Spoken word blog round-up TWO

I am excited to post my very first video blog, as part of my participation in the "Spoken Word Blog roundup Two" that Angie is doing at Still Life With Circles.

The idea is to read one of your blog posts, poems, or written word pieces aloud for a camera, post it, and link up with Angie and the other bloggers. So here goes!

My Molly bear

I don't think this post needs much description, the photos will say it all, but after waiting over a year I received my Molly bear on Friday. I love it. I can't explain it but to hold something that is roughly the same size and exact weight of Angel in my arms is so emotional, so precious and so bittersweet.
They have over 2000 bears waiting to be made right now. I plan to make a monetary donation to Molly bears, in Angel's memory.

October 15th

October 15th was international pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. All across the world at 7pm, parents lit candles for their babies gone too soon.

My friend Jackie helped organize a candlelight vigil at trillium hospital and it was a beautiful ceremony. The hospital staff spoke and read some poems. Jackie also gave an amazing speech. It was a good size group of us and there were parents there that were 2 months out from their loss and some that were 10 years out.

The father who lost his daughter 10 years ago spoke, and one thing he said was that he wished he had tried to talk about, and deal with his grief, earlier on. He said that he thought it would get easier as time passed but in fact for him it has gotten harder and he thought part of that was because he didn't deal with the grief.

Jackie also talked about in her speech that no matter how many years pass or how many other children she has, she will always cry for Oscar.

Hearing this just reinforces for me that this is in fact a life long journey. I am so glad that I have made dear friends to share this path with. We need the support and understanding. This is what these events are all about for me. A place to remember our sky babies.

After the formal parts of the ceremony were over they offered for all of us to come up and speak our child's names and I went up to say Angels name and birthday. I was worried I might not be able to get the words out but I did and it was a special moment. She was real and deserves to be remembered.

Another couple went up to speak about their daughter that was stillborn this past August and the father could barely speak without breaking down....my heart broke for them because I remember those early days. You are like the walking dead. It is hard to speak and express anything through the raw pain.

The hospital staff also gave out a small heart stone to each of us, a small token to hold on to, to remember our babies. I will carry it with me.

It was a special night and one I won't soon forget.

A Hungarian love song

Today we went to a party for Jeff's papa that turned 90. The whole family was there and the kiddies were running around.... All but one that is missing. These events are still hard for me. She is missing and it breaks my heart. I put on a strong face but the tears break through once I have some privacy to let it out. I feel like no one remembers and yet that everyone remembers. I feel like I have to act normal for the sake of the party and not ruin anyone's time. I feel that people look at me with pity or strangely when I play with or hold the kiddies. I feel on Display. The one who lost her baby.

At the same time I try to live in the moment and be present to try to enjoy the family time. I just miss her and wish she could be here.

Jeff's Ama read this poem to papa... It made me think of her....

No one loves you like I do
No one kisses you like I do
No one has waited for you
No one has asked for you
No one has loved you like I do

Every flower that blooms
Blooms from my love
And this love will last forever
Every song sings only of my love
Because how I love you
No one else can love you

Fall

Fall still makes me think of Angel. Probably because of her due date, and the early weeks of grief...I can't help but be taken back to last year at this time. It was a horrible time. In a lot of ways it was a string of days put together where I was just trying to make it through the day.
And yet here we are a year later and it still hurts. I can't make the pain go away entirely. I know I have come to terms but I still have moments of anger and sadness, I still wish things could be different.

I will hold you again

Triggers & a Shell

I get triggered by lots of things.  Some obvious and others are not quite so.  Last night I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and it was dealing with the aftermath of a plane crash.  People were hurt badly – physically, mentally and emotionally and were trying to come to terms.  I don’t know if it is PTSD or what but it left me feeling sad and uneasy. 

I am feeling a bit off this week and I think it has to do with thinking about this time last year, approaching Angel’s due date, getting our tattoos….I know I am a stronger person that I was last year at this time but I think I am hitting a rough patch.

Last night on the show, one of the lines struck me – one of the characters was talking about their wife and how they are a shell of who they use to be.  And that they wanted their wife back.  I immediately thought – am I like that too? I wonder how much of my pain is visible from the outside.   I wonder if people in my life see me a shell.  Or someone to keep their distance from.  Is my grief written all over my face sometimes?

I know being confronted with pain and grief is not easy.   The other day, I was going through my blog to find the quote my mom sent me about dying. A lady at work lost her brother suddenly, so I sent it to her.  She thanked me more than once for it – so I am happy I could touch her in some way.  But when I was going through the blog, back to those early days of grief, I started to feel uncomfortable and clicked quickly through so as not to read what I had posted. Isn’t that crazy? It was like I didn’t want to deal with that raw grief either – and I was the one who wrote it and felt it!  I think that person was a shell. 

I think I am not quite a shell these days but sometimes I feel like crawling into one still.