Choosing your breath: mind control

In the beginning I had no control over my thoughts and emotions. I was a soul strickened and couldn't do anything other than lean into the grief and be totally engulfed in it.  It would take over in the most inappropriate places, in the airport when I saw a little girl and her parents, a few weeks after she died, at our cousins wedding 2 months in when we were asked how we were....on and on I had so many moments like this that were raw and genuine but often embarrassing and difficult.

Mind control came with time. Eventually I could act normal in difficult circumstances, although at first it was completely exhausting. I clearly remember a lunch with friends a few months after she died and after an hour or two being completely drained from listening to the discussions of their kids and daycare stories and everything else. I never thought it would be easier but just like working a muscle it slowly did. I could control triggers better and the flashbacks didn't cause uncontrollable sobbing, maybe just a well of tears that I could compose again.

I am stronger and smarter now and I do take care of myself first if I need to, and not put myself in situations that would be incredibly difficult.  I have opened up the dialogue with those close friends that want to see the full me and will be authentic with me.  

The truth is the grief doesn't get easier, you just gather the strength and endurance to manage it more effectively. 

You learn to manage grief in all its glory. 

Choosing your breath: the endless search

Like Francesca said, I searched constantly for signs of Angel right after she died. I looked for her in the sunsets, in the little birds and butterflies that came to wink at me like it was her just saying hello, in the eyes of other children, when a song came on the radio that reminded me of her.  In the beginning I needed things around me that reminded me of her, and I often created things for her, like little pieces of art, a prayer flag... I collected things like Angels and her molly bear.  Her special spot still remains in our bedroom where we have her urn and footprints and a few momentos.  I still often wear the angel wing necklace a friend got me around my neck. 

I am searching less for her these days but more for my own meaning and contentment.  I want her spirit to feel free and I also want to feel less burdoned by the searching for her.

Instead of asking the universe why she is gone and clinging to sorrow, I am working on letting go. 

She continued her journey elsewhere

Choosing your breath - week 2; the art journal

My identity illustrated....

Choosing your breath

I haven't felt that inclined to write recently but I am now following Francesca cox and her latest healing called choosing your breath. It is 40 weeks so whenever I am inspired I will blog about her grief topic. I think this will be therapeutic even almost 4 years later. I still have many moments of raw sadness missing Angel,

Especially this weekend with Mother's Day.

The first topic is identity. 

Before Angel died the following words described me:

Daughter

Sister

Loyal Friend

Wife to my best friend 

Good student

University grad

Proud Government employee 

Optimistic

Sheltered

Happy

Determined

Expectant mother

My identity shifted drastically and went through lots of phases after Angel died.

Unraveled

Dark

Grieving

Afraid

Angry

Unforgiving of myself

Devastated

Lost

Broken

Missing her

I remember saying to my father in law about six months after she died that I still felt like I had "dead baby" written on my forehead for all to see.

That is how raw it was and how much it consumed my identity.

Over time as I processed my feelings I started to heal more. There was more to it than just a black hole all the time.

Enlightened

Reflective 

Seeker of joy and peace and contentment and meaning 

Grieving mom

Mom of Angel

Missing her

Stronger

Living for her

Living for me

The will to live

After Angel died, I struggled to find reason to keep going. Looking back I was in such a dark place and didn't know how to get out of it.

I trudged along for a long long time, going through the motions and hoping that eventually things would get better or I would feel different.

Almost 4 years later, I can say I feel a shift in me.

It has been growing and expanding for some time, but now I can finally say I feel like I have a genuine will to live, I feel gratitude for my life again, and I want to invest in myself again.

For so long I think I didn't forgive myself and was almost punishing myself for losing Angel.

I feel like I have finally come to terms with that.  I want to live my life for me again. I feel genuine happiness and contentment again.

I am forever changed by not having her here. But I have that will to live - and to live 100 percent for me.

That is the greatest relief. And the greatest gift.

2015

2015 has been a cold and rocky start. Winter and grief surely can drag you down. A shift is needed and as spring is on the horizon, I want the rest of this year to be focused on being content, enjoying the moments and letting go of old emotional baggage that doesn't serve me anymore.