Grief & Sleep

A deep, dreamless sleep evades me many nights.  I have often been an inconsistent sleeper I think, but after the loss it is much worse.

I find that days after nights with less sleep, the grief is a heavier burden to carry. Lack of sleep makes me more emotional.  If I have a decent sleep, I feel like I can handle things a bit better, and that makes me feel more confident in dealing with certain situations.  It is strange how even sleep and grief have a relationship.

Even if I have a “good” sleep, grief sometimes takes over my dreams.  You cannot escape it sometimes.  I think it is my subconscious working out all the details and feelings that I don’t get to in a regular, busy day of life.   I’ve had dreams where I try to explain to people what happened – like why she might have died. I’ve had dreams arguing with people over things I can’t even remember but I just have the feeling of being hurt and alone when I wake up.  Shortly after the loss, I had a very emotional dream where I was hugging a little girl, in Angel’s room. We were sitting on her bed, made with the hungry caterpillar sheets I bought for her. She was maybe 2 years old.  It was so vivid. I hugged her tight and told her I loved her so much. 

I’ve had quite a few dreams more recently with butterflies, and they are usually pretty vivid also and mostly comforting.  I like to think that is Angel visiting me.

A spring walk

After we lost Angel, we spent alot of time going for long walks.  We discovered a path near our house that follows a creek all the way down to the lake. We spent many hours on this trail last fall.  I decided to go down to the lake today....it was a beautiful spring day and I saw dozens of butterflies! Here are some pictures.

The creek

Beautiful

Angel's name in the sand

The beach

Stillbirth & Surfing - a Grief Journey

I came across this video through my connections on Pinterest.  I found it moving for a few different reasons.  First, it is from the babyloss dad's perspective and he gives a brief yet heartfelt narration of his feelings after his daughter was stillborn.  The music & cinematography also moved me.  And finally, as my friend Jackie mentioned, he turned his grief for his child into something tangible, to be out on the waves with her.  Healing through creativity, healing in the ocean....it's beautiful.

http://vimeo.com/28056957

To lose a child ... was something that could end one's world. One could never get back to how it was before. The stars went out. The moon disappeared. The birds became silent. - Alexander McCall Smith

You got heaven instead

Will you get bitter or better

I have been reflecting a lot on my grief journey and recently read an article by another bereaved mother called “Will you get bitter or better.”  I know that I want to be better.  There will always be a profound sense of loss of what could have been.  This I know will be an ache in my heart forever.  But, who would want to be a bitter person? Someone that can’t appreciate life as it is, or that no one wants to be around? Meeting Angel and saying goodbye to her has had a significant impact on my life experience, however I know I can’t let this part of my life story eat away at me.  

“Time stopped for me when Grace took her last breath. And I was certain that my life would never start again.” 
I can relate to this so completely.  Time stood still for me also when we found out Angel was gone. It was hard to believe in a life after her death.

The article talks about how time doesn’t heal all wounds – hard work does. And the hard work takes time.  I am choosing to get better – so now what?   What I, and many bereaved mothers struggle with, is moving past the sorrow.

This sorrow is “tangible evidence of her brief life. The loss of the sorrow can feel like an additional death or worse, the final death, as you feel like you are choosing to deny your child’s entire existence.”   The writer urges us to take the risk and have the courage to heal.  Take the thorns with the roses.

“Grace would have been the rose I would have preferred. But that rose is not available to me.  The rose of wisdom is. I share that wisdom because it is a gift of grace…Grace’s legacy is manifested when I share the wisdom she left me.”

“Live a life less controlled by fear. All healing is possible.”

I want to believe it.  Some days it is easier than others.  Some days I am lost in my own world of grief and can’t see past it.  Some days I do.

“The past is gone.  The future is not yet here.  RIGHT NOW – I am free of both.  What am I choosing right now?  I choose joy.”

She will not be forgotten

Grateful and Grieving - it is a fine balance

From Grieving Mothers

"I have so much to be grateful for in my life...but sometimes I just can't get past the fact that you are gone... I never knew how lonely I could feel until you grew your wings."