting on her bed, made with the hungry caterpillar sheets I bought for her. She was maybe 2 years old.  It was so vivid. I hugged her tight and told her I loved her so much. 

I’ve had quite a few dreams more recently with butterflies, and they are usually pretty vivid also and mostly comforting.  I like to think that is Angel visiting me.