The second year of grief

I was thinking today about this time last year. Jeff and I were getting back from Jamaica and coming home felt like stepping back into a black hole. As the seasons change I feel another wave of emotion. I feel the sadness of moving farther away from her. I am also pulled back to the fall of last year and I recall how bleak those days were. A year later I am grateful that although I am not "better" I have a pretty solid toolbox of coping skills that I can draw on.

I also feel a sense of loneliness with the grief. Those that want to think about or talk about Angel with me, outside of the blm community, are few and far between.

I think if I had been in a tragic accident where I had lost my vision or a limb, or become disabled, perhaps people would continue to be reminded of how much inner strength it takes to continue to move forward. I would have that visible reminder that could be pointed to. As it is now, there isn't any outward reminder of my pain. It is a hidden heartbreak, an internal burden that I will always carry.

It jumps out and takes your breath away at times.

I was at a friends wedding last week and her daughter sang at the ceremony. Most of the guests teared up because it was such a touching moment. I teared up for that reason but also because it hit me then and there how I will never see Angel perform a song, either in a school concert, or at a special event like that, or even overhear her singing along to the radio in her room.

It hits me ever so often what Jeff and I have been robbed of. I think now we can cope somewhat better with knowing this, now there is a sense of acceptance, but at times the pain can feel so very raw.

This is the second year of grief. Still learning to live without her here.