I HAVE LEARNED - From Grieving Mothers

I HAVE LEARNED:


Tragedy does not come knocking on your door three days in advance to let you know when to expect him. So that you will know to be waiting on him. He comes within the very blink of an eye. In an instant; and he is never gentle about it.

Grief is the constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone loved dies. Grief is the weight in the chest, the churning in the gut, the physical pain in your heart and soul, and the unspeakable thoughts and feelings.

Mourning is the outward expression of grief. Mourning is crying, journaling, creating artwork, talking to others about the death, telling the story, speaking the unspeakable.


Everyone grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.


Time does NOT heal all wounds. This is not a wound....it is an amputation. "Loose an arm or a leg, and let me know how long it takes for it to grow back!" It won't!!

TIME only allows you the space needed to get used to living WITHOUT. It does not heal....and the mourning and the grief comes in tidal waves.

After a length of time, the days get somewhat better, you can maybe smile a little and eventually even laugh without feeling guilty. Never a day goes by you don't think of them, but then BBAAMM.................smell something they loved, hear a song, see a color, pass their favorite cereal at the grocery store..............just anything and the day is just bottomed out and it may last a few hours, days, or weeks from then. Suddenly it is like starting over again.

The second year of grief

I was thinking today about this time last year. Jeff and I were getting back from Jamaica and coming home felt like stepping back into a black hole. As the seasons change I feel another wave of emotion. I feel the sadness of moving farther away from her. I am also pulled back to the fall of last year and I recall how bleak those days were. A year later I am grateful that although I am not "better" I have a pretty solid toolbox of coping skills that I can draw on.

I also feel a sense of loneliness with the grief. Those that want to think about or talk about Angel with me, outside of the blm community, are few and far between.

I think if I had been in a tragic accident where I had lost my vision or a limb, or become disabled, perhaps people would continue to be reminded of how much inner strength it takes to continue to move forward. I would have that visible reminder that could be pointed to. As it is now, there isn't any outward reminder of my pain. It is a hidden heartbreak, an internal burden that I will always carry.

It jumps out and takes your breath away at times.

I was at a friends wedding last week and her daughter sang at the ceremony. Most of the guests teared up because it was such a touching moment. I teared up for that reason but also because it hit me then and there how I will never see Angel perform a song, either in a school concert, or at a special event like that, or even overhear her singing along to the radio in her room.

It hits me ever so often what Jeff and I have been robbed of. I think now we can cope somewhat better with knowing this, now there is a sense of acceptance, but at times the pain can feel so very raw.

This is the second year of grief. Still learning to live without her here.

Anger

Today I learned that a friend of mine who had previously lost her son at 37 weeks has now lost her rainbow, as she had a miscarriage.

Hearing news like this makes me angry, sad, frustrated, disheartened. The main emotion though is anger. Anger at the universe. Did my friend really need to lose another baby? Where is the fairness in that? Where is the karma? I do not understand.

I think my perspective on having babies has totally changed. I actually feel relief when I hear a baby makes it here safely, whereas in the past it was more of a blissful, ignorant expectation that of course they will.

My friend, I am so so sorry.

Why NOT me?

I have been slowly reading the book "a grace disguised: how the soul grows through loss". I read it slowly as it is a lot to take in and each chapter has so much depth and meaning for my own life. The book is written by a man who lost his mom, wife and daughter in a car accident - hit by a drunk driver.

The chapter I recently read is called why not me. I know a question I have asked myself often is why me. Maybe my friends and family have asked the same thing when they heard about my loss. It is a tragedy and terrible injustice that has occurred. It is an example though of how none of us are really safe. Loss deprives us of control.

Losing Angel has introduced Jeff and I to a fellowship of suffering that spans the world. A side of life many people in the world know all too well.

The author talks about how despite his tragedy he hardly qualifies to be part of the fellowship. I relate to what he says. Jeff and I have a blessed life, we have a happy, secure and prosperous life, that was interrupted by our loss. Despite our loss, we live a life full of comfort, in a good community, with loving family and friends. We have good jobs and can travel the world and are free to pursue our interests. That is more than many can say.

Can we really expect to live an entire lifetime without disappointment and suffering? Is this expectation unrealistic and perhaps even arrogant?

We didn't deserve to lose Angel. But do we deserve all we have still?
We have undeserved pain and undeserved grace.

Missing her

Seeing this today, made me think of Angel. This is how I picture her spirit, coming to visit her garden. <3
Missing her today and every day.

Mom and Dad - I am ok

I truly believe Angel would want us to move forward with our lives. Not leaving her behind, but carrying her spirit in our hearts while we continue to put one foot in front of the other.
If she had the chance I know that is what she would tell us.

A prayer flag

Last Friday I went to a face to face meet and we made prayer flags for our babies. I love doing these creative projects as it helps me with my grief. It also benefits me to be around other babyloss moms and talk about how we are doing and coping. I feel so appreciative of the friendships I have made. I left the meeting with a really positive energy, and when I closed my eyes I kept seeing pink butterflies. It was good for my soul.
Here is Angel's flag.