18 months

The depth of my pain since you left is as deep as the ocean and as high as heaven.
The pain can be all encompassing, suffocating at times.

18 months since I held you in my arms.
Where has the time gone? Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream. Sometimes I want to step out of this life and imagine this did not happen, to me, to us, to Angel.

When we first lost Angel I didn't really know how I could make it. Through the day, the next few weeks or months. And yet here we are a year and a half later. I have felt more like the old me recently, in that I feel stronger and happier. I am able to focus on other things in life, and that is so important from a coping perspective. The grief still creeps up on me for sure but I don't necessarily have the raw emotions of it all, hitting me at every turn.

I am so thankful for what I do have in my life, and for Jeff especially for being there for me each and every day.

I am glad that I may have touched someone else --- Ruth and her loss of Samuel. Hearing that my letter and memory box helped her really affected me.

What I would say to the me on August 11 2011 is that you will have better days. This is something my mom said to me too, in the early weeks after. I didn't believe it at the time. It is impossible to comprehend at the time when you are alone in the forest, completely lost in the pain. But it can happen. You will get there. You will always carry your baby in your heart. You will always feel the sting of the loss. But you will find joy too, in between the grief.

Angel, we love you and miss you so much. Sometimes it rips my heart out. But we are moving forward with you always in our thoughts.