Here, missing you

We are back in our 2nd home, Jamaica, for the third time since Angel's death. I was looking forward to being here again and also curious and a bit uncertain of the emotions it would bring forward in my heart and mind. You see, this is where we escaped to just after she died. This very same country, this very same resort, this very same beach. I come here and in a strange way I feel close to her and I feel a lot of old emotions coming to the surface. At the same time I feel stronger, and I know I am a different person than the first or second time we came. In a lot of ways I have come to a place of acceptance as best as you can after your child dies. It isn't something you ever want to accept per say but I suppose I am adjusted. To the new normal and who I am now. A woman who carries a burden on her heart. A woman who in the last 18 months has felt her share of being absolutely worn out with life. What I find here in a lot of ways is the same as that first time and second time.....a sanctuary of sorts. Where I can gather my thoughts and take a step back from life and almost take a time out. Be taken care of. Be thoughtful and peaceful. And in a way selfish. Take care of me, as I still desperately need it often.
Right now my grandfather is slowly dying. He will soon cross to the other side to be with Nona and my baby girl. I think of that alot right now. I think of those on the other side and wonder what they see, think and feel about what goes on without them here. I wonder if they shout things like "what are you thinking!!" Or "how could you do that!!" Or "I miss you" or "I wish you knew I am with you."
Being here reminds me of the fine balance between life and death. Being here reminds me that they are closer than we know.
I am here missing you sweet girl.